Do I miss my ex or am I just grieving?

So, I’ve been dealing with the loss of my oldest brother. His death was abrupt and unplanned. He was 23. I’m 16. I’ve been struggling with it but slowly getting better as a month has passed now. 

I broke up with my ex months ago on friendly terms. We both had stuff going on and honestly, it didn’t seem like being in a relationship with him was good for him or me. We agreed to call things off and I told him to work on his mental health as he’d been struggling and made sure he understood that I didn’t breakup with him because I didn’t like him, but because I cared for him and wanted him to put himself first. We call sometimes, say hi every once in a while, and check in. I try not to pop into his life too much because I’m not sure what I can do to help or if he wants me around or not. He’s trusted me with a lot of his struggles and we’ve gone out as friends to just chat about things. He’s only told me and his best friend about his struggles. 

Ever since we broke up, he seems to only have been spiraling worse and worse. I don’t recognize him as himself anymore. He’s dove into a lot of bad habits. I did ask if breaking up had been too hard on him and he said that it wasn’t it and rather it was general life stuff. I reach out sometimes to check in on him and ask if there is anything I can do for him but he tells me that there isn’t anything I can do. I don’t pry too much because that’s not my place anymore but I always make sure he knows that if he ever needs/wants to reach out, I’m here for him.

I believe I’ve moved on from him. The more we are apart the more I realize we weren’t compatible. I don’t resent him or anything and he’s a great person and always treated me well. I wish him the best and I still want him to be okay. I don’t think I’d want to get back with him but my mind has been playing tricks on me lately.

When school was still in season, I told him about my brother because he had met my brother and I didn’t want the word to come out as a rumor. I also wanted to voice my concerns to him because my ex struggles with a lot of the things my brother did. He hugged me and that took me off guard and I sobbed into his shoulder for about 10 seconds before I got myself together. After that, we made a promise to each other that we won’t do anything crazy as long as the other doesn’t. I can’t lie, it felt nice to have that connection . And where my mind was, vulnerable and out of it, it thought, “oh get back with him,” which I obviously stomped on because I am not thinking clearly these days. But we hung out after that because I needed to make sure that at the very least that I was there for him. And I did, we hung out as friends, I got him some stuff for him to take care of himself, and we went our separate ways. I felt fine, I didn’t feel the need to go back to him after that and I figured it was just my head going crazy after everything that’s happened.

School’s been out for about a month now. I haven’t seen him during that time frame which is fine but I still can’t help but worry. We still have each others location and follow each other so every once in a while I check on our socials to make sure he’s still active and alive. He doesn’t post anything but I can see when he’s online. It’s at least a little reassuring to make sure he’s still breathing.

Lately I’ve been having dreams about him, nothing too crazy and it’s just him being in my general proximity along with other of my friends. But my dreams do make a point to announce that he’s there. (Im pretty positive I’m over him but I just worry so much because I see a lot of my brother’s struggles in him.) Today I got a really bad feeling and I checked in on his location only to see he was just going for a walk (which is fine because he goes with a friend, so I know he’s not alone). I want to reach out but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. I don’t think I’m trying to reach out because I still like him but because I’m concerned. However, I want to make sure I’m not just trama bonding right now. Also I want to know if it’s okay for me to reach out. When we broke up, I asked if it was okay for me to still check on him and he said it was. After we broke up, I still remained one of his closest friends that he trusts with his vulnerability. So all the signs to me point that it’s okay if I reach out. But I’m still unsure if he wants to hear from his ex to check in on him. Stereotypically, guys don’t really want their exes checking in on them but this isn’t a stereotypical break up so I’m not sure. I’ve also thought of a middle ground where I can ask his best friend to check in on him for me and also I could ask his best friend his thoughts on me reaching out but I don’t know if that’s a good idea either because I don’t know his best friend very well as we don’t really talk. The most interaction we’ve had is me delivering him a energy drink on my exes behalf. Other than that, I don’t know him besides that fact that he cares for my ex and also is there for him. 

Anyways, I’m sorry for the long message. I’m still dealing with the grief of my brother so my mind is still not fully functioning so this is just a jumble of words. Because I’m not exactly sure on my thinking, I’d like to hear what you guys think I should do. Thank you for reading and please let me know your thoughts.