Finally broke up and It hurts
I was with my gf for 2 years, living in the New York, but not the same house. I became very ill with anxiety and depression and decided to move away from the city and back home (several hours away) with my parents to try and cope. My gf broke up with me 6 months later as I still hadnt moved back to the city. I asked her if I got worse would she temporarily move to where I was and she said no. I had also previously asked her to move in with me in the city and she also said no so she could save.
After a 2 week no contact I had started to move on and forget her. However she messaged saying she wanted me back. We started speaking everyday for 3 months but I said I didnt want to rush. We arranged to meet up, however just before we met, she decided she didnt want to see me. I saw her anyway but it wasnt relaxed because of the cancellation. On the last day she messaged to meet up and I said no, almost in reaction to feeling like she had messed me round. She has now blamed everything on me, stating that she tried hard and I didnt. She has since blocked me on all forms of contact and said she will never speak to me again. I feel like I had my chance, and I didnt take it because i was worried about my health and having to move back. She planned so much, always wanted to see me etc but I wanted to go slow, and rather than explain that I almost ignored her. I feel ashamed and now a girl I love has disappeared from my life. I blame my health and now I do nothing but hurt. What do I do?!
Simon
@Luna12345678910
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
I was with my gf for 2 years, living in the New York, but not the same house. I became very ill with anxiety and depression and decided to move away from the city and back home (several hours away) with my parents to try and cope. My gf broke up with me 6 months later as I still hadnt moved back to the city. (Hmmm, I understand she might have felt a certain way when you moved to a different place, but there must be other reasons why suddenly ended things) I asked her if I got worse would she temporarily move to where I was and she said no. I had also previously asked her to move in with me in the city and she also said no so she could save. (In here there some issues going on. She obviously wanted you to closer, but at the same you couldn't because it was a place that was affecting you. There's a chance she mostly wanted things her way without thinking about your mental health)
After a 2 week no contact I had started to move on and forget her. However she messaged saying she wanted me back. (This starting to sound like a fake breakup, where the breakup was done on order to make you do what she wants) We started speaking everyday for 3 months but I said I didnt want to rush. (I feel like speaking everyday for 3 months after a breakup might have been too much closeness for her, but you did the right thing in not wanting to rush things) We arranged to meet up, however just before we met, she decided she didnt want to see me. (This tells me she was happy and excited about the fantasy of seeing you, however when it came to the realization is where she felt scared and didn't want to feel the closeness) I saw her anyway but it wasnt relaxed because of the cancellation. (I understand the way she canceled things caught you by surprised and even made you feel anxious, but i get the impression you forced yourself in because of the level of anxiety you felt, so this will make her feel trapped) On the last day she messaged to meet up and I said no, almost in reaction to feeling like she had messed me round. (I can understand why you would say this. You felt angry because you two made plans to spend time together and then all the sudden she canceled plans) She has now blamed everything on me, stating that she tried hard and I didnt. (Her message is coming across as manipulative to me. She felt rejected because you didn't do what she wanted (you had every right to say either yes or no) and now she is seeking to make you feel hurt in the same way she felt. I think she is making you feel responsible for everything because she isn't emotionally mature to accept her part on the downfall of this relationship. You both played a part in the relationship ending) She has since blocked me on all forms of contact and said she will never speak to me again. (You must had feel a lot of hurt going through this. She is definetly very angry, and seeking to punish you in the process. She is not behaving like an adult here, she is definetly being manipulative right here. She is doing this to make you go after her and overcompensate) I feel like I had my chance, and I didnt take it because i was worried about my health and having to move back. (I understand you feel a lot of guilt after what happened, but you had every right to say no.) She planned so much, always wanted to see me etc but I wanted to go slow, and rather than explain that I almost ignored her. (She ended things, so it was very understandable you wanted to take things slow. You did the right thing in taking things slow, it truly show how selfish and manipulative she is.) I feel ashamed and now a girl I love has disappeared from my life. I blame my health and now I do nothing but hurt. What do I do?! (Do nothing. She clearly doesn't understand the concept of "no" or "i need to take it slow". You should want to be with a woman who respects your boundaries, not someone who is going to lose it the minute you set a boundary. The way she behaved was unreasonable, it just clearly reflects how much attachment trauma she has.)
