Frustrated

@Kehau74

Hi there. First I'm so sorry you're going through that :( No one deserves that. So is very understandable how you're frustrated!

My advice in this is you showing that you mean business with drastic measures. I think he isnt taking you seriously. If you notice you repeat yourself over and over each year and he knows nothing will happen, because it doesn't.

So try to show him that you're really disliking this. And after that if he doesn't change, honestly move on darling. We're in 2018, women aren't bound to stay in the kitchen and do laundry all by themselves!

Stand up for yourself and your happiness :)

@Kehau74

You were hoping for a fresh start from a relationship that ended badly, but now find yourself in a situation that you don't find much better than the last. You've given four years of your life to this man and your relationship in hopes that perhaps things would change. They have changed, but not in the way in which you'd hoped they would.

"Prior to us dating I had told him I wanted to be in a relationship where it was equal and not one person doing all the work."

Let's start here. First, you had an agreement on what your terms of the relationship would be if you both chose to be together. This is something that he agreed to abide by, but it appears you now have a breach of contract. These were non-negotiable terms between you when things started. He appears to feel that his responsibilities to this agreement are over since you've picked up the slack in your relationship and are now performing all of the things that he refuses to do. This likely causes you resentment. You've tried to communicate with him about it but he refuses to budge and do his part. In fact, you've told him multiple times but it is obvious that he doesn't take your feelings or words seriously.

In this situation, you're going to have to force your hand. Stop doing things for him, stop doing things that he needs to do, and allow it to pile up. His laziness is only compounded each time you do something that he should be helping you do. This means that each time you give in and do whatever tasks you've needed help with, he feels he gets a free pass and is vindicated to do absolutely nothing. He knows that it's a tension point between you, but he isn't motivated to do anything about it since he feels that you're going to do everything anyway.

You see, there has to be motivation for him to act. If he has zero motivation, expects you to pick up the slack and do it, then he will continue to do nothing at all. Stop enabling his behavior by doing everything for him. You can work out a sheet for chores that each of you share and when they will be done if you wish, but I think first he needs to take the lead for a while since you've been doing everything for four years and perform some of these functions. You can opt to do them together, but understand that doing them together still does not mean you doing the bulk of the work/effort.

You must be firm and stand up for what you believe is right. You are the only one looking out for your own interests in this situation. A relationship should be fair and it hasn't been fair for a long while now. Start the process of reclaiming what is right, just, and fair.

You're not his mother. You're not his maid. Repeat that to yourself in your mind the next time you talk to him about this situation.

It would be ideal for the both of you to visit your doctor to discuss his diabetic condition and how it's impacted your sex life. Porn is only a symptom and wouldn't it be great if that was something you could both enjoy together vs a crutch for a damaged sex life? His doctor may assist with some legitimate ways in which the both of you can reclaim things in the bedroom, but something must be done because the resentment is building and intimacy is lacking which is why the both of you are heading down a point of no return. You're both starting to act and feel like roommates because that is likely what the situation has become. The lack of connection and intimacy is causing a rift between you and it's going to likely kill what you both share and have left in your relationship. Intimacy, sex, and closeness are important things between two people. He needs to also understand that his laziness when it comes to helping around the house is also playing a negative role in the bedroom too because it negatively impacts how you feel about him, about intimacy, and desire. It is often hard to desire someone that you resent. If you're not feeling sexy, appreciated, valued, attractive, and desired then that is a problem that must be addressed.

He is unable to see that you're unhappy perhaps because he wishes to ignore it or he has no idea what to do about it. Men are not mind readers, but it appears to me (based on this posting) that you've tried to explain to him what you're going through but he isn't getting it.

You will need to be more assertive with him, very direct. You'll need to tell him exactly what you want and need. If you both are unable to do this together - find a couples therapist for a short time to help bridge that gap. If things do not improve and as a last resort, you'll have to make the hard choice you made four years ago and leave this situation because your mental health is important. You deserve to be happy in a relationship, remember that.

Loving him is only one key part. Remember that love is a byproduct. In order for love to continue to flourish and thrive it requires a lot of your relationship's moving parts to function such as communication, trust, honesty, friendship, respect, and yes, sexual satisfaction, intimacy and closeness.

I hope that you both find a way to make this work.