Husband had an emotional affair
Two weeks ago my husband passed out on the bed leaving a text conversation between him and another woman open. In the conversation, he made remarks about me and said he loved her and wished he could hold her. I had noticed signs before but I joked about it with him because I never imagined he would do something like this. We have been together over 15 years, and although I have many health problems I thought we were happy. He explained to me that it wasnt real, that he doesnt love her, and it was like a fantasy world where he could comfortably open up to someone because hes not good at it in real life. He explained that although it wasnt my fault, he felt like he was coming home to bad news every day and that I had nothing new to tell him because I wasnt able to experience the a typical day and share new things, that was his initial attraction to speaking to a stranger across the world. I verified that she is from Cambodia, and that they met in a chat on a game app. He said it started a month ago and they never shared sexual content and that it had only escalated within that last week, but I obviously cant be certain of that. One of the worst parts is that he said he would be speaking to her while rubbing my head on the couch, or when we were out with family and friends. We decided immediately that our marriage was important to us and have since been trying to move forward and hes been patient with all my questions and unstable moods. The first week I couldnt eat, throwing up, and experiencing all the stages of grief. The second week has been better and I feel that it actually helped our marriage in some aspects, but then I have these *low* moments. My confidence is at 0% and I feel stuck at home with very little opportunities, and not much of a support system. My husband was the person I went to for these things and I feel betrayed and alone. Any Advice?
@amusingPerson9872
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Two weeks ago my husband passed out on the bed leaving a text conversation between him and another woman open. In the conversation, he made remarks about me and said he loved her and wished he could hold her. (He actually meant everything that was said on this text, this communicates he is not a faithful person) I had noticed signs before but I joked about it with him (You used a joke because you were fearful of using direct communication, so you decided to use indirect communication in hope of finding the truth) because I never imagined he would do something like this. We have been together over 15 years, and although I have many health problems I thought we were happy. He explained to me that it wasnt real, that he doesnt love her, (If that was true how come he actually said to her "I love you" and other things? he is trying to minimize the situation and not accepting responsability for his actions) and it was like a fantasy world where he could comfortably open up to someone because hes not good at it in real life. (This is just a really lame excuse...no one would actually believe these kind of justifications. He is trying to minimize the situation and make himself look as he did nothing wrong. It's worrying the way he lies to get out of certain situation, if he did this once then he will do it again...) He explained that although it wasnt my fault, he felt like he was coming home to bad news every day (He is contradicting himself here, he first said "It wasn't your fault" and then said "i was coming home to bad news everyday", which tells me he actually believe you caused all of this. Things probably were not going well, but it inexcuseable the way he emotionally cheated on you. He is trying to make it look as if everything is your faul and how he is sooo justified..) and that I had nothing new to tell him because I wasnt able to experience the a typical day and share new things, that was his initial attraction to speaking to a stranger across the world. (Look at the bs he is saying...he is practically blaming you, justifying the cheating, not taking any kind of responsabilities, distorting reality and has not even apologized for what he did. He seems like the kind of person who would find someone else if his needs are not met) I verified that she is from Cambodia, and that they met in a chat on a game app. He said it started a month ago and they never shared sexual content and that it had only escalated within that last week (Yeah sure...I wouldn't believe any word he says because he was not honest with you from the start or communicated his concerns to you about the marriage), but I obviously cant be certain of that. One of the worst parts is that he said he would be speaking to her while rubbing my head on the couch, (Is he serious about this? this is insane...so he emotionally cheated on you and now he wants to speak with her while rubbing your head...this is mess up. Your husband is just so carefree about this whole situation, he is not the kind of man you want to have a healthy marriage...) or when we were out with family and friends. We decided immediately that our marriage was important to us and have since been trying to move forward (The doubts, hurt and pain is still there about what he did...when you say "trying", it means things has not gotten resolved but rather pushed to the back of your mind) and hes been patient with all my questions and unstable moods. (The unstable moods is something that will push another person away, this tells me you have anxiety and will often enter emotional meltdown when you perceive abandonment or disconnection) The first week I couldnt eat, throwing up, and experiencing all the stages of grief. (This is separation anxiety, however it is very strong because you experienced a lot of neglect and abandonment growing up, so all of this is triggering your past hurt) The second week has been better and I feel that it actually helped our marriage in some aspects, but then I have these *low* moments. (These are moment where you begin to feel everything is hopeless, is very important to get this checked with a therapist before it gets worst) My confidence is at 0% and I feel stuck at home with very little opportunities, and not much of a support system. (I believe you relied very heavily on him because of your low self esteem, so this will often cause you to be on a mindset of "I need", so you will do and say certain things to make him do what you or pull him closer) My husband was the person I went to for these things and I feel betrayed and alone. Any Advice?
