Is my poly relationship unhealthy for me?
Hello
I am dating 2 girls in a poly relationship. I have been dating one of the girls(A) for over 3 years. The other girl(B) we started dating 4 months ago.
There were issues more or less from the get go when we introduced the new girl. Now the fault shouldnt necessarily be put on girl B and my relationship with girl A had many underlying issues to begin with. Honestly our relationship before poly was complex and with a new person it has become a mouthful to even get into the meat of all our issues. I am not going to explain everything that has happened but as a result I have been dragged through more stress and pain than I have ever before endured.
I should mention at this point that i am generally mentally healthy but the two other girls struggle with many mental issues ranging from ptsd, abuse, gender dysphoria, BPD, chronic depression, anxiety and maybe more. In some ways i am their "daddy" since i am the one who's meant to "keep my shit together" and take care of things when things go south.
Anyway, the issue i wanted to discuss today was that I feel jealous (at least that's what I think it is). It has become clear from quite early on that girl B and A have become more into each other than they are into me. Knowing that they are each other's number 1 and i am their number 2, the fact that the person i love the most doesn't love me the most. I know that some poly people will tell you that you are not meant to create a hierarchy and compare like that. There shouldn't be any ranking, but reality is that they love each other more than me.
I can't quite explain it but i just simply can't handle it and it has been causing me to develop a pattern of panic attacks. The panic attacks aren't as bad as they used to be but they are happening 65% of days so far (yes i am keeping track somewhat).
Of course i should not be in a relationship that causes me to get panic attacks. I have various paths infront of me but the main two are learn to live with being number 2 or break everything up and restart half my life. Both of those options seems quite crappy. I do really love them and they are very loving to me. It is mainly that being second that causes me so much stress. I might not be right for poly relationships also.
I ran out of steam to write more so if you feel interested then we can message.
Thank you for reading.
:)
@chriscatboy
Thank you so much for sharing, I am sure a lot of people can relate to you.
Thank you ❣️
@chriscatboy
Man, poly relationships are tricky by nature... But do you feel pretty strongly for just one or both of them?
I don't know enough details here, but maybe it's a communication issue more than anything? You make it sound like they don't really understand what you're going through, which could be that they're too interested in each other... or, it could be that they are still totally interested in including you more, individually or as a group, and you just haven't spoken up enough yet.
Sometimes structure is better in these things, sometimes taking space or letting go of the stress and situation.
Anyway, that's just my immediate thoughts, but I'm here for ya. I don't think that a lot of people can even begin to know how to help with a poly situation beyond a certain point. I don't have much experience with it either, but I at least get the jealousy part.
Hi thank you for your response.
Poly relationships most definitely are tricky. Yes we have tried talking a lot. We have done a lot of that. A lot of it ineffective but some of it was effective. We have come ways forward and gotten past various issues and the issue with me having anxiety attacks is the main lingering issue as of right now. I think we have come to a point of understanding but not knowing what to do with the knowledge. They both really want to resolve this issue and they try and make me feel not left out and to not trigger me.
About space or stress, i am not sure what you mean but we all live together in an apartment and it's not possible to avoid each other. I play video games alone to get space though.
Trying to explain the dynamics and details of this relationship in a way that isn't too convoluted is hard. However I can say that I still love them both but right now i feel more strongly towards girl B. My jealousy is also a lot more tied to her.
Now we have discussed that "you might just be in honeymoon phase and your feelings will change". However at this point the honeymoon theory is falling flat. Now i might still be having new relationship feelings for girl B (after 4 months) but that still doesn't explain or resolve the overall issue (being second).
Another thing to explain is that I think my feelings for girl A deteriorated over time due to various fights and just generally stressful and unhealthy behavior. I have built up so many unresolved issues with girl A that i have tried to resolve but fail to do so. Girl B having dated Girl A has by now experienced some of the unhealthy behavior herself which causes drama, hence it isn't just me who has issues with such behavior. Anyway not trying to bad talk girl A, my point was that it lead to me having an aversion towards her, particularly regarding emotional sensitive stuff for me.
Girl A was the one who intiated the relationship with girl B and turned it into a poly relationship (i didn't even want it at first). Experiencing more of girl B I ended up getting a romantic and sexual interest in her. I became basically obsessed with her partly because new love but also because she was able to provide the emotional support that i had been missing from girl A. I thought she might be able to meet the needs that had been not meet with girl A. Such as being able to talk about my feelings and resolve them. In a way that was a mistake, because the more i became into her the more troubled i became as I slowly realized that she didn't have the same interest in me. Things have improved since then and she is a lot more intimate with me now. Despite the situation having improved it hasn't gone away.
Sorry for the super long response...
Another topic that i haven't discussed but is also very relevant is sexuality and degrees of sexual attraction.
Thank you for reading ☺️
@chriscatboy
Heh, complex indeed. Its good that it's worked in some ways. I guess the most important thing is that everyone's needs are met.
Which I think kinda makes it depend partly on A's issues. I mean, would you like to invest more time and effort on fixing what's come up with her? And is B still really into her or running into the same problems ultimately? And if you could choose, would you rather stay with both of them or just the one? And then the sexual stuff you didn't mention yet, I know that's an important factor too.
I mean, I'm asking, but I think those are some of the big picture thoughts also. There's a lot of emotional risk going into these things, but I hope it's stayed mostly resentment free thus far. I think you'd eventually need to be calm with all of it to make it work with all three of you, and the video game time alone can definitely help, but I can kinda understand a lot of the stress and jealousy.
