LDR ONLINE BREAKUP

@BigFoodforSmallMouths

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like point out;

We had issues because of that. He became anxious about it, he was too worried I would believe them. I was also confused and we would argue. I became paranoid every time different dummy accounts would send DMs. (This sounds like smear campaigns that are meant to sabotage the relationship you had with him, so this shows his ex had some serious issues to go this far) It stressed me out. (It's normal you felt stressed, its quite tiring what she did)We were able to fix it but then the fear and the anxieties lingered. January 2019 he decided to break up with me. He said he wanted to fix himself. (This is typically an excuse) We didnt talk for a month and during our breakup we had another argument. (What was the argument about?) I was trying to win him back but it ended to a heated conversation. (I could understand why you were trying to win him back, however it should had been him winning you back because of the way he ended things. I feel like you were trying too hard to earn someone who walked away) So I decided to let go. Month later, he came back and asked for another shot. (This is where things are not okay, so he ended things to "fix himself", left and then wants another shot right away?. I wouldn't take a person like this back unless they prove me through their actions they will stick around. If you give him chances so fast then he will do this again because he knows he can get you back anytime) were happy again. After another month, he decided to leave. (He is showing zero consideration for how you feel and how this impacts you) He said the pressure of the LDR is stressing him out and he wanted to fix himself, lose weight, go back to work, etc. (This is all excuses he is telling you to justify his actions...if he wanted to "fix himself" he would have gotten a therapist and a psychologist. He probably can't handle closeness and distance, so this is an attachment trauma he has) So I let go but it hurt so much. Five days later, he came back and we fixed our relationship. (He is being selfish at the moment...he can pretty much end a relationship and then wants it back on his terms without thinking how this impact you. He has shown zero empathy, understanding and consideration for your feelings) I thought we were okay (You have this need to feel loved, connected, validated and accepted, so you keep taking him back this easily. I also think you might not want to be lonely, and also your attachment system is being overly activated by his inconsistency because this looks very similar to how you were treated) because we were happy and he promised to stay with me no matter what. (People like him never follow through with their actions, their words never match their actions. They say these things when they feel separation anxiety and when they want get you back, but when they feel the closeness is where they have zero empathy and consideration) After another month, he left. (He is coming and go as pleases because you are letting him do this. I understand it can be so hard to say no to him because of how the past hurt, attachment trauma and eagerness take over but this guy only cares about himself) He got depressed and wanted self-improvement. (Typical excuse) So I let go. Told him Id leave for good but he said he doesnt want me to leave his life permanently. (In other words "I don't want to be too close to you, but i don't want you too distant for me in case i might need you". He is not being an adult, and only caring about how he feels. He leaves, and then says sweet words to reel you in and then he leaves again) I hoped hed change his heart. We would talk almost every day and hes sweet. (He is sweet when its convinient for him, and inconsiderate when he feels the closenss) We talked again about his plans and our relationship and we argued. He said he wont come back to me anymore (this is what he would tell me every time we break up). After a couple of minutes we forgave each other (You "forgave" on order to keep him in your life, it was not a genuine "forgave".) and he promised not to leave me. (These are lies) He wanted us to stay close forever because hes very comfortable with me and Im the closest person to him. (At this point the only thing he cares is about himself and what gets out of this. He is not putting importance to how you feel, notice how its all about him and then he leaves) Lately, he would schedule calls and we would talk for hours. He even said that he loves me and would text me with heart emojis. (I wouldn't believe any of this...) Told him I really need to leave but he wouldnt allow me. We would talk almost every day and he wouldnt want to talk about our relationship status but every time he calls we would reminisce about the past.

He said he may seem distant but if I need him, I should text him asap and hell be there. (I wouldn't do any of reaching out first with a person like this...)

Now, its been 3 days since we last talked. He didnt contact anymore. Im confused and I dont know what to do. (You can't have this kind of person in your life because his actions are telling you how selfish he is) I dont want to do the first move. Sometimes I want to just give up on us and move on like leave permanently, (This is the best decision to make) but I still want to be there for him. (This communiates this to me "It's okay that he leaves whenever he wants, ends the relationships when he wants, and comes back whenever he wants, but I still want to be there for him". You are allowing all of this to feel loved, connected and valued, but this tends to encourage his behavior. The most important thing here is self respect because he can't do healthy relationship, and you don't deserve the toxic cycles he puts you through. It's so important to value and love yourself, there's no need to allow this person to come back whenever he pleases)

@BigFoodforSmallMouths I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. I'm replying because my situation is very similar to yours. I'm 27 and I was in a ldr for almost a year. We just recently broke up a couple days ago because in his words, "the distance is just too stressful and there's too much arguing", which is very true. It has become more of a task than a relationship. We have been on & off a lot just like you & your bf. Almost every week we were threatening eachother to break up due to trust issues & lack of communication. So I can honestly say I truly understand what you're feeling & going through. It's not easy to stay & it's not easy to leave. I believe if it's true love & you're meant to be together, you will be. But sometimes the timing is just wrong. Either way, don't forget your worth! You deserve someone who is SURE of what they want. I'm currently going no contact & just giving him space. I know I need it as well. Please know you're not alone in what you're going through! :)