How to ease this pain?

@Maple3700

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. theres a few things I would like to point out;

I have struggled in relationships all my life, (This is a sign you have been unaware of whats going on your unconcious and where does certain issues are coming from) I am 45 and have no family or friends. (Humans are wired for connection and bonding, however i can tell connection and closeness makes you feel as if you could get hurt and abandoned) My partner of 7 years has just had enough and also walking away. (This is definetly going to trigger past hurt and other things that happened in your past) I have very destructive behaviour, I push people away in the belief they don't love me (I don't know exactly what you mean with "destructive behavior", but i feel you could possibly feel not worthy of love, feeling of being abandoned or hurt so this makes you behave in a way where you start to latch on the other person. One thing is often common is that a partner might behave in a certain way which triggers you to feel this way, but it could also be it was just past hurt. Im starting to think he played a role in this like possibly minimizing how you feel, not soothing you or make you feel neglected) and when the do go I pat myself on the back as I was right. This is now left me alone and can't bear my own company. I suffer anxiety, panic attacks and depression. (Its tough going through this at once, because the combiniation out those three things combined can be so overwhelming) It has been a week, I can't eat or sleep and am going to end of ill. (This is definetly separation anxiety, past hurt taking over, and feeling like you would be abandoned completly which it sends chemical throughout your body that makes you restless and with less appetitie to eat) I need to find a strength to fight on and attempt to fix these issues that have plagued my whole life. (One thing to fix those issues is to become aware of what goes inside of you, i think you may have gotten yourself distracted or possibly ignore how you feel) I believe I have so low self esteem, no love or even like for myself. (One of the definition of self esteem is "Assesing ourselves in an accurate and reasonable way with strengths and flaws". I feel you probably have a lot good qualities, but then you focus on the negative aspects which makes you beat yourself up. One of the reasons you grew with low self esteem is because of the way you were treated growing up. I can tell you possibly often felt neglected, down, anxious, scared, not heard and understood, so now this impacted the way you see yourself, those around you and the world)

I was retired from my job last year as I could no longer cope. My partner and I have been in France (from Scotland) for 6 months on a rural house-sit whereby the owners let you stay in their home whilst they are in Spain for the winter. We have 7 weeks still to go as a commitment was made to these really lovely owners and I will honour that. He ended things on Sunday and since then won't speak or look at me, (Going through a breakup is hurtful, but I can tell he is not behaving like an adult. He is stonewalling you and behaving as if you don't exist, which will make you feel as if your existance is threatened and then you will feel disconnected. He comes across to me as childish, and possibly seeking to punish you) leaves the room when I come in. I know I am to blame for destroying what was a potentially wonderful relationship (I feel like growing up people made you believe like it was all of your fault, so now you internalized this as "everything that happened here is my fault". It takes two people to make a relationship, and theres no way its all of your fault. I really feel he played a major role in how things ended, and i think he made you feel neglected, not heard and understood. Theres also a chance he might have blame things on you when at times it was not your fault) and future and I don't really expect much sympathy. But I please need to ease this ache inside, I need to know I can change my life, that I am likeable and loveable and that I will move on to a brighter time. (You can make things better, however it will take going through therapy and learning about attachment style)