I am possessive, he is aggressive.
We are/have been together for 2,5 years (and are/were an intercultural couple). We met abroad and spent 4 beautiful and intense months together, after which we decided to try a long-distance relationship. So after 6 months of LD relationship (which was pretty hard for both us), we decided that we want to live together and I had an opportunity to study in his country, so I went there. It's important to mention that during 6 months of LD relationship some of his behavior started to waken up my insecurities, but I never had any evidence and confirmation from his side and he was telling me he is clumsy and everything will be different when I come.
Not long after my arrival in his country, my suspicions were still active so I checked his Fb and saw messages to some girls, inviting them for drinks etc. We had a first major crisis and my possessiveness slowly started to develop, and due to me questioning his behavior, he started to show first signs of aggressivity (hitting the walls).
But the time went on, and mix of happy & sad moments exchanged, until he went for a weekend trip with his friends. After that, I noticed some changes in his behavior but again - didn't have evidence. My fears and insecurities reached a new level, and I started questioning him even more, making drama after I would seen him talking with a girl (accusing him of flirting, etc.). During that period it was the first time he slapped me. Six months after his weekend-trip, I pushed him to tell me the truth and he admitted he cheated on me, and claimed he was too embarassed to tell me before. He begged me to give him another chance as he loves me, and he would never repeat that.
I took some time and decided to give it another try, finally it is the first person I have loved so intensely in a romantic way. After the initial hard effort from his side, he started using his old pattern of behavior, and so did I with my possessive questioning of his intentions, way of thinking, etc. During one fight (which happened when we were pretty drunk), he hit me multiple times and hit my head to the wall. In what I believe is self-defense, I spilled hot soup (which he was eating after hitting me) on him. And even after that, we decided to "fight for our love".
And things went on, happy/drama/sad moments were exchanging, but we promised each other to make an effort and work things out. Last Tuesday I again had some fear-related questions, which made him burts-out in anger and yelling at me that "he is a man, an assehole, who cannot control himself from wanting to sleep with other women, but that is stays only on fantasies and he already told me he would never cheat on me again". In addition, he slapped me and at first didn't want to apologise because it was not hard.
So we again went over it and had few happy days, until Friday. We were going on a party and I caught him in a lie, making him getting angry again, as he started claiming that I am inventing something I know he told me. He stopped the taxi and we were on the street, him ignoring me so I had a childish reaction where I took his bag and started crossing the street and dropping his bag on the middle of road. That made him go crazy and he knocked me on the floor, and soon we were fighting over bag and he was beating me. After he was done, he walked away and went to the party while I went home.
We crossed each other when I was leaving for work in the morning, and according to a friend he tried to contact me but as I have blocked his calls/messages and Fb profile, "he couldn't reach me". I went to a friends place and slept there, and our first communication was today, when I asked him to go to sleep at friends place as I needed to go to the apt. So he did, and he sounded pretty desperate/sad over the phone but didn't ask to meet me or apologized.
My question is: are we both completely messed up, non-functional individuals? Am I stupid for even thinking about maybe getting back again with him and trying to work on both of ourselves? Does and could this relationship even have any kind of a future?
+ Additionally: I have a fear of abandonment due to my father cheating and leaving my mother, and I am oversensitive when it comes to lying and breaking promises as my father has been doing it since the divorce. My boyfriend has a controlling, overly-sensitive, over-carrying mother and is the only child in his family who has been trying to detach from it. Is it possible we have found each other due to a pathology (him being my father, me being his mother), and it could be resolved through our relationship?
I apologize for a long post & would be grateful if someone could help me clean-up my mind a bit.
@Nilah
Hey :)
Reading your post made me think back to the time when I was very insecure with my current boyfriend, then one day I looked at his phone and realized he has cheated with his ex for over months. His reaction was the same as yours, begging and telling me that he loves me, and my reaction was the same as yours: I chose to forgive. Therefore trust me, you are not the only one for believing in second chances. From your description, I can feel your deep love towards this man. You are not wrong for being insecure after knowing he has cheated. Trust me, it's very very normal to constantly question him and interpret other girls as threats. However, from my personal experience, I've learned that if we've decided to forgive, then at the same time we need to let this horrible memory go at some point for you to move on and continue to stay in this relationship.
However, his aggressive action is something that you cannot ignore. His inability to control and manage his anger have already harmed you in many ways (both physically and mentally). It is very courageous for you to request time for both of you to distance yourself and calm down, you should be very proud :)
It's your decision to wanting to stay by his side and support him through this problem his facing (anger management problem) or leave the potential danger and start a new life :) 2.5 years it's a long time. However, if you do decide to stay, please constantly consult with someone for yourself as well as his anger management problems. Although I can't tell you which decision is correct, stay or leave, you should always always value your own safety first before anything else.
Best of luck <3 stay happy
Hello @colourfulBlueberry62, thank you for your answer.
I am afraid I am/was dealing with a bigger issue than aggressivity. At this point, he is showing no empathy, shame or being sorry, not only to me but even to our mutual friends, who said they were shocked by his coldness after the event (where he was violent).
