Long distance Breakup

@thewander

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My boyfriend decided to leave for a while because he was not sure of how we are going to work out in long term, and he was confused about certain things, like how he couldn't compromise in visiting back and fourth because of college (but of course to me i understand him if he needed to save money - so it sound like an excuse), and how he thinks i was unhappy with him. (This communicates that he has been acting unsure, not knowing how things will go). I told him he could have his space and go figure out things for himself and we decided on that. (I like you response to him, this communicates that you understand whats going on. Your response to him is on a non attach way, thinking about him). Then after a few days later, he told me that he want to be with me again since i said that i was happy with him. (The fact you were able to say "Oh okay well you could have your space to figure things out" it triggered separation anxiety inside of him, he felt fearful so it prompt him to want you even more even though he was confused).Though he did say that he does not believe in long term, and that this is only for the sake of being happy - which doesn't seem right to me. (You are right, it doesn't seem right, basically he is staying so he wouldn't have to go through all the hurt, anxiety, loneliness etc). Also, not believing in long term basically mean i am not sure if he is willing to put effort in our relationship or will it be more of me doing all the work, and that thought will be stuck in my mind so in the end, we were friends for some reason. (You are right, the fact he doesn't believe in long term causes to doubt whether or not he will put effort to make this long term relationship work from far away) He called me every 2-3 days, and every time i hear his voice or texts, it hurts me a bit inside, especially when he was being somewhat flirty, and reminding me of the past and saying he loves me even though he know he shouldn't say it. (He is feeling fearful and insecure here, basically he is calling you every 2-3 days, send you text or voice because he fears that he might never hear from you again, it causes him uncertainty, so he thinks the best way to gain certainty that he will hear from you is to contact you). I realized i needed to fully heal so i told him i cannot be friends for now, maybe in the future but i need time coping with my feelings and he do too, so we should not talk. (You did good here, you were feeling hurt and it was hard to be friends with him so you decided space on order for you to heal). He agreed but it was 3 days until he started texting me, saying he miss me and updating me his life until when i realized, he is starting to text me so casually just updating me about his life from now, plus other things that reminded him of me (and he told me i don't have to response if i don't want to). (In here he first agreed, but then again his fear of loss, fear that he might never hear from you again, separation anxiety is taking over him so it makes him messages to gain certainty. He is mostly focus on reducing his anxiety to the point he is not listening to what you want. He is updating you about his life and other things to pull you closer to him). After that, i told him to stop and reminded him of what we discussed before - not contacting for a while because we can't be friends right now. (You did good here, you were firm and told about what you two discussed here) This time, he responded saying he want me back, not friends and has been texting me every other day. (In here his fears, anxiety are taking over him completly to the point he is looking to soothe his own anxiety, so it makes him act on selfish ways because he is not thinking about what you want). He said he want me back and miss me so much and that he want to visit my country next summer before his college and he want me to be with him. After i didn't answer his text for 2 days (I don't blame you for doing this, you have been firm about things, but he is not listening)., he texted me using other apps that we are using together, fb, instagram - saying basically the same thing which is please look at his texts and consider because he miss me and love me so much and he want me back as a girlfriend. (Now this is pretty much high anxiety and insecurities taking over him, this is stalker behavior, not accepting no for an answer, acting on ways to soothe his own anxiety, trying to force a reply from you. All of this basically pushes you away and causes you feel unsure about him) To be honest, it has been a total of 13 days since we last talk and i am still not sure how i feel about this idea of getting back together. (It's understandable after the things he has say and done lately). We didn't end due to argument, and it was never bad in the begining anyway. There were nothing too intense about our breakup because we talk about it and agreed. I still love him and miss him very much even though i haven't shown him any of my vulnerable side through out the breakup and i have just been cold and trying to accept the situation and move on as fast as i can. (You are trying to heal and protecting your heart, this is understandable). I feel like he is being selfish because he has not think about my feelings and only think of himself and his benefit. (This is true, he does have high anxiety, so people with high anxiety tend to think more about soothing their own anxiety, getting closeness back than what the other person wants or feels. His body is on melt down, not knowing how to soothe himself). I seriously don't know what to do. It has been 3 days since i haven't responded to him and it feels like i am ignoring him. But i know that if i say something, he will just go on and text me and i will never be able to heal. (Well you warned him twice about this and he didn't listen to what you said, so i don't blame you for not responding to his messages). I want to get back with him and it's killing me to resist the temptation to text him back but at the same time i know that it might be too soon for us. (That's true, i do feel he needs to work on himself, because the behaviors he has display will actually push you away and cause you to be unsure, not feel comfortable and safe). I feel like he is lonely and is not thinking straight and still unsure about what he wants? I don't want to get hurt again... (He probably does love you, but his fears, anxiety, insecurities are completly taking over him). What should i do? (Well obviously you want to heal first from what you shared on this thread, perhaps thats what you should work on until he works on himself and knows what he wants?)

Without tryng to sound like i am against long distance relationship, you have to consider that people need each other 's proximity to grow together .There are many reasons why people stay together for a very long time just to breakup in a couple years, but one of them is because they dont want their hearts broken. The way i see it it is better to do it sooner, rather then get ure heart broken in little drops, over a long time. people leading completely separate lives get different friends, different goals, different a lot of things, and they begin to change separately, and very often, not in the same direction. there is such a thing as true love and people do make it. But if you are just concerned about leaving what you thought was a safe relationship, and being on youre own, it is ok to start over and maybe meet someone that is a better match. you seem insecure about where things are headed, and if you get back together, well, nothing exactly has been fixed, you have to confront the same problem as before.

@thewandery

Hey there! I agree with freshLight. I think his insecurities are eating him up and he's not trying hard enough to fight against them. He's letting his insecurities win and it's turning your relationship into an overwhelming chaos. I think you could give him a bit space for now, then try to discuss the matter urgently with him. Good luck!

@thewander

Hey there :)

It sounds like you are quite confused as to what you want now. He's constantly shifting his thought of being together or not, and it's definitely affecting you. You did the right thing by telling him that you can't be friends with him until you both have fully moved on. Indeed, you really wanted him back before, but right now it's clear that you are already slowly moving on. The thing is, indeed maybe he really does want you back and misses you a lot, but has the problem that caused the breakup been resolved? No. You guys didn't end because of arguments or unloyalty or anything. Long distance was the obstacle he didn't have confidence in over passing, therefore he wanted to end, and you guys did end until now that he realizes that he misses you.

Ask yourself what you really want. Maybe you still miss him and love him, but is it worth going through all of that process of moving on again? If your answer at the end is that you want to be with him, then before you do so, you should ask him whether he's willing to put in efforts into managing this long distance relationship. It doesn't always have to be him visiting you, you can go visit him as well. He needs to let you know that he is willing to confront the very obstacle that ended your relationship in the first place before you guys get back together. Or else, this would just be a cycle that repeats.

You shouldn't feel bad if you want to leave him. Just tell him that it's really not happening and you need time alone to move on from the relationship. Cut his hope clean for the good of both of you.

I am sorry for what you are going through