HELP
I’m a female 35 year old female who just recently got married in November 2022. My husband and I were friends but I had feelings for him I didn’t know. I propose and he was in a relationship( he never told me about). He knew if he did I was gone like a thief in the night. He still has been communicating with his ex and I have tried to look past it. Beginning part of February, I told him it either his family or the other females. He started leaving the old phone home or in the car. I was like he is really trying but to my surprise the ex had the NEW number. We changed numbers but he still had his old phone number as well. I just discovered like 1 hour ago his ex has his NEW number. I have tried to be a good woman and told him what it is. He can’t seem to leave the single life alone. I don’t believe in throwing in the towel but I real close on doing so. ANY TIPS????
PS I DONT BELIEVE IN PLAYING HIS SAME GAME. I HAVE BEEN LOYAL ALL THIS TIME AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE..
TIA
@goodBirch4199
We can't force commitment or fidelity on someone who doesn't intend to be loyal. We cannot change or control people; with time, we can only do our best to learn/understand more about them from their actions rather than their words. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I have offered counseling but no response. Thank you for your words. I didn’t think about it like you said.
@goodBirch4199
Unfortunately, some people can treat a marriage or a baby as a "traps" to secure a steady relationship which provides a social background to them then doing whatever. It's a horrible situation to find yourself in, particularly as you made it very clear you offered and expected fidelity. He even admitted to intentionally deceiving you into the marriage by with holding pertinent facts which would have caused you to make a different decision. Truly sorry about the mess it is.
The crazy thing was he wanted a relationship since 2021. I did not want one. I had been single for over 3 years so I lived alone with my children. Being alone was normal for me but it wasn’t what I wanted. I could see there were slim pickings for a while but I guess I thought he was going to change or really wanted us. The crazy part is currently he’s not helping with bills because he’s trying to get out of a situation with his work truck. As a wife I’m like I got you. Now I’m just feeling stupid
@goodBirch4199
To look for the best in people and have hope in humanity is not stupid. You were not stupid to trust a man who promised to love and cherish you forever.
You began this marriage in good faith but it seems like he did not. That doesn't necessarily condemn it to a total loss but it just makes it a lot harder to assess his intentions. Luckily, money can be a game changer in assessing intentions of fair investment into the marriage. It really takes both partners to put in effort towards making it work emotionally, physically, mentally, financially too.
Of course, every marriage goes through phases where both partners are not able to contribute equally due to illness, unemployment, etc, however we're talking about a "fair" contribution not an equal one. So if someone does all the dishes, chores, household tasks, child care, etc, that counts as contribution too!
If you were to suggest having a common "household expenses" pot where you both contribute equally from your earnings, and whatever each of you has left over after is yours to keep or spend - how would that go? Have you considered whether he is invested in your happiness and that of your children other than the phone aspect?
I am willing to take any contributions aside from money. At this point, I’m not sure anymore if he is invested. We have a joint account and we spoke about the bills. I have been budgeting before I met him and talked about a plan. I believe in 50/50 or whatever works for us for the household bills. I do not ask for a lot just to be treated right
@goodBirch4199
Yes, that seems responsible and fair to have a planned budget, and if both partners earn in the same range, then 50/50 is also a sensible option. If one earns barely enough to make the 50 and the other earns way beyond, that leaves one scraping through each month and feeling like stuff is unfair. So there needs to be a balance of circumstances to make the maths work within the marriage. That is where "other" contributions can help balance the scales like cooking, cleaning, etc.
Of course, all this is relevant only if he wants to contribute and you're both able to talk about it. Since it is a new marriage, perhaps giving him the benefit of doubt and a gentle conversation might help get the ball rolling. for example - While he has taken some space to "deal with his work stuff" and not contribute to the bills fund, would you be okay with him making up the lack of financial contributions by him taking on the household tasks? As you mentioned, he hasn't moved past the single life, with the added bonus of you now paying everything while he's got the time, energy and space to be contacting an ex. Time and energy are valuable finite resources too, just like money. Perhaps that can be added to the equation in the discussion?
did you ask why he accepted proposal if he was not still dating?
or why he did not tell you about the relationship prior ?
i am genuinely amazed how many people go thru getting married full well knowing they are still shopping.
I can understand the breakdown over time but to go into marriage like that is really misguided........
i wish i could give you more hope but i doubt he is innocent and the ex is just stalking ........ do you feel counseling can solve your issues?
I have asked why and no answer. He told me that he knew if he told me about the relationship that I was going to leave. He was right. We were friends we didn’t have sex or anything. Our relationship was built off of true feelings so I thought. My problem is so have asked to talk about our issues but nothing. For him to give his ex, his new number that’s the sad part. I cut off other men but if he wasn’t serious he should have said something. At this point, I have given chance after chance. He doesn’t know I found out. We have Verizon and it showed me when the first interaction was between the two. All I ever wanted was a man to get honest and treat me right.
@goodBirch4199
I totally hear you it is a double edge sword that phones and electronic give them away,
yet they still deflect...like they can talk their way out of it....... IMO when people do not want to talk about it or say "i don't know" .....it is becuse they cannot think of a reasonable lie....
i know they think that is better for not hurting you but I would prefer ripping off the band aid instead of slowing pulling ......... he gave her the number still wants to communicate and perhaps be with her....
wasted your time and stomped on your feelings for what?
@goodBirch4199 First, I wanted to say congratulations on your recent marriage. It's unfortunate that already so soon in your marriage, you are experiencing a rough patch. The good news is that the two of you can get through it if you both put in the work. Marriage requires work on both parts and is honestly hard at times. I'm sorry to hear that your husband is being unfaithful. Texting and talking to an ex behind your back and betraying your trust is emotional infidelity and it is very hurtful. Have you tried talking to your husband and telling him how you feel? You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have someone faithful to you. I hope your husband is able to change his ways and love you in the way you deserve to be loved. I do have to say I applaud you for not being a person that is quick to kick people to the curb and give up. If you want your marriage, fight for it. Only you know what you are willing to tolerate. Wishing you happiness.