LDR end for good??
HiNew to 7 cups simply for some HELP. In need of other opinions so I know it's not completely biased like my family or friends. My now as of two weeks ago ex were together for 3 years. We met in nursing school. We graduated together. As we started looking for our first "real" jobs as nurses he decided to look out of state. We discussed moving to another state for a nurse residency program- a good option for new nurses.
He found one he liked! And applied! And didn't tell me until a few weeks after the fact... He also told me that he didn't want me to go with him, like we had originally been talking. Totally crushed, I tried to understand why I had scared him off, his only answer was that it just wasn't something he really wanted at the time. So he got the job, he moved, and immediately regretted telling me he didn't want me there. He had a horrible first few months on his own. But at the same time I was glad he was finally doing something on his own, without his parents holding his hand. Our relationship was fine for a while but then it started to get very difficult. We started to fight a LOT. I was feeling unappreciated and like he was putting in zero effort to be a boyfriend (I know hard to with the distance but like it changed). He was feeling like I always nagged him about not doing/saying the right thing. It basically got to the point over the past year where he feels he can do nothing right and so has admitted to not putting effort into the relationship.
He finally started making some friends these past few months that happen to be all girls. Not my favorite thing but I'm not really the jealous type. Until he started going on ski trips with these girls without telling me where they were going or even who he was with or really anything about them. I know if I went skiing with 5 guys he'd have an issue...
My last visit to see him we got in huge fight over his phone. I needed to borrow his, mine had died, and he got automatically defensive when I asked if I could use it. He was sitting right next to me. He had never acted that way before... One of the worst fights we've had. He never let me see his phone.
So it finally got to the point where 2 weeks ago when he was visiting, we talked about what we were going to do. How there hasn't been any talk of a future and it's bothering me. October his 2 year contract will be up and he could come home but all the sudden he sounded uninterested to do so. When we started talking he feared that our relationship wouldn't be able to recover. That at this point he feels so not good for me, and I feel like I'm too needy too much for him, so we ended it.
Two days after he left he sent me ticket information how he was going to come in April and in May because he can't do this and wants to show me that we can make it work, that he can't lose me...
We start talking on and off but I tell him we need our space, I agreed to dinner when he gets here in April and then tried to stop talking with him. Well three days ago he was on my doorstep unannounced. He wanted to show me how much he misses me, told me how badly he's messed up in letting me feel like I'm not being treated right, how he'll pay for me to move there with him, how he wants to be with me more than anything and is ready to move our relationship forward. Completely shocked me.
We proceeded to have two amazing days together before he left, so loving, exactly how I've missed it being, and I was basically ignoring the conversation we needed to have. But I stood my ground and told him that I still need my space and absolutely no talking this time until I reach out to him first. And since he's been gone he's stuck to it.
I just am so torn between moving out there, giving this one more shot, trying "real life" together or just not even bothering. I think even if it didn't work out it still would be a good job experience for me.... But there's also this part of me that is hesitant. It makes me feel like he's still being self centered making me pick up my whole life to be with him there instead of him coming back here. I am so completely confused on what to do, how conflicted I feel, and what to do about it.
I love him, he's a great guy, but I don't know if he will change like he says. He is my best friend though and I am missing him horribly. It's hard to picture me being with anyone but him. People don't change though right... I seriously thought I was going to marry him.
Lmh18
*hugs*
Long distance relationships are hard to navigate, and it's only made harder when one or both parties start to not communicate.
I'm proud of you for sticking to your boundaries and asking for some space. Getting some space allows you to evaluate what you're looking for in a relationship and if the current on-again-off-again relationship is worth giving one more shot.
Here's my thoughts on what's happened so far:
When relationships get too close, one of the things some people do is they purposely create space in order to get away from that discomfort. School and work are two really good ways to come up with an excuse that doesn't make you the bad one (ex "It's not my fault. My boss just transferred me to this other city!"
It sounds like he really enjoyed this new-found freedom until he got there and then realized that it was a lot more difficult than he initially thought. That stress, plus work, and everything else, created more tensions between you two. You felt like he was too preoccupied with his own things and not paying enough attention to you or the relationship, and he felt like you weren't supporting him enough while he has to deal with so much on his own.
After a while, he started making friends and started hanging out with these new friends (who are all girls) and doesn't hell you about them. The phone situation concerns me because he may be flirting or becoming more than friendly with these new friends :\ It's sometimes easier to flirt when you're in a relationship because you know you have a backup so if you fail, no worries.
After breaking up, he realizes that he misses the relationship and comes running back, realizing that he didn't actually want to end things. It's pretty normal right after a breakup to miss the other person and want things to go back to the way it was. Change is scary, even if what you had before wasn't that great, it's comfortable because it's familiar.
I don't have an answer for you whether or not to give this one more shot.
However! I can say this - if you do choose to try one last time, it's helpful to be very intentional about the relationship. Whatever was wrong before needs to be consciously addressed and both of you need to be committed to fixing those problems. Without that intentionality, the relationship will likely go back to the way it was, with the fighting and hot and cold dynamics. I don't think that's something that you want.
I'm here for you though!! <3 Best best best of luck in whatever path you decide to take, and if you ever need to vent, you're always welcome to send me a message or tag me in a forum post :)
@AdVictoriam thank you so much for this response. It was so nice to hear another opinion that isn't simply "oh just be done with it already". I will let you know how it goes, just trying to really figure out my feelings, if I honestly think it's fixable. I feel like I've never NOT had a gut feeling about something like this so it is incredibly confusing at the moment... Thank you again for the support! <3
