Ex GF cut me out, we have to work together and I'm having a hard time moving on.
So it's been about a month since my GF (ex) broke up with me. She broke up with me because she said I scared her, when I would get worked up over certain situations. (Never about her). The breakup was quite sudden and was not done in a way that gave me the opportunity to talk with her about it, or to explain things from my side. She initiated the breakup via text message, and to me it seemed quite sudden/out of the blue. Just the day before she had been saying that she loved me and would talk when she wasn't busy...then the next day, this happened.
Now what she meant by I scared her, is she told me that she didn't like how I would get worked up over situations I couldn't control. I never knew that those moments I'd have affected her as much as they did. I never directed anything at her nor did she ever make me angry ever. I am seeing a psych who can hopefully help me get out of this breakup funk, and work on my irritableness and make sure that I can start to control those moments where I used to get worked up. I would love for her to see me for who I was when we met, and for who I truely am as a person, not for how she saw me in those moments of iritability.
Now she has cut me out, and it doesn't make the fact that we have to work together any easier. I agree that it is good to have some space but the fact that when she texted me to break up, she said that she didn't want to talk to me because she didn't want to hear my emotions, was kind of heart wrenching. I am trying my best to respect that she probably just needs some space but it's how she went about it that gets to me. I want to contact her but I know I shouldn't, but the feeling of losing the contact I once used to have with her sucks and doesn't make it easy.
We do have to work together remotely now before September when we both our working together on-site. There has been emails exchanged, purely of a business format. But in a couple of those emails she has taken "pot-shots" at me within the emails. It doesn't make sense how she would go from being so nice and then go to being almost a little petty in her very intermittent contact with me. I am trying to stay professional, but this just hurts.
I'm just nervous/anxious about how things are going to be when we have to see each other again in September. I know that I'll have to act professionaly no matter what, but the thoughts I keep having about it are sending me deeper into a depressed state, and I can't help but think how things could be if this didn't happen and how much I want to ensure she knows that the thoughts she's having of me now (scary/bad guy) are not the thoughts that I intended to have or ever wanted her to feel.
Any help or comments would be appreciated, and I'm willing to start up a discussion on this.
@whawkins
Hey there, Hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;
So it's been about a month since my GF (ex) broke up with me. She broke up with me because she said I scared her, when I would get worked up over certain situations. (When a woman says this it means that for some reason she doesn't feel comfortable and safe around you, there's a chance she feels you don't have emotional self control to the point where she can openly tell you things, that could be the reason she told you that). (Never about her). The breakup was quite sudden and was not done in a way that gave me the opportunity to talk with her about it, or to explain things from my side. She initiated the breakup via text message, and to me it seemed quite sudden/out of the blue. Just the day before she had been saying that she loved me and would talk when she wasn't busy...then the next day, this happened. (She breakup over text because she was afraid that you might not react well, women are emotional beings they don't want to hurt your feelings and like to avoid drama and things like that. If she did it out of the blue then it means she has been thinking about it for awhile)
Now what she meant by I scared her, is she told me that she didn't like how I would get worked up over situations I couldn't control. (She definetly felt like you lost emotional self control at times). I never knew that those moments I'd have affected her as much as they did. I never directed anything at her nor did she ever make me angry ever. (Women are emotional beings, they can feel at times when you are mad, annoyed, irritable, sad by the tone of your voice, your expression, the things you might say, they are very intuitive when it comes to this so its hard to really lie to them here). I am seeing a psych who can hopefully help me get out of this breakup funk, and work on my irritableness and make sure that I can start to control those moments where I used to get worked up. (Feeling irritable would cause a woman to lose her feelings for you, she will no longer feel safe and then slowly back away, not say certain things etc). I would love for her to see me for who I was when we met, and for who I truely am as a person, not for how she saw me in those moments of iritability.