Thank you for your response 😊
Yes it is complex and we have maybe only discussed 10% of what there is to say about my relationship and us as people. So much has happened between me and girl A. Some events being mildly traumatic.
I have for 3 years putting in effort and enduring issues with her because i love her and because i believe in her. I have to admit that my faith in her has deteriorated by this point but on the other hand shes finally going to school and might soon get a job (something she has been unable to do for the past 3 years).
This kinda touches on the financial aspect of all this too.. i won't get into it much but the two girls (since dating me) have always been financial ly dependent on me. The entire 3 years dating girl A she did not have an income and i was just a student. Currently we aren't doing so well because my new job isn't paying what i had hoped, but that another topic.
Girl B has had thought s of breaking up with girl A, so did I. She felt that Girl A was simply too toxic especially with the lying. Anyway girl A has genuinely improved since that incident and the two are ok with each other, although girl A still has issues. They love each other as much as they always have.
Now about the break up talk, I did actually decide to break up with them on august 12th which was one of the hardest things i ever did. It was a really intense day involving serious freakout and suicidal tendencies from both girls. Yes i know it's toxic that i am having to deal with them wanting to commit suxcide over a breakup. Being suxcidal is kind of part of their lives so it is not a shock to me that i am having to deal with that.
It was an oddly sobering experience being broken up. However I just couldn't see how the break up would work out. They can't afford to leave my apartment and i can't afford a big apartment on my own. So we decided to stay together until we were in a financial situation to actually break up. Looking at things today we are back together and not planning on breaking up.
To answer your question about poly stuff. I did propose to just date girl B however it would never realistically work out. Girl A is too dependent on me and girl B and girl B would never leave A. I also still love girl A but not sure if I am staying with her because of sunken cost.
I probably am just more suited for a mono relationship and has always been girl A who has wanted it, i just went a long with it. Actually this touches on one point of unhealthy unacceptable behavior of girl A. She basically said to me out of the blue that she was going to date girl B after our second "date" with her. We were in an open relationship at the time so we sometimes did stuff with others, although always fully informed and consentual. However to me girl B was just one more friend we were sexual with at times. Girl A after 3 years of dating me said she was going to date the other girl and she did not care whether i was ok with it or not. Basically twisting my hand into accepting it becoming a poly relationship.
I had a friend tell me rather unsympathetically that " it is my fault for not breaking up with girl A then and there. She is poly and has that need." Yes sure let me just simply do that on a whim.... That friend was poly too and i think sometimes poly people get too self righteous and think others just need to accept their poly needs.
It only worked out because i ended up liking girl B.
Ok i have already written a lot so il keep the sexuality thing short. I am not as sexually into girl A but i am very sexually into girl B (to the point where it changed my entire perspective of sex for me). Girl A and B are sexually into me (a male), girl A is equally into me as B, while B is more into girls hence less into me. It is an akward dynamic I know.
Again thank you for reading my really long response ❤️
@chriscatboy I am sorry you are struggling in your relationship. What is making you think that your partner A doesn't love you as much? Maybe you could talk to them about love languages and things like that or that you want to spend more quality time with them or something. I feel it's fair to ask for them to be honest if their feelings have changed. You definitely deserve to be with somebody who is into you and wants to be with you, especially as it sounds like you've invested a lot of energy and emotions into this. You deserve to spend time with people who value you, whether that's one person or more than one person. :)
Thank you ☺️
We have talked about love languages and such, for example B likes quality time the most. I like words of affirmation and physical touch the most, A is quality time and physical.
I know A loves me a lot and is equally sexually into me. However she's more romantically compatible with B right now. That might change if i was just more in love with A i guess...
B loves and appreciates me a lot however sexually she more into women and that does just naturally cause you to form stronger bonds with women (an assumption but one we have discussed and found to be true). She also just generally has some trauma and prejudice associated with men. She says she is overcoming these slowly. She also has BPD which causes her to form this intense obsession with one person, what they call "favorite person" and girl A is that for her. We also think girl A has BPD and has FPd girl B.
I do receive love and appreciation from them and in a good amount, but it is just certain things that freak me out (jealousy).
💜
@chriscatboy
no experience in poly but I was divorced once to my partner of 20+ years. Ten years on, remarried and life is great.
Story here is that being unhappy for fear of the unknown is not a trade off I am willing to make any more. Still afraid of the unknown though.
All the best,
the turtle
You are right, I know that selfishly in the long term I could totally be better of if i broke up this mess and started over. However doing that is an extremely painful process. Breaking up with someone you still love is devastating as i have already experienced. Also we are all struggling financially and the actual break up is akward due to it.
I can't see myself dating anyone else right now and i told the girls that if we did break up i would probably just run for the nearest girl that reminded me of them.
Thank you 🫂
@chriscatboy
After looking at your reply to me and these others, the new stuff brought up makes it way more complex, but it's good to hear how things are working well also. This seems like a really good situation if you can make it work and truly fit into it. I gotta give you congrats, because it seems like you invest a lot and own the responsibilities... Most people couldn't make it this far. Don't ever let it make you feel stuck. You genuinely seem like a good guy, and that goes a long way. I think it's best to question what can get better and how, and I hope I'm not far from the mark.
Thank you torean for being such a good listener and thank you for your kind words. 🫂
I do really want to make this work, there are so many great things about the relationship. There are also quite a few troublesome things. Some of them can and have been mostly overcome with effort, other things i feel less hopeful for. I don't want to lie to myself and not see that certain things aren't ok and that they will be very hard to change.
Anyway i am gonna keep trucking 🚛 on in this relationship and see what happens.