@freshLight64
I'm sorry but I think you're incredibly negative in your reply to this. I don't think it's helpful to the person asking for help, especially in a time when it does seem like they are working on it. It's not right to villify people who are unfaithful. People can become weak, lonely, insecure, there are so many reasons that drive certain behaviors and emotions and it doesn't invalidate what they feel for you and it doesn't mean they're never to be trusted again. It doesn't mean that they're just liars.
I have to come at this from the perspective of someone who has never been unfaithful and recently started developing feelings outside of my relationship that confuses me still and I'm still struggling to figure out what to do. I feel ripped in two. My own relationship has problems, problems I'm tired of feeling responsible for resolving constantly, problems I wish we'd work on together but instead seems like all the weight is on me, and yet I feel empathy that my partner is simply incapable of understanding it and it requires patience and effort and unconditional love. Love that I've been readily giving for years and feeling unappreciated and lambasted over petty details while I've been forgiving and trying so hard to be understanding of my partner's own flaws and problems. Nobody is perfect and we are both stubborn, and I'm simply tired of fighting, but it doesn't mean I don't love him so deeply and can't figure out how to resolve the situation. I know that my own unfaithful feelings come from a place of that exhaustion, I know it's wrong, I know and it's not something I've ever done before and I'm certainly not doing a great job of dealing with it because of that. Because I always thought it would be easy to just say no, to just break up if my feelings are confused, to just keep it clean, but for the first time in my life I'm realizing how complicated it can be, how torn a person can be, how helpless it can feel.
It's simply not fair to suggest that the person is simply dishonest and a liar and you can't trust them. It's just dismissive, and it's not going to help anyone other than your own ego perhaps. I think it's really important to understand what drove the person to be in such a place that they became weak to another person's intimacy. I am still trying to figure it out myself and determine where I should go from here. I feel awful about being dishonest, but I can't make rash decisions without knowing what my intention is first, without knowing what I want first. Right now, I'm just emotionally and mentally so exhausted to figure it out.
I hope, original poster, that you don't take the unfaithfulness personally, even though I know it's in a lot of ways the most personal offense you could possibly take. It shouldn't be about faults. I think the biggest problem in relationships is when you jump to whose fault it is. It's supposed to be the two of you versus the problem, not versus each other. If one of you has the problem, it's both of your responsibilities to resolve and overcome it together. Both people need to work together to face their challenges. Maybe each of you show love differently or tackle problems differently, but ultimately you need to figure out how you can work together, otherwise, the relationship is going to drift further and further apart, just like mine is now. I want so badly to work on these things but I'm so exhausted feeling alone in the battle, being single-handedly blamed, having unproductive fights. But I'm still here because I know that I do have a role to play and I need to do my best to bring us together and if we still can't seem to allign ourselves as a true partnership, I will know for sure it's time to let go.
@keenmelon
I hope you have a good day.
@keenmelon
I agree, its an us problem. I think my frustration and occasional talks about everything is weighing heavily on him. I think Ive been pushing him too hard and Ive noticed him pushing away from me now. Today I said to him I dont want him to feel like hes being punished, and I feel like he gearing up to ask for space. He said hes trying really hard to prevent that because its always been his nature to do that, but hes trying not to. Im so ready to move on and express my forgiveness but Im afraid Ive added to the damage being true to my emotions and pressing him to talk about it all the time. Now I see that he is struggling, and the grief Im feeling is beyond any pain Ive ever had. Im in so much pain and I have no idea what to expect. Since you can relate to him, do you have any advice on how I can ease his mind or what my next step should be?