As my self-confidence and self-esteem have been deeply shaken during this relationship, it is hard for me to accept my ex-partner might be having a real issue, and that it actually might not be all my fault, as he told me over the phone yesterday. Hopefully I have family and friends who are by my side, especially my mother who has been in a relationship with a narcissist and is convinced my ex-partner is a narcissist also. I am reading and informing myself a lot about narcissists and narcissistic relationships and I can find common points, which is at the same time terribly frightening but also explains a lot.
I have decided to walk away from this relationship, even though it is like getting off from an addiction but I am keen to fight for myself and save myself, instead of trying to save someone who, I quote his words, is a poison that is slowly killing me.
Thank you for kind words and support, I wish you all the best!
@Nilah
Hey there, I would like to first say thank you for sharing what you are going through, I would like to point out a few things;
Not long after my arrival in his country, my suspicions were still active so I checked his Fb and saw messages to some girls, inviting them for drinks etc. (This tells me theres some sort of fear of loss, fear of abandonment, primal panic, anxiety and being hyper vigilant of reasons or situation that someone may leave you, so you begin to check things to soothe those fears and anxiety, but also to find out what he is up to, now what he did was rude and disrespectful, specially when he was with you.) We had a first major crisis and my possessiveness slowly started to develop, and due to me questioning his behavior, he started to show first signs of aggressivity (hitting the walls), (This comes from fear of abandonment, but your worries and questioning behavior is normal because of what you saw on those messages, its hard feeling safe and comfortable after what you saw in those messages, which its understandable, but he lost emotional self control, he sounds passive-agressive, not a good communicator, and cant handle things on a mature and adult way).
After that, I noticed some changes in his behavior but again. (This could be anxiety, or it could be fear, or it could be that he stopped being the guy he used to be, but also women are a lot intuitive when it comes to feeling these things). My fears and insecurities reached a new level, and I started questioning him even more, making drama after I would seen him talking with a girl (accusing him of flirting, etc.). (You are definetly going through a lot of anxiety and insecurities, fear of abandonment, feeling like you could be replace, but theres a chance you behave this way because of how he has been showing up and the fb messages). During that period it was the first time he slapped me.(This is totally unacceptable, this tells me he has zero emotional self control, you should not be with someone like this, he has tons of issues). I pushed him to tell me the truth and he admitted he cheated on me. (This person doesn't have intengrity, he doesn't value loyalty, he will do this again).
finally it is the first person I have loved so intensely in a romantic way. (In here you are ignoring the red flag he has shown thus far, its as if the romantic part overshadow everything, when the negatives actually overshadow the negatives..) After the initial hard effort from his side, he started using his old pattern of behavior, and so did I with my possessive questioning of his intentions, way of thinking, (In here he got very complacent, he stopped putting an effort, he was not giving you a 100%, so it made you feel he didn't care, but also it made you question on an effort to pull him closer to you, to get that closeness back).
Last Tuesday I again had some fear-related questions, which made him burts-out in anger and yelling at me that "he is a man, an assehole, who cannot control himself from wanting to sleep with other women, but that is stays only on fantasies and he already told me he would never cheat on me again" (In here you were looking for reassurance, to feel protected and loved, all he needed to do was reassurace on a playful and fun way and things would have gotten back to normal, but no he lost emotional self control, tried to justify himself, acting all macho, making excuses of why he should want to sleep with woman, i bet this part here ended in some sort of bad argument/fight). In addition, he slapped me and at first didn't want to apologise because it was not hard. (He does this again...didn't apologize...this is unacceptable behavior....)
He stopped the taxi and we were on the street, him ignoring me so I had a childish reaction where I took his bag and started crossing the street and dropping his bag on the middle of road. That made him go crazy and he knocked me on the floor, and soon we were fighting over bag and he was beating me. (This relationship is way too toxic and unhealthy...not only he has hit you twice, but not took it far this time around...it's impossible to have something healthy and loving with him).
I will be very honest with you, this relationship you have with him is too toxic and unhealthy. He has hit you twice, beat you up, cheated on you thats enough reason for you to never comeback to him. This relationship doesn't have a future because of the deep issues he has, he is not dating or marriage material.
Hello @freshLight64, thank you for your time and observations and advice.
In several parts you pointed out my anxiety, fear of abandonment & being replaced, which I can confirm - these are the traits I have. By reflecting on my previous relationships, I have realised I carried them in myself (in much smaller extent than in this relationship) and now I am wondering do I have borderline PD. I have decided to take an appointment with a therapist to check this out.
Furthermore, I have realised this relationship is highly toxic and damaging, and I have to move away from it asap. I am afraid he might be a narcissist and, as said before, I might be borderline. Even though I am aware of it most of the time, I still struggle and have moments when I feel sorry for him and would like to help him. I have read somewhere that 90-100% of physically abusive people have some sort of personality disorder, however, he is running away from his responsibilities and says I am the one who has awakened the aggressivity in him.
Again, thank you for your comments, I highly appreciate them. I wish you a nice day.