Now she has cut me out, and it doesn't make the fact that we have to work together any easier. (I see where you are coming from here, it'll be tough working with her after the breakup). I agree that it is good to have some space but the fact that when she texted me to break up, she said that she didn't want to talk to me because she didn't want to hear my emotions, was kind of heart wrenching. (She used the wrong choice of words there, it was not nice of her that she didn't want to hear your emotions). I am trying my best to respect that she probably just needs some space but it's how she went about it that gets to me. (I know it wasn't the correct way of doing things, but she did it so way so she wouldn't have to see you getting irritable again, so the best way for her was to say it over text). I want to contact her but I know I shouldn't , but the feeling of losing the contact I once used to have with her sucks and doesn't make it easy.(Contacting her would be a bad idea, she is the one who breakup with you, so you should walk away without looking back until she reaches out to you. Never chase someone who breakup with you, it'll turn them off even more).
We do have to work together remotely now before September when we both our working together on-site. (Let her see you happy, strong, smiling, don't talk about the breakup or anything personal. Let her see you as if you are over the breakup it'll make her wonder about you and how you were able to overcome it so fast). There has been emails exchanged, purely of a business format. But in a couple of those emails she has taken "pot-shots" at me within the emails. It doesn't make sense how she would go from being so nice and then go to being almost a little petty in her very intermittent contact with me. (If she is mean, rude, taking shots at you its best to not react mad or sad, however you need to stand up for yourself by telling her you don't appreciate her behavior, to contact you when she is ready to be sweet, kind and proffessional then end the conversation. Don't stay there to take her insults, it'll only enable her behavior). I am trying to stay professional, but this just hurts.
I'm just nervous/anxious about how things are going to be when we have to see each other again in September. (This is understandable, it could be nerve wrecking seeing her again, but in no way or form you should come to her, she should come to you) I know that I'll have to act professionaly no matter what (Thats how you should be, keep it strickly proffesional)., but the thoughts I keep having about it are sending me deeper into a depressed state, and I can't help but think how things could be if this didn't happen and how much I want to ensure she knows that the thoughts she's having of me now (scary/bad guy) are not the thoughts that I intended to have or ever wanted her to feel. (You shouldn't try to prove yourself in any way, I could see why you are feeling this way, its tough and hurtful knowing she is different now, but you took a great step on attempting to fix the irritability part. You want to get better, and overcome it, thats what is mostly important)
Any help or comments would be appreciated, and I'm willing to start up a discussion on this.
@freshLight64
Hey, thanks for replying. I am responding to your good points, and would love to continue possible discussion.
(When a woman says this it means that for some reason she doesn't feel comfortable and safe around you, there's a chance she feels you don't have emotional self control to the point where she can openly tell you things, that could be the reason she told you that). Yeah I feel like that is very true. I have had dates in the past with other women who I feel, got that vibe from me. I never fully noticed it until now. She did say that when we broke up. She said that she didn't want to hear my emotion but I feel like that was because of the feeling like I may be upset or irritated by her response. It sucks because I wish I could tell her that nothing she said would make me upset.
(She breakup over text because she was afraid that you might not react well, women are emotional beings they don't want to hurt your feelings and like to avoid drama and things like that. If she did it out of the blue then it means she has been thinking about it for awhile) I know that I may have been a bit taken back by a phone call, I admit that. But I feel that if she had said and talked about the things that were bothering her, that I would be able to take that in stride and hopefully start a small conversation about how she was feeling. But I do see it from her end, wanting to keep herself away from any "danger" or hurt because of a possible reaction. Now the hurt feelings part is a bit tough, because my feelings were definetly hurt when she texted instead of calling. It showed me in that moment that she had already taken the distance and the messages felt cold. I did have a feeling that she may have thought about it for a while, and that her intermittent contact before the breakup were signs, that I now see.
(She definetly felt like you lost emotional self control at times). And I'll admit that I did sometimes lose my control in certain situations. But because of how it happened so fast I'd never be aware of the effects until after the upset. (Women are emotional beings, they can feel at times when you are mad, annoyed, irritable, sad by the tone of your voice, your expression, the things you might say, they are very intuitive when it comes to this so its hard to really lie to them here). I did have an uneasy feeling last time I saw her that things were not right. She seemed to be acting different around me and it felt like she wasn't happy. I did try to talk to her about it but she convinced me that it was nothing. During the weekend I last saw her, she would be in that mood/feeling, but then during the day she would show happiness and love for me. We cuddled and watched movies, and both confessed how much we loved each other. I even told her that I would make sure that she always stayed safe and that she would never hurt herself. (Depression etc.) (Feeling irritable would cause a woman to lose her feelings for you, she will no longer feel safe and then slowly back away, not say certain things etc). Makes sense now. My psych said its a reaction people have to ensure that they don't feel un-safe. It was hard to hear because I never felt like I was hurting her or making her feel un-safe.
