Hopeful return
I was broken up with after a 10 year relationship. There was so much love and affection and we are perfect for each other but the last year was hard because of difficult external circumstances. We both went very internal and struggled with speaking to each other on a deep level, intimacy and finding time to go on dates. We both acknowledged there was a problem eventually and I was willing to put everything in to make it right again but she left.
I didn't contact her for 4 months out of respect for her choices and her space. She eventually started to message me for little chit chat. I requested to meet to catch up as friends and get closure and then backed out once she said yes because of fear. She stopped messaging for a couple of weeks then messaged and asked me to meet her. I agreed. We met and chatted deep, had a laugh and it was lovely. A little spark happened with me and I composed a message to her the next day asking what she thought about going on a date. I deleted the message because I thought it wasn't fair. She called me half an hour later crying and asking if I'd go on a date with her. I was over the moon!
We went on a date. It went really well and there was absolutley a connection like we used to have between both of us. We discussed how we'd approach trying again and agreed with each other. It seemed really healthy and she was definitely into it and she planned to take me to the cinema the next week.
I was so happy for a week. We were messaging and calling and it was all great! But out of the blue she asked to meet again. She said she was confused and that she loves me and wants to be with me but she has a gut feeling that she doesn't like. We discussed. I near enough begged her to really think about it. I told her not to talk to me for a few weeks and that we'll check in then. I find it so unfair that she has dragged me back down to that low point again just because of an impulse emotion but I want her back so bad! I feel disrespected and weak for caving and not telling her to leave me alone for good. I'm in so much pain but I love her and I have no doubt were meant to be together. I'm so confused!
I don't know what I'm asking here... Maybe just a little advice or some similar experiences and outcomes. Am I being an idiot?
@DanH93
Im sorry to hear. That sounds rough :/
I don't have much in the way of advice. But maybe she's scared?
thanks for the empathy @confusedRaven6140
I think she is. I am too! We could spend another 10 years of good times and the same happen again but I'll do everything I can to not let that happen. Can you think of any way I could prove that to her? I understand it's a complex and difficult situation. Any advice is great but even just a response make me feel less alone.
My family know she left obviously but I don't dare tell them she left twice because if she does come back I feel like they'll have a problem with her and worry about me. So it's nice to have an ear.
@DanH93
Did she say what this gut feeling was? If you're comfortable sharing :)
I think it's really hard to say with such long term relationships. I mean there's so much history of good and bad and everything in between. A lot of feelings to be had and she's probably feeling them all. I imagine you both are. I guess some people are better at handling that than others. :/
But it sounds like you two love each other. I hope you manage to work things out in the end. :) Keep us posted :)
@confusedRaven6140 she doesn't know what the feeling is. Which is frustrating. I'm open to working on it knowing it could end in pain again because that's worth it to know if it's right. And I'm sure it will work if we put the effort in.
She said she has feelings for another guy at work. She told me this on the date but she assured me that nothing would come of it and those feelings have gone away. But when she said she was confused she mentioned the guy again.
@DanH93
Hmm, I see. I really don't know. I have no similar experience on which to base this on 😅 I can't really put myself in her shoes. Maybe it just feels... daunting to contemplate the work that it would take. And that's where her gut feeling is coming from.
@confusedRaven6140
That's helpful and youre probably right. At the end of the day, if she isn't as willing as I am to put the work in then her hearts not in it and I can't force it to be. I don't want her if she doesn't want me
In a similar situation i observed only it seems to me sometimes a person unsure of their feelings and or vague about their feeling could be wanting to keep you on the line just in case.....
She left right .....and had time to review and think about what she left for and wants in long run
some leave then if things get difficult for them they like to have a familiar safety person to fall back on...... getting your hopes up only to crush them again
@toughTiger6481
So, thinking about it. When we had the date I told her about the other girls during the split just to make sure we were honest from the start and that's fine because we weren't together and I thought she wasn't coming back. She admitted to having a flirty thing with the guy at work but that he went out with this other girl and upset her and she said there was no chance she would pursue that again. Then when she broke it off the second time she mentioned this guy again. The initial problems started when she started working there.
So everything points to.. her fancying another guy, breaking it off with me, pursuing him, getting shot down, coming back to me, seeing interest from him again and breaking it off with me .. it's nice to feel appreciated and respected and not used
Sorry you are going through this difficult situation! That’s definitely tough.
