Does anyone know if this works or not
Having the last year or so of difficulty with spouse i believe it is beyond repair
We have the same BS argument over and over about communication and what each other wants....
he wants me to make a LIST of things that bother me so he has it to work down a list.....i think having to make a list of common sense normal things is ridiculous........he has made some effort but then does something that takes it backwards again....
is a list overbearing ? would a list be not helpful to know he is just following a list not being genuine or do you think a list is acceptable ?
the kind of things that would be on list would be too long to clearly list like a-b-c
following through when he says he will do something.....or quit rude and nasty habits or realize it is a bigger picture thing the a small event ..........that does not sound like a constructive solution but willing to see if someone can change my mind
Maybe instead of a list you could write him a letter? In my own relationship, I wasn't really aware or mindful of how some of my actions affected my partner. Once I was aware of what I was doing and how much it was hurting my partner, I worked to adjust my behavior.
I was going to say the same thing
@anonyBalloon8250
Thanks for response have done the letter thing numerous times....it does not last
i do not see why he cannot get it from discussion/ even heated discussion since most things on list are deeper items
I don't see how a list is overbearing. Some people have a harder time realising what to most are "common sense" things. The fact that he asked you for a list shows to me that he wants to work on those things and is asking you for what he thinks he needs to do so. Any relationship takes work on both ends.
@confusedRaven6140
i see the point however
i am reluctant because it IS common sense things................ and i feel it is remedial to have to list some things like do not blow your nose at dinner table....
while i am eating or at restaurants because it is gross for everyone in earshot. but he says he has allergy and he needs to clear it out and i am being mean to him over a medical type thing.
i guess i should clarify he did not always do these things slowly they started now he PRETENDS this was all along ..nope
he wants step by step instructions on how to show affection as well after he was weirdly doing awkward things that were not only a huge turnoff but creepy........
this is an old relationship over many many yrs and this sort of yuk is 2 years old.....
he rubs my shoulder in a way i think is like you would to cheer up a co-worker or console a person .... then expects me to be all hot for him after that ........ i laugh as i write this it is INSANE IMO
he wants me to retrain him on how or where he should touch me in a list form .... creepy request
If he’s asking for a list that means he’s willing to work on things, which is better than some relationships I’ve seen. You should be thankful for that. You can also ask him to give your a list of things for you to work on
@walkalot
he says he does not want one which has signaled red flags to me... yes i can be difficult but his complaints are too generic to list ....
like quit being hostile.....asked how am I give an example and he cant he just repeats generic stuff one cant fix if i do not know wth he is talking about.
I see a most here are positive about a list idea......
maybe i can try it but not sure how to write in a concise way ......his issues are of his own making
example of things to address
we have 2 bathrooms one i took one the other he did . i usually fill his TP / and such one day he ran low .... all supplies in a closet right outside his bathroom ....he knows that he has put items away after buying .........
BUT he goes into my bathroom and removes my all my TP and takes to his bathroom. Each time when i remind him he literally had to go to another part of house to be so petty when he could lean out of his bathroom and grab a roll
i bought specific canisters for pantry one has popcorn in it he looks in says "i wanted popcorn but you NEVER buy it or have it" THEN goes and buys a mass like we are opening a theater .... ask wth ?
handed him the canister and he says .... "Oh yeah you told me this when you bought that my bad "
does not put anything away ... did not see I bought new detergent for clothes cause the package looked different was in same location as old one ...... so use a bunch of dish soap on our clothes......
asks for help on items i say" ok lets do it and get up " ............then he is maybe later then NOTHING gets done unless i do it myself...... cause he is tired later or it is too late to start project etc etc etc
had a dr appt his doctor tells him the exact SAME thing i did numerous times ...and he says "yeah but you are not a doctor......"
it is not about the small things but the HUGE issue of RESPECT
how do you list ways of respecting my things/ my organization of things/ or listening to me as everything i say is forgotten but from outside source ( even non professionals) is GOLDEN.
OK. Let’s see if we can think of any benefits there might be for his list suggestion. ^^
1) It’s what he’s asking you to do for him. Why is this beneficial to your relationship? Because it shows you both that he is actively participating in reconciliation. He is not being apathetic in the process. He is communicating what he thinks will improve the situation. Also, because this was his suggestion he will feel more obliged to follow through with whatever it entails.
2) When you put things in writing, you feel more invested.
The act of writing down the things you both need to work on, makes it concrete somehow. It takes it from an emotional issue, and transcribes it into something real and tangible. It makes it feel like you are taking a more structured and pragmatic approach. You might both also like to work together to write down some suggestions as to how exactly you both can work through the issues. Also, the process is like recording a promise - the list will exist as a form of commitment, a reminder that might make him more dedicated to improving his behaviour.
3) Writing a list gives you a chance to express your needs without being challenged.