(She used the wrong choice of words there, it was not nice of her that she didn't want to hear your emotions). I wish she could've heard me out, even if only for a few minutes. I wanted to say to her that I still care for her and still have feelings for her; and if I could I would throw away my shitty qualities right then and there so that she could be happy/safe again.
(Contacting her would be a bad idea, she is the one who breakup with you, so you should walk away without looking back until she reaches out to you. Never chase someone who breakup with you, it'll turn them off even more). Yeah this is true, it would probably also help me move forward without feeling a sense of hurt again. I have heard that reaching out can turn them off more, but I'm sure you can see my dilemma with having to be professional (work), but also just wanting to check and see how she's doing. It's also hard being cutoff from her on a social level too. No photos to see, no posts or tagged commetns to answer too, and it will all come back to bite me I feel when we go to conferences and have to be in a group chat together with the team.
(Let her see you happy, strong, smiling, don't talk about the breakup or anything personal. Let her see you as if you are over the breakup it'll make her wonder about you and how you were able to overcome it so fast). I don't know for sure if she will ever think about how I'm doing, you think she will? I mean yeah it may be good for her to see that I'm doing better/well but I am unsure if that will make her even think about me in the slightest. Maybe I'm overreacting, it's just hard for me to imagine a woman wondering about a guy she broke up with.
(If she is mean, rude, taking shots at you its best to not react mad or sad, however you need to stand up for yourself by telling her you don't appreciate her behavior, to contact you when she is ready to be sweet, kind and proffessional then end the conversation. Don't stay there to take her insults, it'll only enable her behavior). Yeah I don't react in the emails, but it still makes me sad/annoyed that she'd go to that level after everything I did for her when we were together. (Answering her phone calls at 2am when she's bawling her eyes out because her friends abandoned her at the bar. Or when she was hurt and needed help she would phone me). I am trying to stay professional, but this just hurts.
(This is understandable, it could be nerve wrecking seeing her again, but in no way or form you should come to her, she should come to you) (Thats how you should be, keep it strickly proffesional). Okay so basically keep interactions to a minimum if possible, and only interact with her if she talks or approaches me right?
(You shouldn't try to prove yourself in any way, I could see why you are feeling this way, its tough and hurtful knowing she is different now, but you took a great step on attempting to fix the irritability part. You want to get better, and overcome it, thats what is mostly important) I feel the reason that I tried to prove myself is because she did want me to work on that and change. It felt like for a while it was going good and that she said she could see that I was trying my best to change. During the breakup she said I didn't change and that made me wonder more of, why should I change for her? I am who I am and should change for myself. Yes I regret not "changing" to her standards, but ultimately it could've ended up in the same spot just later on in the relationship (years down the road) which would be an even worse aftermath.
Thanks again for your insight. Would love to hear back, and from anyone else you know who may have thoughts or info.
@whawkins
Hey there, there's a few things i would like to point out;
I have had dates in the past with other women who I feel, got that vibe from me. I never fully noticed it until now. (I could be wrong about this, but you can correct me if I'm wrong. I get the feeling that during your childhood your feelings were supressed, an example would be that if as a child you felt angry or sad then immediatly someone would say to stop behaving that and thus invalidating how you feel, so then this carried to your adulthood, which could be why you get irritable if you don't agree with something, if something they said bothers you etc. There could also be unmet needs from your chilhood and adult life which can also cause this). She did say that when we broke up. She said that she didn't want to hear my emotion but I feel like that was because of the feeling like I may be upset or irritated by her response. (I could see where she is coming from, but basically saying that was wrong, she practically didn't want to hear what you would say) It sucks because I wish I could tell her that nothing she said would make me upset. (Well if you have gotten irritable, it shows in your expression then she is not going to believe you).
