Marriage has turned into a nightmare

@beetlebug123

Maybe go to counselling on your own...work on what's going on with you and when your strong enough then make a decision about this relationship and to seek to repair the ones with your friends...

@beetlebug123

Hey there, hopefully things are going well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

I am Paul, 37 year old from Toronto originally from India. New to this website and any kind of therapy/help request. My marriage is not going great despite both of us trying from last 5 years. (It sounds like the issue might be on the unconcious, each other issues being triggered or something else than the surface level things). We met about 6 years ago and hit off instantly. We had a great rapport and loved each other's company. For months, I was driving 4 hours to meet my wife on the weekends for a coffee as she was studying in a different city. However, we never talked about our past relationships. (This is not a requirement unless one of those partners had STD of the sort in my opinion. If you want to talk about it with your partner then fine, if not it should be fine as well since its the past). I did share with her that I had a past marriage but it had ended 6 years before we met. But after marriage, my wife seemed to become more insecure about my past marriage to a point that she said that she is not able to cope up wth the fact that I had been in a relationship and had physical relationship with another woman. (This is definetly a very insecure women you are dating, she is not able to fully comprehend that the other women its your past, and whats important is that you are with her in the present. She feels rejected that you were not her first relationship, marriage and perhaps sexual partner).

I also realized after our marriage that she does not have any real close friends and also does not get along great with her relatives except her parents and brother. (This is one of the red flags, if the person has a healthy relationship with their family or not, if they do then it's easier for those people to have healthier relationships, if not then this is where some or a lot of problems will rise in their relationships. The family, specially parents are the blueprint for love, something must had happened between theem). And they are all nice folks. She started having issues with my friends as well to a point where my friends stopped visting me and only time I would interact with them was on the phone or if I went to see them. (What happened here? did she started to have problems with your friends to the point they didn't want to be close to her? if so then thats no cool). She also was struggling to get a job and blamed it on me that if we had not married, she could have stayed back in her town and possibly gotten a job. (In here she is projecting how she feels nside on you, blaming you for her shortcomings since its a lot easier for her to blame others than herself. She is forgetting that marriage is a mutual decision, she decided to travel and marry you, its not like you force her). I realized how hard it must be for her to sit at home all day so I had her join some courses where I would drop her and pick her up everyay as she did not (and still does not) have a driver's license. (It sounds like she is choosing to stay at home...). After over a year, she was able to find a job but had a hard time keeping it as she did not get along with her manager. (This is another red flag, if doesn't have the ability to keep a job then it probably she has not reach a stage where she is an adult to be able to maintain a job). Luckily she found another job but she also has issues in this job getting along with most of her colleagues. (This is another red flag, it sounds like she doesn't have the ability to communicate, interact, conflict resolution, control her own emotions and other things, so its started to cause problems in two jobs so far)

She also does not talk to my family at all. (This is pretty rude, is she athleast making the effort to get along with them?) And she still has lots of resentment towards me and now says that I lied to her about details of my previous relationship. (She is getting insecure here again, you didn't lie to her, you just didn't talk about it at the time which its understandable).I have never cheated on my wife or talked bad about her to anyone. She has bouts of anger where she screams and tells me that I am the worst thing that has happened to her. (She is being rude and disrespectful here. She shouldn't be talking to you like this, are you standing up for yourself on a loving way? if you are great!, if not then she will continue this emotional abuse on you) I have tried to stay calm and have maintained that we have tried to make it work but since it is not working, I am ok to part ways. (Is she stopping after this? is she apologizing? if she is great! if not then it shows she is not respecting you or caring about you). We don't have any kids and I have also told her that when we communicate, we will distribute everything equally. I still care (and think love) about her and don't want her to struggle as she rebuilds her life on her own.

We have no intimacy or sex. (This woman is no longer putting any effort on the relationship, she pretty much withdrew the intimacy and sex. Are you standing up for yourself on a loving way here?) She doesn't do anything around the house and I have to do everything including laundry, dishes, lawn, vaccum and groceries. (At this point this marriage is becoming one sided, where you are doing all of the work and investing far more than her, so she doesn't see the need to try). I got into an accident couple of years ago and my back still recovering but I still work around the house as much as I can because if I don't the place becomes a mess. (She probably wasn't supportive here, which shows she is caring more about herself than you or the marriage, its unfair how she is behaving). Luckily I am able to work from home and still make a good income so money is never an issue. However, when I got into accident, none of my friends called me ask me how I am doing. So now I don't even have close friends anymore. (I guess its true, when we go through struggle its where we will know who are our true friends)I feel that sometimes I have panic attacks when I realize how I am stuck in this nightmare.

I am not sure what to do. I meditate daily and try to stay positive but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Right now, we are staying in the same house but as total strangers (This is no longer a marriage, its more like two strangers who met yesterday or roomates) except the times when she is yelling, screaming and crying at me. (You are letting her walk all over you, its why she is behaving this way with you) I have asked her to go to counselling but she won't. And the fact that I suggest it, makes her just resist it more so I don't advise anything now. (You are probably walking on eggshells with a woman who is being abusive towards you. You are willing to work on the marriage while she isn't, do you feel its worth it to stay with a woman like this?) Please help me. I am not sure how long I am going to be able to pull this.

@beetlebug123 sorry its an unhealthy relationship there i could sense . Hope youre doing alright!!