Lost in my relationship
Hi everyone this is my first time posting anything like this, but I've read a lot of your posts and resonated with so many I thought I would make my own...
Me and my bf have been together for almost 5 years now, hes never cheated, hurt me physically or emotionally, never wronged me etc... hes such a lovely man, and he loves me so much. Hes caring and thoughtful, he loves my family and they love him, hes not a party person, he'd much rather stay home or focus on his hobbies/pick up extra work or spend time with me etc. Literally he's great. He's made me happy this whole time, my anxious attachment - gone. I trust him fully. Hes the best thing thats ever happened to me.
But for a couple years now I've had this niggling gut feeling that this isn't right. Certain things happen, disagreements, misalignments.. he't not really emotionally matre and doesn't like deep conversations where as I'm a deep and curious person and I want to talk ab out things and life.. I've also been through therapy and I'm constantly trying to better myself mentally, emotionally, physically, I'm trying to be more positive because I had a darker past.... he's not interested in self improvement, and is a really negative person. He blames his mum and his upbringing, as his family are really negative.. but theres a point where you need to take control of that and heal yourself? I want to be more social and go out and do fun things, and he is so hard to get out of the house for social things.. a few other things too, I won't list them all.
I've been on and off thinking of ending things for over a year now... its just the thought of hurting him absolutely kills me. It breaks my heart knowing this will destroy him. But where one side of me - the settled, calm, more sensible side of me - is comfortable and could quite easily carry on with blinkers on and a 'this is fine' kinda attitude, the other part of me who craves passion and adventure and excitement and experiencing life while I'm young and I still can... she's felt muffled and dulled for a long time. and I feel like I'm losing her..
Has anyone had an experience like this? Where theres nothing WRONG thats happened but you just have a gut feeling like you're in the wrong place? I've been ignoring it for so long I don't know what to do
@SimplyShan
I feel many can not only understand but are at that crossroads also.
i look at you post and see how you feel lost. It comes to a point in life when even someone whom checks off all the right boxes...... if the connection is fading and they refuse to grow or change with us ..... we can pretend all is well and grow bitter or make a change. your friends and family may not understand but they do not have to live each day with it.
I never understood this until the last few years .... I used to think stay. no matter what..... so many think it is heroic to stay and that all relationships/ marriages go thru this. If this is true i feel so sorry for all those who fake smile and put up with it. what a lonely sad way to live.
Outside people see the person fits all these other categories .......................not seeing how the way i feel on inside was slowly dying. I am gone inside........ nothing my partner can do ..to bring my respect or feelings back
. we spoke so many times........... now that he saw.........I am gone.
He is trying everything to appease. too little too late ........... sadly I am going along with his efforts but even a day or 2 of good things............. one comment / one miscommunication I am right back heading out the door ... we cannot change them only ourselves and when we do that we see we cannot accept their flaws.
@SimplyShan
Technically speaking, there is a theory about both friendships and relationships which claims that people meet each other when their growth curves cross or stay aligned.
What you experience may look like a classical "therapy trap"—when one person is seeing a therapist, becoming more aware of their emotions, goals and needs, and starts to grow personally faster than the other one—who still remains where they used to be.
Usually this is the female part of the relationship who is skyrocketing in growth because usually women are more open-minded to talk about and confront their feelings.
It might be easier when both people come to a therapy. Then, they may just keep meeting each other on higher levels, growing together and self-reflecting together. Or... they might realise they are chasing different rainbows.
Some people deliberately choose to partially "downgrade" to stay with their partners. It can work especially when your therapy goes from the initial boost (there might be some excitement and new discoveries in the first weeks or months) to the more balanced phase.
Or...
I am not any person of professional authority but this is the way how I see it...