I want to start again
It all started a year ago, I felt the spark of a man’s eye when I was in driving school. I took his number and we began to text, he was 5 years older than me, days later I told him that I LOVED him, he was then scared of me and then after months of being indifferent he sent a message telling me that he wants me out of his life.
to reflect on what I did, it was a huge mistake, I confused a passing crush with love, he was mature enough to not fall for it and I was extremely immature and grew out of it.
months later, he called me back out of the blue and wanted me to hung out with him, I felt weird but went with the flow. I was partially mature to not be too attached but still believed I still love him. I was extremely possessive and didn’t want him to go out with his friends and seek vulnerability from him. Trying to make him fill my emptiness inside of me, I was getting in and out of the relationship, I still wasn’t his gf and he told me he was emotionally unavailable, things then went to being friends with benefits, he would sometimes tell me that he love me and would initiate calls and texts. But again I wanted him to make me his gf so badly so I told him u either make me or I’m leaving
and this is where the ENLIGHTENMENT came, I’ve hurt him so badly with my attachment issues. Our relationship now is extremely cold and I’m having a distance, to be selfless and to respect his space and POV of me, I didn’t love him back then and it was pure toxicity but I was too immature to notice. Im not going to lie I still feel love, lust, attachment and infatuated towards him but the percentages vary now, having a distance with him made me reflect on my mistakes and what do I want in a relationship and made me grow maturely and be accountable for my own void inside for me to be able to fill not my people but by me. He made me feel more independent and more balanced, I’m not afraid of losing him anymore but I wish I could start again with him with zero expectations and let things grow naturally. But I broke his trust and I don’t wanna start again unless I know that I won’t hurt him. This distance is creating a sense of empathy towards him and I started to respect him more. I’m being a more independent unique version of myself every single day but still I want us to grow together, how can I know if I love him? My perspective toward him changed after I “had the enlightenment “ I know I can’t control things now but I want to start again, maturely, now that I am fixing myself every single day to be the best version of my self and not to have attachment issues. How can I start again with him?
As you mentioned, you met him a year ago in driving school. You felt the spark of his eyes. 👀 So you started staying I touch and confused a passing crush with love and conveyed it which then scared him and months later he sent you a message saying he wants you out of his life. That sure wasn't an easy experience from your side and I understand that. I want to let you know that it's okay to make mistakes. What matters is that you identified it and reflected! I'm so proud of you for that! 🤍😊
So he randomly called you months later and said he wanted to hang out. You were partially mature this time but still believed that you loved him and were very possessive, I see. You were trying to fill your void by him. I guess many of us have been there, including me. You were getting in and out of the relationship but nothing was official yet and eventually you developed an FWB relationship. I get what you said. He'd tell you he loved you at times and initiate interactions but you really wanted him to make you his gf. I can see where you're coming from. It was really valid of you to tell him to either make you his gf or leave. That requires courage, especially when you have any sort of attachment with the person. I understand it. (:
And this is where came the enlightenment. It's cognitive of you to finally realise if you had hurt him with your attachment issues. That sure wasn't easy for you to come in terms with and accept. You still have feelings for him but you're keeping a distance and your relationship has become cold. I'm sorry to hear that. It must be really challenging. ):
It does look like having distance from him has helped you introspect and grow which is great! 😊I'm happy that you now know better what you want, have become matured, have learned to fill the void inside of you by yourself, feel more independent and balanced. I'm glad to know you're becoming more empathetic towards him and becoming more responsible. These are really great achievements!☺
I really understand that though you're not afraid of losing him anymore you wish you could have another chance at it and you want to grow him. 💜 I can't tell you how to know if you love him but It's okay to want that. It may not be easy from the side of either of you but if you really want it, consider trying to start over.
I fetched this for you https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/13081/how-to-start-over-in-a-relationship/
If you'd like to work on your attachment issues further, visit https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/ by taking the quiz, you can understand your attachment issues better and I *think* (can't remember, sorry. 🥲) they email you links to videos on how to work towards a healthier attachment style along with the quiz report. 😊
Sending you so much love and my best wishes and prayers! 💜🌸