Feeling lost

@Hunnyb6969

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My relationship was 4 years. I genuinely felt like i had found my soul mate. (It's very important to be mindful when it comes to the word "soul mate" because sometimes its given too much meaning to the point where it might make you tolerate certain things you shouldn't) He walked out on me about 6 months ago with no explanation and it killed me i was so broken i was pregnant and it had been all we wanted then out of the blue he just didnt come home and said he didnt see a future anymore. (It's completly understandable the way you felt, it can be so hurtful and shocking when someone you love walks away without proper explanation. I get the feeling he tends to back out and retreat when the future of something he wants is getting closer to fruition) After a few weeks he admited he was so depressed with himself he didnt know what else to do but leave to save me pain. (I can understand depression can definetly impact a person decision, but it feels like he left because of how scared he felt about the future, not to save you from the pain) We gave it another go but sadley lost the baby which hit us both hard we worked through it together (Sorry to hear you lost the baby, hopefully you feel better) and a few months past and i noticed some tell tell signs early on that he was depressed again money, past life experience and self hate he had no self worth no matter how much i tried to help build his confidence i put everything i had into trying to help him out of the depression (This definetly shows you are a caring and loving partner, but it can definetly be tough supporting someone who has not dealt with their own issues.) as he wouldnt talk to anyone else or get help (This is key here, he shuts down when things get tough and isn't willing to get the help he needs, so this makes you try even harder because you feel this need to help him) i paid his bills i stayed up most nights to comfort him through his nightmares i made every efforrt despite feeling so pushed away (You are wonderful, it shows how devoted you were to him. I don't want to come across as being negative with what you did for him, but all of this is starting to feel like you put your needs, wants, hurt, health and self-respect second, while attending to everything he needed (or rather you thought he needed). This will make him take you for granted because the relationship is too uneven, it has turned into all about him...you count as well) then he left again he told me it was bcos he had to turn cold to deal with his problems (He did this to push you away because he was feeling smothered. Your help and dedication are amazing, but its a double edge sword when he is pushing you away. I can tell you had this huge urge to help even after he was pushing you away) he said he was so unhappy and he thought he shouldnt be unhappy if he is in a relationship (This is more of a reflection of him than you.) with someone he loves so he has to be on his own. (I can tell he couldn't handle the emotional closeness in the relationship because of how his past was) I know that if you are really depressed it doesnt matter who you are with or around if you dont deal with it yourself no one can make u happy it consumes you. (That's true, and all he is doing is not facing those issues) I didnt fight or argue i let him go i didnt wnt it to be harder on him. (You did the right thing. This is the second time he leaves you like this, i hope you don't take him back so easily because he will do this again. He would have to prove to you that he is really serious about wanting you and will get the right help before you even consider getting back to him. I think he is behaving a bit selfish) I know i cant go bk there now but i miss him everyday and wish i could stop :( xx (It's okay to miss him, let yourself feel those emotions because of the attachment and feelings you have for him)