Confusion

My husband and I have been together for 24 years and married for 18. We haven't had a great marriage. We have both broke up with each other for someone else. But for some reason he has ALWAYS accused me of cheating. I lost friends and my life over it. I no longer talk to anyone because of this. And yes I realize this is mental abuse, which I have a history of. Yes eventually it became to much, never knowing if this time he told me to leave would be the last. And I did cheat, was caught and for the first time in my life I saw what I actually meant to him. That not just our children where is world. He said it to me. He showed it to me. For over a year life was feeling amazing. Sometimes he would still joke but no where close to how it used to be, that was a year and a half ago. Now I never know. He has been questioning about divorce and things but still so affectionate. Then just a few weeks ago the man I used to know came back. I do way less now the I ever did. Not on any social media platforms. And I go nowhere except work without him. I don't want to lose him. Sorry so long. I just don't know what to do.