But I feel that if she had said and talked about the things that were bothering her, that I would be able to take that in stride and hopefully start a small conversation about how she was feeling. (Well she probably gave you hints here and there, based on what you shared she told you a few things about the irritable part. The only thing she didn't do was to listen to what you have to say, she sent a text then didn't want to hear "your emotions", her saying that wasn't fair) But I do see it from her end, wanting to keep herself away from any "danger" or hurt because of a possible reaction. (A lot of women would do this to avoid the reaction of a guy) Now the hurt feelings part is a bit tough, because my feelings were definetly hurt when she texted instead of calling. It showed me in that moment that she had already taken the distance and the messages felt cold. I did have a feeling that she may have thought about it for a while, and that her intermittent contact before the breakup were signs, that I now see.
I did have an uneasy feeling last time I saw her that things were not right. She seemed to be acting different around me and it felt like she wasn't happy. (You were definetly reading the vibes here, it made you feel like she was just there for being there, not enthusiatic to be there or happy) I did try to talk to her about it but she convinced me that it was nothing. (In here you did the right thing by asking her, but i get the impression that she is not good at communication. A woman who communicates really well would be more than happy to tell you whats going on, instead she left you wondering about this. This could also have been a test to see how much you care about her). During the weekend I last saw her, she would be in that mood/feeling (Definetly something was wrong with her), but then during the day she would show happiness and love for me. We cuddled and watched movies, and both confessed how much we loved each other. (Things here were going really well, but then all of the sudden she breakups with you, this confuses a lot of men, and they will always think like "But i thought everything was fine") I even told her that I would make sure that she always stayed safe and that she would never hurt herself. (Depression etc.)Makes sense now. My psych said its a reaction people have to ensure that they don't feel un-safe. (He/She is right, its important to smile when you say certain things, if theres a vibe of anger and irritability then the woman will feel unsafe, this also has to do with insecurities that leads you to feel that way, or perhaps not sleeping properly) It was hard to hear because I never felt like I was hurting her or making her feel un-safe. I wish she could've heard me out, even if only for a few minutes. (Well i get the feeling that you would have try to convince her to stay, which it wouldn't have work) I wanted to say to her that I still care for her and still have feelings for her; and if I could I would throw away my shitty qualities right then and there so that she could be happy/safe again. (She wouldn't have liked that you said that to her, it would have turn her off because she wanted to breakup, you try to get that closeness back would make her push you away even further specially if you talk about her feelings. It would have been wise to make her feel heard and understood by listening).
I have heard that reaching out can turn them off more, but I'm sure you can see my dilemma with having to be professional (work), but also just wanting to check and see how she's doing. (Reaching out would turn off, she has to see that you are out of the picture and uninterested in her, it'll make her wonder about you, about how could you be so strong by moving. Its rare of a guy walking away like this, it communicates you are confident and have self respect). It's also hard being cutoff from her on a social level too. No photos to see, no posts or tagged commetns to answer too, and it will all come back to bite me I feel when we go to conferences and have to be in a group chat together with the team. (If she deleted you from social media then it doesn't seem like she is emotionally mature, however there's not much you should do, except keep the conversation short and professional then walk away when its over). I don't know for sure if she will ever think about how I'm doing, you think she will? (Theres a chance aslong as you don't reach our first, not talk about romance and feelings with her. An ex might revisit the idea of a person they used tto be with, but its not a good idea to put your life on hold for this). I mean yeah it may be good for her to see that I'm doing better/well but I am unsure if that will make her even think about me in the slightest. (its better for her to see you unaffected by the breakup, it'll make her wonder how you are so strong, by walking away you took the power back). Maybe I'm overreacting, it's just hard for me to imagine a woman wondering about a guy she broke up with. Yeah I don't react in the emails, but it still makes me sad/annoyed that she'd go to that level after everything I did for her when we were together. (You could have been with her for 10 years and did everything for her, but if you screw up and such then that won't matter, what matters its the present with them, and at times they might bring up unresolved issues to communicate you hurt them the same way you did back then as now) (Answering her phone calls at 2am when she's bawling her eyes out because her friends abandoned her at the bar. Or when she was hurt and needed help she would phone me). (You did this from the kindness of your heart, without expecting anything)
I feel the reason that I tried to prove myself is because she did want me to work on that and change. (You should do it for yourself first, prove it to yourself that you can change it, not to anyone else). It felt like for a while it was going good and that she said she could see that I was trying my best to change. (It sounds like you were doing the right things, she was noticing you were changing your behavior). During the breakup she said I didn't change and that made me wonder more of, why should I change for her? (Basically she said "Hey I have bring up the irritable part a few times, it doesn't make me feel comfortable and safe around you, so i don't see you'll modify this behavior, so I'm going to breakup with you", you got to listen to her when she talks about something bothering her, if not then her attraction will lower to the point where she will leave) I am who I am and should change for myself. Yes I regret not "changing" to her standards, (She wanted you to change the irritability part, it was turning her off) but ultimately it could've ended up in the same spot just later on in the relationship (years down the road) which would be an even worse aftermath.