You stated that you’ve been having the same repeated argument constantly and that it gets heated. Sometimes in an argument the well-being of the relationship, and our objective perception of the best interest of the relationship, becomes lost in the rampant tempest of emotions. Writing a list is a more neutral form of communication that allows you to completely express anything you want to say without defensive bickering, without conflict, without an aggressive exchange by either party. Of course this doesn’t mean you should abuse the format, in taking advantage by engaging in passive aggressive criticism and toxicity. Be constructive, be kind, and write with a view to improving your relationship.
4) It’s a new approach, something you both haven’t tried before.
Obviously you both have tried talking through your issues face to face for a long time now and it didn’t work. Maybe you both become defensive or you both start to feel attacked, or inadequate, or start blaming each other. Whatever the situation that method is not working, so it’s time to try something else. Banging your head against a wall doesn’t turn it into a door.
Thats what I can think of anyhow. I hope you think about the merits of his suggestion, even if you decide in the end it’s not the ‘write’ solution. (See what I did there? 😂 )
I hope you both find your way forward to a better place~ !
CatsInTheCradle
@CatzInTheCradle
You always give well thought out and constructive replies in all replies i have read from you on others posts.. ... and that is greatly appreciated.
yes what we are doing is NOT working .....he does items for a short time then reverts back to same ole pattern
i Resent ......he wants a step by step list of dos and don'ts and god forbid i miss an item
i can hear "well that was not on list" I feel this is a attempt to LOOK like he is proactive but is passive aggressive in nit picking what ever i chose to write...
Yes i see now i am very defensive with him. he recently went to have hearing checked .... it was bad as i knew it would be was very snotty about it then told me they had background noise said words and he was to repeat the words .... he failed miserably and said "i do that to you all the time don't I "
i told him yes that has cause many an issue with him GUESSING what i said ..... then in same breathe he says "oh well the hearing aids cost too much you need to write things down " so perhaps his list is NOT about wanting change.
i just left to get out of house was so MAD .......
I told him to evaluate what $$ amount is our relationship ?
what $$$ amount to quit embarrassing himself at work or in public ( he often answers wait staff / customer service folks with nonsense cause he cannot hear them) is worth?
frankly while he wants this marriage to work at this point i am ready to let it DIE.
@toughTiger6481
it sounds like a tough situation, and I totally wilds be frustrated too. But it’s still worth the effort to try a little bit longer. I like the book called “Thank you for the feedback.” Maybe you can read it with him.
@walkalot
Thanks for the suggestion watched an hour long talk the authors gave on the book you suggested .... got a few ideas and ah ha moments watching it ... will read book but the jump start has some things i can focus on.
You are sharing a lot that seems to be be issues, behavior you blame him on. Issues that have grown beyond proportion. Meaning, it is not the issues, like grappig TP from your bathroom (sperate bathrooms, i mean, really???). Also, and I have no intention to judge, you come across as controlling. Things should be done your way. Well, that will not bring you guys any closer. And yes, I speak based on my own experience, having a wife who is rather controlling and compulsive. Changes are, one starts to ignore.
If you, both of you, start showing tge behavior both of you show than you should ask yourself how toxic the relship has gotten.
How about counseling? Because you guys have developed a pattern that needs to change if you want to make things work. And both of you are too far in to find a way out.
As for that list, you should express your needs. Both of you. Not as in what the other should or shouldn't do. Not your perception. Not about blowing your nose at dinner and no, it is not gross, it is human, in your perception it's gross, it's your issue, don't make him responsible for your perception.
Go find counseling. Someone both of you trust. Someone who helps both of you to get to the real, the underlying issues. And be aware, counseling doesn't fix your relship, but helps to bring clarity as for where both of you stand at. It might bring you closer, or it might make clear it's not gonna work out. At least it brings clarity, and helps you to look at the situation from a distance.
Take care and good luck to both of you.
@dukeofdearham
I am not controlling just have put up with BS from him for long enough ....and finally ... saying NO more
he does things that IMO is on purpose to act like he is incapable so i will wait on him , hand and foot..the TP thing shows how childish he is to walk past the supply to teach me a lesson to not forget to stock his items....
i realize that is what this site is about but counseling will NOT be the answer simply because he will not participate........ been there done that.
quote from @dukeofdearham
"As for that list, you should express your needs. Both of you. Not as in what the other should or shouldn't do. Not your perception. Not about blowing your nose at dinner and no, it is not gross, it is human, in your perception it's gross, it's your issue, don't make him responsible for your perception."
blowing ones nose is human and shouls be done in a sanitary manner ....
asking someone not to do it less then a foot away from someones food or drink is not about perception .....when blowing his nose at a table where aerosols or droplets are in air above ones plate it is unsanitary .... this is in my book same as someone sneezing over my plate.
asking him to excuse himself to the restroom or something seems like i am being reasonable
@toughTiger6481,
And that is your perception. If these are the things you focus on, then you are entering a dead end street.
Change starts in you. Ask yourself, what can I do to make this relship better.
