Leaving a relationship and move back home
My current boyfriend and I have been dating since January of 2018. We live together currently as well. I live on the east coast and my family is back home in the west. I had moved to the east coast because my ex husband was in the military, this was back in 2012. After my divorce I stayed here because I had a great community of friends, a decent job, and I was in my last year of my college program and doing my internship. I met my boyfriend when I had a full year left of college. We got to know each other, and had a great time. At the time I thought I could stay here and this could work out for me. But over the last 2.5 years of the 3.5 year relationship, things have been concerning of me with some toxic traits he has and non-consideration he has. The number one problem is he has always made an excuse for us not to go and see my family for the holidays (I have not been with them for the holidays for 10 years). I have been afraid to go myself because at the begining of our relationship I did take a trip to see my parents and close friends back home and he had a very hard time being seperated from me to the point where I felt I needed to attend his emotional needs during my trip and could not fully enjoy myself. I have not left to go by myself. He makes his family more important than mine to always spend the holidays with them which has hurt me inside. I miss my family dearly and I would like to be able to see my family at anytime. I think about things that are important to me and what I would like such as being able to live within driving range of family. It can be hard to take time off and split between his family and mine since I have to fly so far and I don't have much vacation in the first place. His family goes on many vacations during the year and tons of family events. I do adore them, don't get me wrong, but I miss my family and my parents are only getting older and I think about regretitng not being able to spend more time with them. I think I am headed down a different path now. I know he doesn't want to move away from his family and I wouldn't want to take him away from his anyways but I don't think I can compromise to see my family only once a year since this will be the 4th holiday season that we have to spend it with his family. He has not even made any effort to make it so we visit my family not even once a year. Now I am to a point over the excuses he gives me. It is not his fault I am so far from my family but he seems to have no interest in his actions to invest in my world. I feel I only live in his world. Is it a bad thing to leave someone you are with to go back and be with your family?
@alexandria90
Hey hey <3 simple answer, no, it isn’t
it is your and only your decision, choosing for yourself and what you think is the best thing to do for your life “isn’t a bad thing”
what matters is for you to be able to feel that you are at the right place and with right people cause it’s your life, cause before being responsible for him or his feelings (or anyone else’s), you are responsible for yourself and your feelings, let alone the fact that if a relationship or a situation is making you feel burnt out, you are probably doing no favor to the other side of that relationship by staying in the exact same situation either
I understand how it could feel stuck and perhaps draining and frustrating, with you being so far away from your loved ones, I understand why getting to be with them on holdiays and trips to your hometown is important to you, and having him so attached to you for you to give up travelling there alone and still putting his family in priority for visiting together wouldn’t be any fun, regardless of who they are and you like them or not.. I get you on fear of losing chances to be with your loved ones..
Not only on this issue but generally in your relationship and in your life, you have every right to have your needs met as much as his, you deserve having him listen and make the effort to keep you both happy and personal priorities of each of you equally important, you deserve having a close relationship with others but still getting time to focus on yourself as an individual and enjoy “me time” without needing to focus on others’ needs sometimes
tho, don’t get me wrong, I’m not encouraging you to leave him, I’m just encouraging you to let yourself be free to explore and understand all your thoughts and feelings, and to act on them if that is what you need in this stage of your life
to think if there are some problems in your relationship and with your partner that are making you feel unheard/ burnt out or dissatisfied with situation of your life and relationship (like the fact he will not agree to spending more time with your family for example)
or is it the relationship itself or really major and unchangeable issues in it that is making you feel that way??
if it is the first and you like your relationship generally, do you think those issues can be resolved in anyway?? Communication can go long way but do you think he would want to put effort into solving issues that hurt you and changing it from you living in his world to the two of you living a shared world which belongs to both of you and helps you meet your needs equally?? Could perhaps professional help and counseling help you guys resolve it??