@freshLight64
@freshLight64
(I could be wrong about this, but you can correct me if I'm wrong. I get the feeling that during your childhood your feelings were supressed, an example would be that if as a child you felt angry or sad then immediatly someone would say to stop behaving that and thus invalidating how you feel, so then this carried to your adulthood, which could be why you get irritable if you don't agree with something, if something they said bothers you etc. There could also be unmet needs from your chilhood and adult life which can also cause this). I do feel like in the past (childhood) that I remember people telling me to stop or not to get so worked up, so maybe there wasn't a moment for me to fully express how I feel. I could see this having an affect on my adulthood, and how yes I sometimes get irritable when things don't go exactly how I wanted, or when someone hasa differing opinion. In which her and I did have differing opinions on things. (Children, travel etc.).
(I could see where she is coming from, but basically saying that was wrong, she practically didn't want to hear what you would say) Yeah it wasn't cool that she just discounted how I feel. She said she was sorry, but it felt a bit ironic given that she didn't think all of my sorrys were sincere. Karma?
But I feel that if she had said and talked about the things that were bothering her, that I would be able to take that in stride and hopefully start a small conversation about how she was feeling. (Well she probably gave you hints here and there, based on what you shared she told you a few things about the irritable part. The only thing she didn't do was to listen to what you have to say, she sent a text then didn't want to hear "your emotions", her saying that wasn't fair) Yeah I feel like she didn't really care if it was unfair to me, but maybe I should''ve listened harder. I did try to talk about it or explain how I was trying my damndest to change how I react to things, but I told her it'd take some time. She thought I could change all of it within a couple weeks (2-3). But that simply isn't possible.
(A lot of women would do this to avoid the reaction of a guy) I know she did this to avoid another reaction, and she told me about how guys in her past had hurt her in other ways. I just never thought I would be someone to her that is hurtful. I would always feel 100x more happy and less depressed when I saw her beautiful smile and happiness to see me, standing at my door. She has opened up a part of my heart that I believe was cold and dead inside before.
(You were definetly reading the vibes here, it made you feel like she was just there for being there, not enthusiatic to be there or happy) I kept telling myself that I was wrong and it could be something else making her mood change. (In here you did the right thing by asking her, but i get the impression that she is not good at communication. A woman who communicates really well would be more than happy to tell you whats going on, instead she left you wondering about this. This could also have been a test to see how much you care about her). People who knew about her not communicating have been telling me that I deserve a girl who will listen to what I have to say and not take that for granted. This could be true? If it was a test then I would ultimately lose more respect for her, as I think testing someones resolve just to prove a point is not healthy. If she needed to see how much I loved her, all she had to do was keep focused on all the good times, and see that I would drop everything for her even when I didn't really have the time to. (Definetly something was wrong with her) (Things here were going really well, but then all of the sudden she breakups with you, this confuses a lot of men, and they will always think like "But i thought everything was fine") I'm assuming that it wasn't a decision made overnight? She proably thought about it? (He/She is right, its important to smile when you say certain things, if theres a vibe of anger and irritability then the woman will feel unsafe, this also has to do with insecurities that leads you to feel that way, or perhaps not sleeping properly) I wish I was a more openly expressive person, but I just am not. Even when I'm not smiling I try my best to let everyone know that I am enjoying their company and the times we are having. (Well i get the feeling that you would have try to convince her to stay, which it wouldn't have work) I think I've finally realized that. Sucks, but got to see the closed door at some point. (She wouldn't have liked that you said that to her, it would have turn her off because she wanted to breakup, you try to get that closeness back would make her push you away even further specially if you talk about her feelings. It would have been wise to make her feel heard and understood by listening). I didn't say these things, just things I thought I should've said. But I tried my best to listen to all her qualms that she had or finally expressed. I was trying to be as open to all the news of the breakup as possible and be cordial with my replies.
