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Keep thinking about ex

User Profile: diligentWater5720
diligentWater5720 February 22nd

Me and my ex broke up few months ago and we were in probably around 1 year of relationship. In that one year, we made so many memories, video calls, texting everyday and fell in love with each other. But he was an avoidant and never really communicated properly when it came to arguments or even emotional maturity. I know that I want to move on and I definitely see change in that compared to like first month of breakup but I always keep bringing myself back into thinking about him, and keep on reimagining scheneiojs with him like a time when wed remever again somehow even tho ought it seems impossible considering we’re in different universities and live way farther away from each other. I also know I wanna meet new people but it also doesn’t feel fair knowing thoughts about my ex keep coming back to me. I feel so conflicted a lot of the times because I gave in so much into that relationship, only to realize he always only thought about himself and be selfish and so I ended up getting hurt a lot too but I also can’t seem to dislike the idea of being with him. I keep holding onto some strand thinking he’d come back one day but he never checked on me despite knowing how broken I was and other aspects of my life brought me down too during that time. It hurt to know that he took the breakup more seriously than the actual relationship and despite coming to a lot of reflection and realizations about this, I still let him enter my thoughts pretty much every single day. I truly just want to move on and stop thinking about him. I hate how I end up loving people so deeply and can’t easily just let go off this because at the end of the day, i am the one who gets hurt the most. I wish it was just as easy for me to get rid of him like how he became pretty much a stranger to me once we broke up. It felt like talking to a different person and I also hate myself for trying to be with him till the end hoping he’d fight for me and want me just as much as I wanted him. He said I was too good for me and I deserved better yet he never tried to his best for me and made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I still sometimes think and regret that maybe I should’ve done some things differently. It was all just a lie, kept giving me false hope. I keep thinking that maybe I was used and I hate myself for it. It was my first relationship but on positive note, I’ll know better next time. For now, I just wanna get rid of him from my thoughts so I can finally feel like the best version of myself. 

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User Profile: CalmRosebud
CalmRosebud February 22nd

@diligentWater5720

It is incredibly brave of you to articulate these feelings, and even more impressive that you can already see a shift in yourself since that first month. That progress is real, even if it feels slow. What you are going through—holding onto a "phantom" version of someone who didn't show up for you—is a very common, painful part of the healing process, especially with your first relationship.
Here is an encouraging perspective to help you move forward:
You Deserve Someone Who Fights For You
You mentioned you kept trying to be with him until the end, hoping he would fight for you. Your desire for love and commitment is not a weakness; it is a strength. The pain you feel is the result of putting that beautiful capacity for love into a container that was too small (and too avoidant) to hold it. You were not "too much" for him; he was simply incapable of giving what you deserved.
Letting Go is Not a Dislike
You said you "can’t seem to dislike the idea of being with him." You don't have to hate him to let him go. Letting go doesn't mean you have to forget the good times. It just means accepting that the reality of the relationship (the coldness, the avoidance, the lack of support) outweighed the memories. You are not letting go of a loving partner; you are letting go of the hope that he would turn into one.
Reclaim Your Power
He took the breakup more seriously than the relationship? Let that be your fuel. An avoidant's cold, instant, "stranger-like" behavior after a breakup is not a reflection of your worth—it is a trauma-based defense mechanism they use to feel safe. It’s a "phantom" they created to avoid emotion.
  • Actionable Idea: The next time a memory comes, intentionally pair it with the memory of him not checking on you when you were broken. That is the reality.
You Are Not "Used"—You are Learning
This was your first relationship, and you are gaining invaluable experience. You now know exactly what an avoidant, selfish partner looks like. You are not "starting over"; you are starting with experience. The next person will get a version of you that knows her worth.
A Message for Today and some ideas to pick and choose from:
  • Give yourself grace: It is okay to feel sad, angry, and conflicted all at once. Healing isn't a straight line.
  • Stop the mental, and physical, contact: The "no-contact" rule is not to punish him, but to protect your heart. Every time you check his social media or reminisce, you are rebuilding a bridge you need to burn.
  • Focus on you: You said you want to feel like the best version of yourself. Take all that love, care, and energy you wasted on him and invest it back into yourself.
You are strong, you are learning, and you are worthy of a love that is safe, consistent, and mutual. This phase is temporary. You will wake up one day and realize he isn't the first thing you think about. Keep going—you are closer to freedom than you think.

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