These are my thoughts:
10 years is a very long time to be in any relationship. Most relationships will experience some hardships in that duration, some moments of doubts.
You mentioned there was some ‘external problem’ where you both had difficulty talking to each other, distance/ lack of intimate time and dates together. Followed by her leaving.
Usually when women experience this dissatisfaction and emotional distance within their relationships, it sometimes leads to them seeking that fulfillment elsewhere. Then you mentioned in the above response that she had spoken about developing feelings for a co-worker. And furthermore when she spoke to you about her ‘gut-feeling’ and her reservations about getting back with you she mentioned again about her feelings for the co-worker.
So if I was to speculate, all of this coming together might lead me to believe that she is in two minds and torn at the moment. On the one hand she does have genuine and sincere affection for you. She has 10 years of good memories and love that she shared with you. At the same time, something has caused her to re- evaluate her future with you. Something has caused her to doubt that you are the right person for her. Perhaps she is wondering if you are the right person that she wants to spend the next 10 years with? It is hard to determine whether her feelings for her co-worker is what caused her to doubt her relationship and future with you? OR maybe he is just a symptom of problems already in your relationship with her, and he is merely someone who was available in the circumstances at a time when she was vulnerable and searching for something that was missing in her life/relationship.
I think while she does have doubts about the future of your relationship together; she is also hesitant to close the door completely on the past decade of her life with you. There is also the possibility that her feelings/ the situation with the co-worker are also uncertain/complicated. Maybe he doesn’t want to commit to her given she’s still working things out with you? Maybe he’s married? Maybe he doesn’t want to be seriously involved with someone he works with? Maybe he’s not ready for a serious relationship and just wants a fling? Whatever the reason she might be hesitant to end her 10 year relationship with you to pursue something with her co-worker that might be uncertain or still developing.
I think it might be beneficial for you to find out more specifically about the nature of these circumstances, about her doubts and where her heart and mind is at. When situations are uncertain there’s all the more reason to think critically, to evaluate the things that we want; and to make sure the things that we want too desperately aren’t obscuring our better judgment.
That’s what I think anyhow. I hope this was helpful somehow ~!
CatsInTheCradle
@CatzInTheCradle
That is really helpful. I want her and I can see why she would feel the need for that over the past year. We've both been in the same situation though.
I think I'm going to meet with her and explain my theory and that her feelings were valid and her actions were understandable. Then let her know that I can still provide that stuff she was missing. If she still wants to see this guy after that then I'll cut it off as painful as it is.
She just finished with me over text saying that she shouldn't have got involved again and that the split is permanent and that she was gonna block me. That's the end of a 10 year relationship people.
@DanH93,
she did reach out for a reason
I'm not saying to cling on to hope, but to keep the door open AND to not wait for her.
Seems to me she is very confused, all her action breathe being confused.
Best to do is radio silence. To not respond. To not reach out. And to keep on moving.
I'm in a similar situation. Let's say we got at a point that too much had happened for my wife, and she saw only one way out
Yet we continued therapy as she wanted to become best friends. I got to a point I didn't see that happening, well, under her conditions, I felt it would be chit chatting. While she didn't want to talk about the past. My anger bouts scared her (she is complicated and has quite a bit of trauma she thought she dealt with by doing all kind of spiritual work). Yet she knows my anger wasn't me. She got emotionally involved with someone else, always denying she did. Denial is one of her trauma related issues too.
Anyway, sent her a farewell letter. She knows how i feel about her, and the feelings on her side are still there too.
I keep radio silence, after a mutual friend said that would be best (she had talked to my wife before).
I am moving on. We love each other on a deep level, the one where you look each other in the eyes and you just both melt and sort of both souls merge in the moment, like, bang
All I can do is nothing, so that's what I do. And yes, if there is a moment to show love and support, I do, not expecting anything in return.
Space and time will tell.
Either your wife reaches out again, or not.
And my wife pulled out of a date too, only to fully withdraw.
Needing space and being alone. Meeting me right now is too much to handle for her. We both know we will meet again one day, in this lifetime, or a next. The connection is too strong, and her fear too big, and, her words, emotionally she is not very strong.
Warmth and love to both of you.