Depressed boyfriend broke up with me
So I have been in a casual long distance relationship with a guy for 7 months, throughout which we have talked every day, skyped twice a week, and he has come to visit me a few times. He struggles with anxiety and depression, but has always been open and honest about this and we have been mutually supportive and emotionally close, talking about everything.
This summer, I came back to the UK so we could see one another more often for a few months. Everything seemed to be going well, we were looking forward to spending more time together and enjoy being in the same place. The first meeting was really nice, he met my family and we had passionate sex.
However, the next meet up he cancelled at the last minute. The next week he came to stay for the weekend, and told me on arrival that he didnt want anything romantic. I asked where this was coming from, and he said he was worried it was going to snowball into us moving in together around the corner from my parents and he would lose his independence (this is absurd, i am super independent and live abroad!). We talked and he realised he was overthinking it, so we carried on as normal, kissing and cuddling. The next morning, he apologised, we were intimate, then he said he couldn't handle anything physical. At this point I got upset and cried, he held me and comforted me. He then stayed for three more days, behaving as if we were still together, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, meeting my best friend and my sister. As he left, he kissed me and said nothing is ending, i still want you in my life, i just can't handle anything physical right now. He needs to work on himself. I was so confused.
A few days later, we talked and he said that I should still come to his concert that Friday, but not come to stay for the weekend as we had planned. I went to the concert, things seemed chill and fine, we hugged and said we would meet the following week. But then he cancelled again, saying he was feeling terrible ( i later found out his Nan had died so that was upsetting him, but i wish he'd told me). And so on, with him reaching out, arranging to meet or skype, then cancelling.
Then this weekend, we talked on skype and i expressed everything i was feeling about how i had never asked for a serious relationship, felt hurt that he said he wanted me in his life then pushed me away, and really care about him. He was receptive and caring and apologetic, and said he wants to start over (he didn't clarify if he meant friends or romantic), and invited me to his gig that night. The evening started well, he stood with his arm around me for a while, then later joined me and a friend for food, and gave me a long, lingering hug. But after his band played, i went up to congratulate him and he was really cold with me, didn't even turn around to look at me. I was so hurt. Later, i went to say goodbye to him, as i am returning to my country next week. We held hands but he felt really awkward and distant, and said he felt really guilty. I was upset to end on an awkward note, and confused about his sudden change in behaviour, but kept my feelings in check. But after i left i cried for hours. Why say he wants me in his life and cares about me and be affectionate, then just act as if he can't bear to be around me?
I am so confused and sad. I know he has a lot of stress in his life right now (so do I) and is not coping, but i want to be there for him and support him. I hate knowing he is struggling and not being there, but if he doesn't want my help i can't force it. I don't know what to think! His actions and words are so confusing!
Any thoughts?
I was like that myself back when I went trough very hard times: there were days when I could be kind to others like I usually am, but others when I pushed away and hurt the very few people that I care about. Mainly the problem is that I'm incapable of asking for support/help, talking with them about it. Of course I didn't mean anything of what I said.
Based on this, I think you should be there for him but let him know you care and you can help with whatever he is going trough. It's possible being so close to you might make him feel vulnerable, and it's scary sometimes, or some days wants just to escape from everything and everyone.
Taking it slowly, you might also try to tell him about what you said here, that you are worried and he is not alone in this. Remember that when we suffer we don't really mean what we say, don't take it personally. A quote I love summarises it all: "Those who are hardest to love need it the most." - Socrates
Found another post that may help showing his point of view https://www.7cups.com/forum/RelationshipFriendshipSupport_66/RomanticRelationships_255/Needadviceasap_208375/
@faithfulSea5437 Thanks so much for your reply, it is helpful to hear it from the other perspective. I really care about him but I don't want to push him further away by reaching out...I haven't heard from him for two weeks so surely he would have been in touch if he wanted to talk to me?
@gentlePark5994
Let him go. He is not honest he makes you cry a lot and you seem a bit attached to him which is bad.
You're supposed to feel free happy and independent. He brings the worst out of you. Move on.
I know it's hard but you have to. For your own well being
@Popitzik Thanks for your reply. I felt free, happy and independent when we were together, it was always him reaching out to me and I was living my own life whilst being with him, it is only since the break up that I have been sad and anxious and lost. I know I should move on but I care so much about him and i don't know how?
@gentlePark5994
By what you just said I felt the sadness and I just said what I felt.
I myself gone through difficult times.
I'm not there to know everything, and I can only assume.
I think it's best for you to move on and do things for yourself and your life. Do what makes you happy. Enjoy yourself, make new connections.
@Popitzik You are right, I do feel a lot of sadness right now and I miss him a lot. But I am trying to remember who I was when I was happy and get back to that. It's hard though, I worry about him all the time and wonder if he is doing ok. I know i also need to get myself back to being ok...baby steps I guess.
Sometimes it is hard for people to connect to others and share love, when they are going through anxiety, depression, grief or any other hard phases in life.
From what you have said (where he cared for you, comforted you), he really cares for you. When we care for people, it is hard to inflict any kind of pain on them cause seeing them in any pain is sometimes harder than seeing yourself in pain.
He can see that you are attached to him, and that you care a lot. He probably feels that when he goes into these really dark places in his depression, the more you get close to him, the more he will take you down with him to these dark places. The more he cares for you and gets closer to you, the more he pushes you away to be able to protect you.
This is a difficult situation, for both of you.
The only thing you can do, is to give him some space. Tell him that you will be there for him, anytime he feels like talking. Tell him your friendship matters to you, whether you can be physically close or not. At this moment in life, he needs your friendship more than your love. So be a good friend to him for a while if you can. He will really appreciate the space and the support.
If it is at all possible for you, start over as a friend, without any expectations at all. It will be an incredibly difficult thing to do given how deep your feelings have got, but it will be a test for your love, and for your friendship.
Finally, do care for yourself.
Outside of the friendship with him, reach out to other people in your life, or listeners here. Being sad is ok, but share your sadness, so people can be there for you.
@inventiveBike19
Greatest reply. You said it best way. Thank u.
@inventiveBike19 Thank you for your beautiful, insightful words. It is hard loving someone who can't cope with your love right now. I know we will both be ok in time, but it's an emotional time for us both. I am giving myself and him some space right now and plan to reach out in a week or so...however, I worry that in the meantime the distance between us will grow...I know he will be beating himself up for hurting me and taking my silence as proof of that, so he will feel even less able to open up to me. But I need to be emotionally stronger myself in order to be there for him, so I need to get back on my feet first maybe?
