Long distance relationship - is it really a temporary break or did he just ease me into a breakup?

@PurpleGh0st I know how you feel. Except the relationship I had we lived in the same city. He would sometimes not answer for weeks at a time (including me knocking on his apartment door). He said he loved me and didn't want anyone else. Whenever we were together, he treated very well and was always respectful. I found that he really just wasn't right or ready for a relationship. Letting go was incredibly painful but so worth it for me. I met someone else who had lots of his own issues but gave his all for a relationship. It's not easy because both of us are struggling with depression but it's nothing like agony I had with my ghosting ex. If you feel like moving on would be better for you, I'd say go for it. Hope this helps a little.

@PurpleGh0st

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

I began talking to a very lovely man over a year ago through a music website. Things progressed and we started to share feelings. We decided to start a relationship after about five months of talking even though we hadn't met because meeting was going to be impossible for a very long time (we live in different countries, which is unfortunate, but we concluded I would move to his country). (I could see you two developed some sort of connection and bond, however starting a relationship and talking about moving to his country were just too soon at the time.) We were committed and wanted to work on meeting, then if that went well, we planned to close the distance.

As time progressed I was hearing more and more about his depression and conversations were being swayed away from meeting. (This does sort of tells me that you felt anxious about you two not meeting up, so it probably made you ask him frequently, and then he felt trapped or smothered. The depression is something that would affect any kind of relationship, it can be quite draining and enduring, so his behavior would appear distant and cold at the time, which will trigger the anxiety) He was on medication before we started the relationship and it seemed to be working. Gradually things changed and last month he told me he felt extreme negative emotions and couldn't get them out of his mind. (I believe he felt smothered and scared with the closeness this relationship brought, and didn't know how to properly express what went inside of him) He became very defensive which led to arguments, and one which was particularly heated. (I believe you might have brought a certain situation or sharing how you feel, which made him tried to push things under the rug or perhaps not acknowledging how you feel and then it leads to disconnection where both sides were constantly triggering one another. I do believe he shouldn't have used defensiveness because it will not make you feel heard and understood) Some time after this (but not directly after the argument), he went onto cut contact with me, (I don't think he really attached to you here) leaving me to call and message him over and over with no response. (Your anxiety became high here, it triggered your old childhood wounds and fear of abandonment which made you become self-absorbed to the point you were mostly focus on reducing your own anxiety without paying attention that he wasn't responding. These kind of behaviors will actually smothered him, and then he will begin to sabotage the relationship to gain space) Eventually when I got through to him he finally said he could no longer be in a relationship at that time (two weeks ago now) because he was unstable. (This is one of the reasons, but also because he felt trapped and couldn't handle the closeness) We sort of, but not concretely, settled on a break and a time frame of around one month. He didn't actually agree on the time frame; it was me who made the suggestion to which he replied that he thought it would be a good idea to take some time to sort ourselves out. (You felt like you could lose and that he would never return, so you brought up the one month time frame to be in control of the uncertainty of whether he would want to comeback or not) He said the following things:

He does want to be with me. (This is just confusing...if so he would have stay in the relationship at the time)

He doesn't think he's fit to be in a relationship right now (two weeks ago). (The depression can be draining and tough, however another reason is afraid of closeness and feeling smothered)

That he's not breaking up with me forever and that he loves me. (This is similar to putting you in backup, so you wouldn't find someone else while waiting for him)

I'm the only person he wants to be with.(This is very confusing...if that were true he wouldn't have breakup)

He doesn't want to break up with me at all, but he's not in a good state to be in a relationship because he's not stable enough.

He promises that I'm the only one for him.

That it's not a break up. (It was a breakup...)

That he doesn't want me to have expectations of him being a good boyfriend at the moment because it's not possible. (He was feeling smothered and trapped here)

He doesn't mind if I message him but he doesn't want me to worry if he doesn't reply for a while. He said he'll still get my messages. (I could be wrong, but this tells me it bothered you when he did this which then lead you to bring this up and then it pushed him away)

He doesn't want to see other people. (He was being selfish here...He breakup with you but doesn't want you to see other people...He obviously wanted you to wait for him...)

He loves me very much and he promises not to hurt himself.

Because I've been in a highly manipulative and abusive relationship before where I lived with the abuser, I've noticed that the insecurities I was left with are surfacing in this situation. (This is transferring, where you are transfering past experiences and hurt into a new relationship). I'm struggling a lot because seeing as we didn't get a chance to meet yet, I'm actually questioning whether his words are sincere. (His words at the time were very confusing with mixed signals, so its understandable how you feel) I'm afraid he will never contact me again and he just didn't have the heart to tell me it was over. What I'd like help with is understanding whether it's more likely to be relationship withdrawal relating to depression or if he just doesn't want to be with me, or care about me. (He obviously care about you at the time, however they are issues he was dealing with, and then the arguments)

I'm reviving this thread again. I'm confused. He started messaging me again at the very end of August last year and kept doing so throughout September, (He had his space, started to miss you and then he started to reach out) October and even asked to start planning to meet each other, (This was a good sign) but he disappeared again on the 24th November after I said to him I needed someone to talk to because I didn't feel too well that week. (I could be wrong here, but he probably didn't want to talk with you, so then you brought up the "I didn't feel too well that well" to get a response and to force the reconnection to happen. You got to be careful with expressing a lot what you are going through or bringing the idea of seeing each other too much because it's going to push him away) I haven't had any contact with him since that day because he won't reply to any of my messages or e-mails, (You are doing the same things you did a year ago. You felt tremendous anxiety and fear of abandonment, so it lead you to become self-absorbed and then you kept messaging to soothe your own anxiety) however I asked someone else to ask him if he was okay, (This was a bad idea because its something that could upset him) and he replied that he hadn't been very well, but he was getting better. He replies to other people, just not me. (This is because you keep messaging him without getting response, so it makes him feel trapped and smothered, so then he begins to ignore you to create space away from you. His actions communicated that he wanted to be alone, but you kept messaging him and then it leads him to ignore you. You shouldn't keep messaging someone who is ignoring you...they will lose respect for you and they will back away from you) Could anyone help me to see what's going on here? Is this the silent treatment or some kind of discard? (Neither...he felt smothered and trapped, you kept messaging him to force a reconnection with him and then it pushed him away because you kept messaging him)