I don’t know how to leave
so me and my fiancé have been together just under 4.5 years. We are due to get married in October next year! However, we have a big problem of a third in our relationship…alcohol. He drinks a lot, to the point he gets violent (breaking doors or furniture), he screams and makes up situations that haven’t happened or shouts at me for things I haven’t said. He’ll gaslight me and even lie to my face telling me he hasn’t drank as a bottle of vodka is sat beside him and it’s blatantly obvious he has been drinking. This has gone on for years but he keeps telling me he’ll get better then he does for enough time for me to let my guard down.
It’s gotten so bad my neighbours have threatened to call the police and our landlord to have us evicted! I suffer severe anxiety and I know I can’t do this anymore. I love him but I’m trauma bonded and I know I’m not happy.
Now I know I’ve shouted back, but nothing like this and I know I’m no angel. But I can’t do it anymore.
Background, we live together in a private let and we only share our cat. I don’t know what to do, I think I want to leave but I can’t? I’ve only ever ended one relationship when I was 14, I’m now 26. Please help :-(
Strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. I suggest telling him that either he stops drinking (and consider finding a help or at least brutally limit it to a minimum), or you are breaking up with him. His behaviour is not acceptable. Life is not about what you deserve, but about what you negotiate. And if he doesn't do anything to make things better, i would break up with him. You deserve better behaviour towards you. Either he will behave as he "should", or you are going to find someone better.
I have given him that choice before and he chooses drink then when I go to leave he somehow manages to convince me he’s changed. I just feel so weak.
Seems like you gave him a choice, he chose to drink and still got you in his life. That sounds like he actually might know that you are just bluffing. I get that it must be very hard. On the other hand, maybe some simple answers on four questions might help (just my opinion): why do you feel so weak to leave him? What are the consequences of not leaving him that might happen in the future? What can you "win" by leaving him? What will you lose? Hope this helps at least to realize something that will motivate you make the right choice.
Honey, I have been with two addicts (one drugs, one alcohol), married to one of them. Unfortunately, their relationship with their drug of choice was always more important than their relationship with me. An addict will not get sober or stay sober unless they want to for themselves. Six failed attempts at rehab (because I insisted) showed me the proof of that statement.
My husband was also prone to violence, screaming, demeaning, spent the majority of his money supporting his habits, abused our dog, gaslighted, blamed me for his actions, and either neglected his 8yr old son (previous relationship) or made his son ride with him to go get drugs because I wouldn't go with him anymore. When his son told me that he "had to wake Daddy up at all the stop signs on the way home" is when I realized that NOTHING in this world is more important to him, that I had to get out, and I contacted the maternal grandparents to try to get the boy to safety.
It took weeks to get him out of the house I was paying for. He would cry and scream about "how could you do this to me?" never understanding that it was what he was doing to himself.
I wish there was a happy ending to my story, but there isn't. My husband overdosed at his new girlfriend's apartment a few months later and died. Thankfully, his son was with his mother that night. That poor boy received his dad's ashes for his ninth birthday and he spent a long time in therapy.
Yes, leaving is hard and scary and you feel like you're abandoning someone you care about. But an addict doesn't care about you, they don't even care about themselves. I still lost my house and a lot of other things I had been working towards for six years but I survived.
Do you want to see how much worse it can get before if gets better? You are stronger than you know and you will get through it. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Hugs and hope.
Oh my heart. I am so sorry you went through all of that and that poor boy 😞.
I'm starting to see how little care there really is. I offer severe anxiety, I’ve just woke up and I feel sick and shaky (that’s everyday for me and has been my whole life). I feel like I’m ready but I’m scared he’ll either get violent again towards me (hasn’t in a year!) or the house or he’ll somehow try guilt me into staying. I just think I’m really weak and broken and although I know it’s the best thing I can’t find my strength if that makes sense?
People tell me “you’ll know and feel when it’s time” but I don’t ever truely feel that.
@LittleMe96
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. This must be so hard for you and it sounds to me like you are conflicted about what to do. Its not an easy choice to leave, when you love someone. It's someone you care about and you have invested into this relationship.
The trauma bond you talk about, I've been there and oh wow it's for real. When you are together with someone having an addiction, it can become a very codependent relationship.
I can't tell you what to do, that is not my place and it wouldn't benefit you.
When we make big decisions, it's a normal process to go back and forth. Sounds like you have already gathered the strenght a few times to break free and leave him but felt persuaded to stay. I know what that is like, for sure. It has to be such a disappointment for you to see him go back to old behaviours and not hold his promises.
I think you are a lot stronger than you believe. And very brave for sharing this with us. Thank you for that. 💕
If you would like to chat about this I'm here and you are very welcome to send me a message.
@LittleMae96
You need to get out of there immediately, this is abuse and it is not safe for you to be there anymore. I’m sorry I understand and have been there, you think you love him but he is not showing you love back. Do you have friends or family you can go stay with? I’m hoping you have somewhere to go so it makes him understand you are serious and done with this abuse. Cancel the wedding this is not someone you want to be married to. He needs to change and that is not your responsibility at all. I’m sorry if this seems harsh I know this is not an easy situation, but you have to get out of there. Sending good vibes your way💕