(Reaching out would turn off, she has to see that you are out of the picture and uninterested in her, it'll make her wonder about you, about how could you be so strong by moving. Its rare of a guy walking away like this, it communicates you are confident and have self respect). I do hope she sees that I have self respect and strength. If she ever wanted to chat on her terms then I feel that my strong, confident demenour would be more welcoming than a sad/depressed. (If she deleted you from social media then it doesn't seem like she is emotionally mature, however there's not much you should do, except keep the conversation short and professional then walk away when its over). Oh trust me I'm aware that she doesn't seem to be very emotionally mature. She also kept Snapchatting me while we were broken up (for a week), and when I finally replied to tell her that we both needed the space, she got really mad and told me to leave her alone...newsflash...I didn't snap you all week.
(Theres a chance aslong as you don't reach our first, not talk about romance and feelings with her. An ex might revisit the idea of a person they used tto be with, but its not a good idea to put your life on hold for this). (its better for her to see you unaffected by the breakup, it'll make her wonder how you are so strong, by walking away you took the power back). Yeah I won't put life on hold but I also won't close any door till she either doesn't approach me again or if I move on with someone else (if that ever happens lol ): )
(You could have been with her for 10 years and did everything for her, but if you screw up and such then that won't matter, what matters its the present with them, and at times they might bring up unresolved issues to communicate you hurt them the same way you did back then as now) (You did this from the kindness of your heart, without expecting anything) And I feel that is why I had a tough time accepting it all, because I was so open to helping her, even when I had to sleep before work. But when I called her when I needed help she told me she was sleeping and to leave her alone...hmmm I'm sensing a double-standard?
(You should do it for yourself first, prove it to yourself that you can change it, not to anyone else). That's what I'm doing from now on. (It sounds like you were doing the right things, she was noticing you were changing your behavior). Felt like it.
Basically she said "Hey I have bring up the irritable part a few times, it doesn't make me feel comfortable and safe around you, so i don't see you'll modify this behavior, so I'm going to breakup with you", you got to listen to her when she talks about something bothering her, if not then her attraction will lower to the point where she will leave) Thing is, she never told me about how it bugged her. She left all of that until the breakup. That is why I didn't know if I was on the right track with her or not. (She wanted you to change the irritability part, it was turning her off) If I had more time and the proper ways to talk to her about things, I feel it would've went much better..
@whawkins
I do feel like in the past (childhood) that I remember people telling me to stop or not to get so worked up, so maybe there wasn't a moment for me to fully express how I feel. (This makes a lot of sense now, basically those people invalidated your feelings, so it made you feel very fearful of not speaking how you feel, it also has to do with fear of losing their unconditional love. They should have comfort you, and show you love throughout this so it would have make you feel more open when it comes to discussing things. That part from your childhood was transfer to your relationships, its an attachment trauma pretty much) I could see this having an affect on my adulthood, and how yes I sometimes get irritable when things don't go exactly how I wanted, or when someone hasa differing opinion. (In here if someone has a different opinion, point of view, if they say no then it makes you feel as if they are rejecting you as a person, it also makes you feel as if they don't like you, the thought goes like this "Hey they have a different opinion than me, it means they are rejecting me and not understanding me" so this causes anxiety, it makes you lose emotional self control, then its expressed through your eyes and facial expressions) In which her and I did have differing opinions on things. (It's okay to have different opinions as long as both sides respect each other opinions)
Yeah I feel like she didn't really care if it was unfair to me, but maybe I should''ve listened harder. (To your defense, its hard to do something like this if you didn't grow up seeing how communication is or worked to know how it works, so this kind of things are probably new to you). I did try to talk about it or explain how I was trying my damndest to change how I react to things, but I told her it'd take some time. (its understandable you said this, its not easy changing something that have been with you since you were a child, the thing is that this kind of things are not easily understood by other people who are not trained unless they have go through what you went through). She thought I could change all of it within a couple weeks (2-3). (Well aslong as you did bit by bit less it would make her see you are giving your best) But that simply isn't possible. I know she did this to avoid another reaction, and she told me about how guys in her past had hurt her in other ways. (Thats a red flag, more than likely she probably didn't overcome what other guys did on her past, so possibly she brings some of that to her next relationships) I just never thought I would be someone to her that is hurtful. I would always feel 100x more happy and less depressed when I saw her beautiful smile and happiness to see me, standing at my door. (I could be wrong, but this tells me your happiness revolved around her) She has opened up a part of my heart that I believe was cold and dead inside before.
