Dying Relationship

@Bellacepriano

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me about four months ago. Him and I shared much love for each other and the break up was not about loss of attraction, but about family problems. He soon after wanted to get back together but began to draw himself away slowly. (I can tell he feels separation anxiety when he gets the sense things will be over for good, however gets really scared when you two are close. This is not a good sign because he can't handle closeness or space, so this will often make you feel anxious and on the edge) He began to talk to many other girls and essentially had the goal of pushing me away. (This must had been hurtful to hear. I do believe he is really seeking validation from those girls, and also so you wouldn't be so close to him) He wanted to be with me but many complications arose (This is an excuse...he choose to not work on things on order for the relationship to grow and instead he made the decision to not continue things because of his lack of effort/consistency) ) and he felt as if he didn't deserve me. (This can come across as deceptive. The moment where he feels the closeness is where he will these things to push you away because he doesn't have adult communication) It hurt me and I tried so hard to get him back. (I can see why it would make you feel this way. This can be so confusing because he is never consistent, and then it triggers your anxiety. I do think you should look at your childhood because it tells me you are trying to seek the love a parent with this guy when he backs away) He would say that "we were on a break" (This is his way to push you away. You two were not on "break" when he was saying sweet things and giving you promises, but soon as you two get close is where he will you throw that line) or that "once the semester is over he will be able to focus more on me."(This shows how inconsiderate of your feelings he is. He knows you are anxious and trying to close the gap, but he is choosing to keep you in backup in case it doesn't work out with other girls. It's important to invest on someone who can make you a priority, not someone who choose his semester over you) A few weeks ago, he had agreed to be in another relationship, though only putting about 80% in for the time being. (This shows his lack of effort, and if things don't work out is where he will place the blame in someone else) He still chose his friends over me and talked to other girls, which I was not aware of. It was nothing like our relationship prior to the break-up. A little over a week ago, I found that he had been lying to me about many instances dealing with other girls. It was painful and I was going to cut everything off with him. However, he got extremely fearful of losing me and when we sat down to talk, he drove and bought me roses (my favorite), he cried as he asked me out, and he did everything he could to make it up to me and showed a great interest in wanting to truly be together again. (This is all nice and sweet of him, but theres something off about all of this. He is the same guy who neglects you, lies to you, put his semester and other people ahead, but then wants you when you are about to cut off contact?. I think this can be considered manipulative, he fear being alone, so he decided to do all of those things to avoid losing you.) He explained to me that he had been trying to push me away so that he could do what he thought was right, (Sure...what was right for himself...) though he never wanted to lose me. (His actions are not telling me any of this) Even before this, he was not controlling though he was possesive, he wanted no man to think they could have me because he took me as his. (This is an indication he doesn't see romantic partners as people, but rather objects that belong to him. He is extremely insecure and selfish, which also means he has a terrible fear of being abandoned.) I understand it is not the healthiest trait, though this is how he was raised to show affection. (Its a toxic trait, and he is now an adult, not a child) A few days later, he began to feel extremely guilty of what he had done and said that I deserve better. (Here we go again, he says the term "You deserve better" way too many time. This does not look like someone who is emotionally healthy and confident in himself. He has a hard time dealing with guilt and shame, which will make him push you away) I told him to forgive himself and give it time. Since then, we have bickered like an old, married couple and both him and I do not have the luxury to spend much time together, though when we do, it is amazing. (I understand you might feel amazing with him at first, but this won't really last) Last night, problems arose and I told him that if he would like to sit down and talk about a separation then we can do that. He wanted to. However, the topic changed and him and I were able to spend the day together today and it was amazing. (He dodged the conversation on purpose because he has a hard time dealing with issues and lacks adult communication. Things will only pile, and then it will make you feel unhappy while he does whatever he wants.) He did not imply at all that he wanted to separate and he seemed extremely grateful for the time and for our relationship. I have been texting him for awhile, though he unexpectedly brought up the fact that him and I "haven't had our talk yet." (This conversation didn't happen because he avoided the talk.) Our relationship used to be extremely stable, (Based on what you shared. I feel like this relationship was really unstable. I want you to pay close attention to how things were fine for a bit, a "problem" arise, and then you two would have a rough time. He tends to sabotage things because he is not used things being so peaceful) him and I were both talking of marriage, though now I am not sure what to do. (He will be happy talking about marriage when it is in the fantasy stage, but soon as these thoughts starts to settle in is where he will push you away and it might even cause the end of the relationship. Marriage for him might feel like he will lose his independence and sense of self) It is dull and feels unwanted at times. Neither of us are able to let each other go, and both of us want a future together. Anymore separation will not be healthy for either of us concidering the actions and feelings taken during our previous seperation, but I am constantly scared that it will end, especially now with him bringing up "the talk."(Honestly? its best to move forward with him. I understand it might make you feel sad what im saying, but his behavior tells me he can't do healthy relationships. He lies, projects, talks to other girls, neglects you, pushes you away and then wanted to put you on hold for 3-6 months. He really needs to seek therapy before you even considered being with a guy like this)