Marriage/Depression/Disassociation

Hi It is definately difficult for you..but why dont you sit and talk.. just tell her what you feel ..like you mentioned the dog thing ..tell her she maybe upset at first but she is your wife she loves you she would understand.

I've dealt with this type of behavior before too. When I would bring up anything I was met with anger and defensiveness. The best thing I did in that situation was calmly explain that I want to explain my feelings and to please not feel personally attacked, but I've observed x,yandz, has made me feel xyandz. I want us both to solve these feelings. I don't want to turn it into an argument or point any fingers, but you're my partner and that means something and is so important to me. Brushing you off and being dismissive of your feelings is extremely hurtful and I really feel for you.

This behavior sounds familiar. She may have some mental illness, hoarding or control issues. Does she control the finances? Why does she have so many animals? Just an animal lover? Or does she have hoarding tenendices and not able to care for them properly? What about individual therapy for herself? In the end, you decide how much you can handle. You have 2 obligations—one to your wife and one to yourself. Your wife’s behavior is unhealthy, and is now severely affecting your mental health. At this point I think you should shift your focus from what you don’t have control over (your wife and her issues) and what you do have control over (yourself). Maybe getting some therapy or support for yourself will help ease your suicidal thoughts. If they don’t get better, consider if you need to distance yourself from your wife because what’s worse—leaving your wife, or losing your own?? Sending wishes for hope and strength to you.

Thanks guys. I've tried just talking and not being emotional or intense about it. It doesn't work. And it seems like when she wants to "have a talk" then we definitely have a talk. If I go the route of "if she loves me then she'll understand, or if you love me you'd listen" I feel like I'm being a narcissist, which I'm not sure that I'm not a narcissist, somewhat. Its like, either be quiet and let her do stuff how she wants or say something, anything and be the asshole, which is what led to me to disassociate and become apathetic in the first place. There have been times she has clearly gaslighted me, I recognized it on the spot, and either called her out on it, or just ignored it and wouldn't respond. She used the "there you go with those made up big words, I guess I'm stupid" sort of response. Feels like a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.

She may have issues of her own. Hoarding, possible adhd or ASD. Idk. She handles the bills because I'm at work, it's just easier time-wise for her to take care of it on my payday. I've offered to do it, but that was a clusterfuck. I find myself doing midlife crisis stuff. But trying to take care of myself more. Getting fragrance samples, colognes, to try new stuff. I bought a skateboard to try a new hobby, to challenge myself, and for fitness. I ride a bicycle everyday to and from work (only a mile). But I'm really insecure about if I smell like dogs all the time so maybe that's it.

Sorry I keep re-reading your guys' stuff and thinking of something new. I was on Prozac for over a year for ADHD and learned some coping mechanisms that work well. I've been off for a year because I felt like I was taking it for her, and to deal with my surroundings that I feel are caused by her decisions. I stopped taking it because I don't want to medicate just to deal with someone else's shit.

My husband is like your wife. Everything has to be a fight and god forbid if you have feelings like a normal human. We are “fighting”now because he doesn’t understand why I got mad over him asking me if I was thirsty and offered a drink I said yes too and then said you don’t need it while driving pass it

@JPavesatanas

I'm sorry to hear things have gotten to this point. Why do you feel you "owe" her tolerance of this behaviour?

@JPavesatanas

If you're both agreed that any neutral party would say "it's her fault", why the confusion?

Sometimes, it's important to prioritize and respect your own boundaries. That leads the way to others respecting them too. I think our self help guide on boundaries might be useful to you.

https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/

I came here because I worry that you’re my husband. And that I don’t know what he’s thinking and I’m scared that every comment he makes about something is him being disgruntled so I stress about him having to do something even though I need his help. He refuses any thought or idea of therapy though, while I keep looking for ways to help myself. He’s also been making other changes that are great, but his energy seems to be what ignites mine- and so conversations when he’s frustrated with something trying to explain what he wants done while he’s trustee about it are hard. But there are times when I will say I’ve got something on my plate that I’m working on, and he will get annoyed by it before I can do anything- which then turns into him trying to fix it- which bad ones frustrating because I had an intention/plan and he’s now taken over bs asking how he can help with it. Most of the time I try to breath a through the moments because I know he wants to help and I’m trying. To let him, but since he’s so disconnected (because of schedule, not totally by choice) he doesn’t take into account all the details needed over stupid things... which really, don’t need to be taken in account because I’m the one obsessing over it and not able to complete the task. I’m very adhd, and have bee suffering from an extraordinary amount of anxiety lately. I’m scared I’m going to make my husband resent me. I don’t know what advice to give you, but I’m sorry you two aren’t finding a way to communicate that works right now. It does sound like she might need some help but until she’s willing, that’s hard.