I kept telling myself that I was wrong and it could be something else making her mood change. (These are subtle signs a women gives when she is not happy, a lot of guys don't take these signs seriously) People who knew about her not communicating have been telling me that I deserve a girl who will listen to what I have to say and not take that for granted. This could be true? (Well it depends, she should have listen to you, instead she just breakup and didn't give you a chance to talk, thats not how an adult would communicate) If it was a test then I would ultimately lose more respect for her, as I think testing someones resolve just to prove a point is not healthy. (If you are screwing up, you will be tested by her doing more of what gets you irritable, thats her way of making you step up and be the best man you can be. She want you at your strongest, so if you get irritable after you told her you would change, and she tests you then her attraction will lower for you. All women will test in one way or the other, even if you are on a relationship for 40 years, if you do the right things then she will hardly test you.) If she needed to see how much I loved her, all she had to do was keep focused on all the good times (Well the irritable part and getting annoyed will lower her attraction for you to the point where she will consider breakup), and see that I would drop everything for her even when I didn't really have the time to. (Dropping everything for her willl actually make her attraction lower as well, this also tells me you did all of this because you care, but also because you didn't want to lose her).
Oh trust me I'm aware that she doesn't seem to be very emotionally mature. (Cutting you off, not allowing you to speak does show immaturity, but if you kept messaging her after she breakup with you then she will result to that) She also kept Snapchatting me while we were broken up (for a week),(This is called the indirect approach, meaning that you should have ask her out on a date and possibly things would have been solved. She regret the decision so she started reaching out, however a woman will not openly tell you this, they are more subtle on their approach). and when I finally replied to tell her that we both needed the space, (This was not the correct response) she got really mad and told me to leave her alone...newsflash...I didn't snap you all week. (She got insecure, and felt rejected here so she lost emotional self control) Yeah I won't put life on hold but I also won't close any door till she either doesn't approach me again or if I move on with someone else (if that ever happens lol ): ). (I do think you should dating though, meeting new woman, you learned a lot from this)And I feel that is why I had a tough time accepting it all, because I was so open to helping her, even when I had to sleep before work. But when I called her when I needed help she told me she was sleeping and to leave her alone...hmmm I'm sensing a double-standard?. (The purpose of all relationship is to give, however you should pay attention of their reciprocation. You did so many things for her, stay up late, solve all of her issues, while she didn't do the same...this causes her to take you for granted. You got to pat close attention to these things on your next relationship)
@freshLight64
(This makes a lot of sense now, basically those people invalidated your feelings, so it made you feel very fearful of not speaking how you feel, it also has to do with fear of losing their unconditional love. They should have comfort you, and show you love throughout this so it would have make you feel more open when it comes to discussing things. That part from your childhood was transfer to your relationships, its an attachment trauma pretty much) Yeah it may have been a mix of both. For one they would always mention when I would start to get worked up, and would make sure I knew why I shouldn't. It did also make me unsure of why I would have the outbursts that I did and it bugged me. Even now I know that it bugs me thinking that when I get mad that I am making them dissapointed in me. I've always wanted to try to fix it, but I never knew how much it affected others until after this breakup. It hurts knowing that my irritableness made someone else hurt, and lose their love/trust in me. (In here if someone has a different opinion, point of view, if they say no then it makes you feel as if they are rejecting you as a person, it also makes you feel as if they don't like you, the thought goes like this "Hey they have a different opinion than me, it means they are rejecting me and not understanding me" so this causes anxiety, it makes you lose emotional self control, then its expressed through your eyes and facial expressions) It's weird because I do have that feeling like I need to validate my opininions to some people because I feel like when I say my opinions that they become detached from me, because they don't always agree. That's what I felt like, once my ex gf told me that she didn't actually agree with me and that she was jsut pretending to. And maybe she sensed that through my tone/facial expressions, but to me she never showed signs of being against them. (It's okay to have different opinions as long as both sides respect each other opinions) Yes this is true, but she never expressed her opinions truthfully because of her not wanting to hurt my feelings or go against what my opinion. So discussion never happened.