@freshLight64
Thankyou for your kind response it has shared a new light on it for me. I have not heard of attachment trauma, this is something that I will have to look into to understand more.
My biggest regret is maybe not telling her until she left, that I wanted to take it slow. However, I did say I didn't want to rush. Only a couple of weeks into us starting to talk again, did she offer to go away on holiday. That made me back off and frightened almost! I agree that she won't accept her side. If she was open to moving near my end of the country or moving in with me the first time, maybe we wouldn't be here right now.
I still feel very sad that I have been blocked and that she wants to forget me like I apparently forgot her. I feel awful for the number of times she tried and I didn't quite communicate with her effectively enough and alsmot blanked her. It's that feeling where you feel you should have done more! It will be hard 'doing nothing' as I feel if I do, and no matter how much I improve myself from now on, she won't ever come back. Last time, I had the feeling that I had done nothing wrong and it was her loss as she left me. This time, I feel like she offered me a chance and I didn't take it because I was upset and wanted to go slower. The thought of her with another man makes me feel so bad, and I also blame my mental health, because, without it, we would probably still be together. :(
@Luna12345678910
My biggest regret is maybe not telling her until she left, that I wanted to take it slow. However, I did say I didn't want to rush. (I would have say the same thing because she ended things. She wanted you back without thinking of the breakup hurt you, so its totally understandable you didn't want to rush things) Only a couple of weeks into us starting to talk again, did she offer to go away on holiday. That made me back off and frightened almost! (This is normal, theres a chance she came on too strong and you felt afraid of being hurt again. The way you felt was normal, it was an indication you needed more time to feel comfortable and safe with her again) I agree that she won't accept her side. (She has vulnerability issues. She can't handle being wrong or when its her fault because it would threaten her own ego. She rather projects and blames you than handle admitting its her fault) If she was open to moving near my end of the country or moving in with me the first time, maybe we wouldn't be here right now. (There's also a chance she wasn't ready to do this)
I still feel very sad that I have been blocked and that she wants to forget me like I apparently forgot her. (Its understandable you feel this way. Being blocked by someone you love is really painful, it triggersyour past abandonment and trauma) I feel awful for the number of times she tried and I didn't quite communicate with her effectively enough and alsmot blanked her. It's that feeling where you feel you should have done more! (Perhaps, but remember it takes two to communicate. I think she also did things to trigger your anxiety and push you away. What has she done to improve the relationship in the past 5 months?) It will be hard 'doing nothing' as I feel if I do, and no matter how much I improve myself from now on, she won't ever come back. (What i mean is don't go after her or chase her because it will give her pleasure in rejecting you. It does hurt thinking she might not comeback, but throughout this time its important to really become aware of your behavior, and also gain knowledge on her behavior) Last time, I had the feeling that I had done nothing wrong and it was her loss as she left me. This time, I feel like she offered me a chance and I didn't take it because I was upset and wanted to go slower. (I understand how this feels, its this voice on the back of your mind that tells you "you should have go for it". Ill go far as to say thats a critical inner voice that created during your interactions with your parents. I can tell you tried to say what you wanted or how you feel, and they responded with neglect and abandonment. You mentioned "I want to take it slowly" which you did great in saying so, however her behavior and actions will make you feel as if its your fault because she responded in a very dramatic and immature way. What she did will trigger your past events, and then you will end up blaming yourself since people have always blame you for everything) The thought of her with another man makes me feel so bad, and I also blame my mental health, because, without it, we would probably still be together. :( (I feel that it would have ended the same way if you wouldn't have depression. She has tons of issues, I believe she played a major part on how things ended between the two of you. She comes across as selfish, manipulative and immature)