First time dealing with heartbreak after 16y relationship
Hi,
I’m going through a breakup after a very long-term relationship (16 years, married). We have known each other since we were kids.
We were a DINKWAD couple (no kids, with a dog), and our corgi was a big part of our life together. As we separated, we decided that she would keep our dog, since it’s better when she lives alone. I still love him very much, and that part is emotionally difficult for me, too.
The relationship didn’t end because of one big conflict, but more because we slowly drifted apart. I focused heavily on work and responsibility, didn’t express emotions well, and over time, she felt emotionally alone. When she finally chose herself, the gap was already too big.
Right now, we are in the process of separating and rebuilding our own lives. I’m trying to handle it with respect and calm, even though it’s painful. I still care about her, I love her deeply, but I understand that holding on right now would only make things worse for both of us.
At night, I often feel empty, sad, and tired. Sometimes memories come back, sometimes I wake up from dreams. I’m looking for advice on fixing the relationship or forcing positivity. Can I do something in the future to fix my relationship, or should I move on, find someone else, or just let fate decide?
Thank you for listening.
@Hadama
You really cannot force positivity.
I'm sorry you are struggling.
The loneliness can be tough.
And when nothing actually happened, it just fizzled out, that can be difficult.
If you want to try again, only you both can decide that, and both putting work in.
If not, it'll take time to heal 💜
@Hadama
most relationships end from a big thing ... but of bunch of little things added up ....
That is also why it is so much harder to fix. A person could apologize for a big mistake but continual ignoring or not being present is not excused.
So many realize how they were focused on work or they did not communicate etc. My spouse was exact same way. But he could not tell me how he was no good at talking etc because the first ten years he was fine.... only when he took me for granted did his inability to listen and talk become a flaw he wanted to change.
It sucks letting go of something you had for so long and have a life you once thought would last to death do you part.
If you want it back do not wait for the "right" time or for her to give you a sign... speak up and tell her how you feel now.
Hi, thank you for sharing,
I tried to talk about fixing our marriage before she moved out, but she tried to avoid that too, she felt break down, exhausted every time I tried to bring up that topic. It hurt for both of us, seeing her like that is torturing me. I tried to fix our marriage, by not divorcing, we separated, gave each other time and space to think, to heal, to rebuild. I still have hope, I still love her deeply. Now losing her absences is painful, but I can not think of anything else better than this.
Did you both talked it out? I am somewhat going through the same thing, small things added up and now we cant stay in the same room without fighting and taunting. Initially and has always been from my side because its me who always has a problem in the relationship but now he participates in arguments too. We have given it many tries. I dont really know if I should give it a try again and till when?
Hi, thanks for sharing. In my case, we barely talked, and she avoided every time I brought up the conversation, like she built barriers around her to block all my effort to get back and sort things out. She just went silent and left the house. Our relationships have been built on 16 years foundation, and everything just torn down in just a couple of months. I knew things started to get urgly 2y ago, but it came in a rush and exploded lately….
My suggestion is follow what you want for yourself. Because in the end, human roots are to love themself, meaning that you have to feel comfortable and happy with your partner. If not, it will go nowhere.
I’m going through a very similar situation right now but unfortunately we have a baby that’s about to be born any day now.
I feel you when you say the nights are hard. That’s when I feel the loneliness. I wake up from dreams too and look for my partner just to have the reality flood back into me and hurt all over again.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I really hope things work out for you both. It’s not easy to step away from a relationship when it’s all you’ve know and feels like the only safe place you’ve ever had.
Just want you to know you’re not alone in what you’re going through right now. Sending you healing and hugs