(its understandable you said this, its not easy changing something that have been with you since you were a child, the thing is that this kind of things are not easily understood by other people who are not trained unless they have go through what you went through). And the thing is, I was and still am changing things as I go. It is a step by step process which I feel like was rushed. I feel like she has her own communication issues, because she wasn't really good at communicating things to me. (Well aslong as you did bit by bit less it would make her see you are giving your best) And bit by bit I did, but I think she thought I would be done changing within a couple weeks (like a lightswitch). But in truth I'm still working on it, and it is going to take some time.
(Thats a red flag, more than likely she probably didn't overcome what other guys did on her past, so possibly she brings some of that to her next relationships) I was told by people close t o me that they felt there were some red flags. I didn't believe them of course. There is definetly this inability I feel, for her to fully overcome what happened in her past, and that did carry over. I didn't want to see the red flags because I was caught up in the moment and enjoying being with her no matter what. She was one of my first more serious GF's. (I could be wrong, but this tells me your happiness revolved around her) A lot of my days in school and this summer were better when she was around. She would pick me up on my bad days, and I would try to make her smile on her bad days. It seemed like we clicked.
(These are subtle signs a women gives when she is not happy, a lot of guys don't take these signs seriously) I never fully noticed these signs, and if I did I attributed it to her having a rough day at school or work...not me :(. (Well it depends, she should have listen to you, instead she just breakup and didn't give you a chance to talk, thats not how an adult would communicate) Yeah and that's not fair to me. I don't deserve to be treated like dirt.
(If you are screwing up, you will be tested by her doing more of what gets you irritable, thats her way of making you step up and be the best man you can be. She want you at your strongest, so if you get irritable after you told her you would change, and she tests you then her attraction will lower for you. All women will test in one way or the other, even if you are on a relationship for 40 years, if you do the right things then she will hardly test you.) Yeah I guess it just sucks because even if she did test me, I still would''ve rather had her talk to me as well. 100% open and honest discussion would've really been good for both of us I feel. (Well the irritable part and getting annoyed will lower her attraction for you to the point where she will consider breakup) It just sicks that I didn't have more time to show her that I was working on it. (Dropping everything for her willl actually make her attraction lower as well, this also tells me you did all of this because you care, but also because you didn't want to lose her). That's right, I didn't. But I did and hopefully I can learn from my mistakes in the long-run, and find someone else equally as awesome!
(Cutting you off, not allowing you to speak does show immaturity, but if you kept messaging her after she breakup with you then she will result to that) I tried not to talk to her at all but it was tough. (This is called the indirect approach, meaning that you should have ask her out on a date and possibly things would have been solved. She regret the decision so she started reaching out, however a woman will not openly tell you this, they are more subtle on their approach). I know that it may seem like it, but when I did reach out to her to say that, or ask her about maybe going on a date she shot that idea down super fast.
(I do think you should dating though, meeting new woman, you learned a lot from this) I do think that'd be good, but I feel like I want to wait a bit before doing that. I will probably try and hangout with friends more often and see if I can meet anyone new that way. Not through work...(The purpose of all relationship is to give, however you should pay attention of their reciprocation. You did so many things for her, stay up late, solve all of her issues, while she didn't do the same...this causes her to take you for granted. You got to pat close attention to these things on your next relationship) And I know that she probably reached out more than I reached out to her, but I didn't want to burden her with my issues or phone her late at night in-case she was sleeping. It is an odd situation I know.
