Lost mom
I am 31 years old.
I got married when I was 20years old. When I got married I was pregnant and lost my babies due to stress during my pregnancy. Fast forward to 2024 I have 2 kids and a husband.
I have been through heaven and *** with my husband. When we first got married, he cheated on me PLENTY of times. Back then, I would be so angry at him fooling around. He broke my heart so many times. (Why did I stay with him all this time?) I never really could answer that question myself.
Now being in my 30s when I stress about life and marriage, I look back into my life and I wish I had done things a lot differently. When I get pulled back into my reality I just trained myself to "suck it up" and deal with life and the curve balls it throws me. I have a 6yr old daughter and 7yr old son. When I look at them, I tell myself I would never want my daughter to end up like me.....Feeling stuck.
Now a days, when my husband and I argue he always brings up old stories and past problems like things HE could never let go from the past and blame me for every fault or bad thing that happens to him as of today. I am not a perfect person or wife but I know when to apologize for my wrongs. Now a days when I apologize, he gets louder, angrier where he wants to go back to the "old him" where he lashes out and breaks things around our home and yells loud to where the kids are screaming and crying and the neighbors are calling the police. He has come a long way from "Those" days BUT he still has that side in him that he forgets everything and just rages out.
I want to separate. I want to talk to other people because I hate feeling like this or having our make-up talks because it always just feels like a band-aid had been placed on it until the next time. Like it always feels like it is just a temporary fix and never fully healing with him. When I want to separate, he always assumes I want to be with someone else. I am not sure what to do..... Divorce? Separate? I have never been the one to believe in Divorce. I guess I am just lost.
xoxo lost mom
@SamoanGirl541
I think many women have had similar thoughts .... of if we could go back what would we do different.... we feel stuck and not sure how or why we stayed. work on yourself look deep and be honest with yourself.
Most people going through this the talks/ arguments resort to past issues. He most likely thinks there must be someone else cause "how could it be him he is perfect right?" Easier to blame then face your insecurities.
how you feel is something only you knows and it does not matter if it is rational
@toughTiger6481
Thank you!
I think I have healed so much that I have been more honest with myself from becoming a mom on what I really want in life and WHO I want in my life. I guess I feel bad because when I got married, my husband inspired me more than anyone. Now a days I have been feeling my motivation and inspiration in my kids and making me feel young and wanting to try many things. Being with my husband and how he is now... It just brings down the mood. Sometimes I feel like he feels the same way as well like we both feel trapped and have that big "WHAT IF" question in the back of our minds.
Deep down inside if I'm being honest, I want to be sperated and see what I can do solo. But still being a good friend and co parent with my husband but then I feel guilty.
