Confused and anxious
So my fiancé suddenly moved out without much notice. The day he moved out, he told me that we are still together for now, that he just felt suffocated and needed space, and wanted to see if he would miss me. He said we could talk later in the week. I did not really contact him for a couple days and he reached out to talk.
We talked 2 says ago, during which he said we are still together for now. He said that he felt really anxious and stressed when we lived together. However since moving out, the negative feelings have started fading and hes thinking more of the positive sides of our relationship. He told me he missed cuddling with me. He also said he felt like he couldnt fully be himself around me because sometimes I made it seem like I was judging him. That was never my intention and I never intended to make him feel suffocated.
I think I have a much better understanding of him now and what his needs are. I believe that I can make the changes to make him happy in our relationship. However he is still hesitant because he doesnt fully believe that I can change. Im not sure what to do. I can tell he still loves and cares about me, and I love him a lot too. I wrote him a letter to apologize which I gave him when we met up. He seemed to receive that positively and I even got a smile out of him from that. I dont know what to do going forward and how to convince him that I can change. To me it feels hopeless because he was hurt by me. I just want to make things right between us. Is there hope in this situation?
@TinyChipmunk
Hey there, can you go into more detail in the things ill mentioned below?
"He also said he felt like he couldnt fully be himself around me because sometimes I made it seem like I was judging him"
"However he is still hesitant because he doesnt fully believe that I can change"
Are you needs and wants being met on this relationship?
@freshLight64 As for the judging thing, he really enjoys doing funny accents, speaking French randomly. There were times were I got annoyed at this, and he took those times really personally and felt like he couldnt do those things anymore.
He is hesitant because there had been less serious conversations about things similar to this, and I had told him that I would make changes to make things better. Things such as being patient, not overreacting. I did get better at these things, but because these things were never the root of the problem, he did not feel better. The root of the problem was not feeling his freedom and that stemmed from things such as me wondering where he is, or checking in on him. And now he feels like things will never get better (like me being able to give him more space, him feeling like he is not being controlled by me). From my end, it was a misunderstanding of his needs, and now I know what they are a lot better.
My needs have always been fulfilled in this relationship.
@TinyChipmunk
In what way you got annoyed when he did the funny accents? What did you said?
What made you do this "The root of the problem was not feeling his freedom and that stemmed from things such as me wondering where he is, or checking in on him."
@freshLight64 I honestly cant remember what I did or said when I got annoyed. I think there was one accent in particular that annoyed me and I asked him to not do that one as much, but I didnt mean for him to take it as stop altogether.
I think the checking in thing started as a safety issue, just to make sure that he was safe. But it eventually turned into an insecurity of mine. He didnt give me any reason to not trust him in the beginning, so that was mostly my own issue.
@TinyChipmunk
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
So my fiancé suddenly moved out without much notice. The day he moved out, he told me that we are still together for now, ( This is a sign he could be unsure about the relationship) that he just felt suffocated and needed space, (This is a combination of a few things such as; closeness issue, the constantly checking in on him, and his past trauma coming to the front) and wanted to see if he would miss me. He said we could talk later in the week. I did not really contact him for a couple days and he reached out to talk.
We talked 2 says ago, during which he said we are still together for now. He said that he felt really anxious and stressed when we lived together. However since moving out, the negative feelings have started fading and hes thinking more of the positive sides of our relationship. (This usually means he felt better after having space because living together felt like there was too much closeness that he couldn't handle. People like him fear being controlled and smothered, so they often seek space). He told me he missed cuddling with me. He also said he felt like he couldnt fully be himself around me because sometimes I made it seem like I was judging him. That was never my intention and I never intended to make him feel suffocated.
As for the judging thing, he really enjoys doing funny accents, speaking French randomly. There were times were I got annoyed at this, and he took those times really personally and felt like he couldnt do those things anymore. (One thing here is that he could have gotten triggered when you felt annoyed, so now his past trauma came to the present. He probably had a family who would get annoyed if he was himself, so now he is associating that when you felt annoyed, it doesn't feel like you getting annoyed caused this. He definetly took this personal because of his past trauma)
He is hesitant because there had been less serious conversations about things similar to this, and I had told him that I would make changes to make things better. Things such as being patient, not overreacting. (This shows you really care about him and want for things to get better. There's a chance you could have gotten triggered as well which could be why you would get annoyed or similar reactions. Try to take a closer look at your past thats similar to this situation) I did get better at these things, but because these things were never the root of the problem, he did not feel better. The root of the problem was not feeling his freedom and that stemmed from things such as me wondering where he is, or checking in on him. (This has to do with anxiety and fear of losing him, so this will make a person like him feel trapped and smothered, which then they will seek space. ) And now he feels like things will never get better (like me being able to give him more space, him feeling like he is not being controlled by me). From my end, it was a misunderstanding of his needs, and now I know what they are a lot better.
I think I have a much better understanding of him now and what his needs are. (Its nice you have a much understanding of him and his needs now, does he has the same understanding of you and your needs?) I believe that I can make the changes to make him happy in our relationship. However he is still hesitant because he doesnt fully believe that I can change.(I don't know how long this has been going on, but if it has been going a long time then it will take some time for a change to occur, but it just seems like he is not trying to give you a chance) Im not sure what to do. I can tell he still loves and cares about me, and I love him a lot too. I wrote him a letter to apologize which I gave him when we met up. He seemed to receive that positively and I even got a smile out of him from that. I dont know what to do going forward and how to convince him that I can change. To me it feels hopeless because he was hurt by me. (I don't think the hurt he feels has mostly to do with you, i feel like 80% of it has to do with past trauma and childhood wounds. I understand they are times where you felt annoyed and other things, but was he soothing and understanding with you?. This situation feels like its all about blaming yourself, when it takes two people to be on this relationship. I feel theres more about this situation) I just want to make things right between us. (It should be "We should try to make things between us", both sides in this not where its just one side trying to make things right)Is there hope in this situation?
