Messy ex situation - need advice/supprt
I have an ex who I still love to pieces. Him and I were close friends for 3 yrs/dated for 8M. Before dating him, he knew I was in a abusive relationship that left me damaged but he was there for me. All the damage went into this relationship and damaged us from the start. We had so many fights but always found each other in better places and we have continually grown as people. We both moved from our hometowns, he got work, I went to uni, we made new friends, etc. Within the last month things went really bad. I went on tinder (we broke up August ‘18), I matched with his friend (didnt know they were friends), didnt flirt but we became friends. My ex blocked me out of anger and for some reason it didnt make me cry but I was like wtf. Later on found out they were friends, he called me some bad names but then on a drunken night out with my family, we went to his work (I was still blocked on social media so I didnt know he was working) and bumped into him and we finally go to talk it out and since then things have been great for him and I (the space apart did us well) but my family ganged up on me, blamed me for being at his work place cause I told them what he called me but Im such a loving and forgiving person but they are right down my throat about it. I cant think straight, I keep shaking. I worry way too much about other peoples negative options and try to please everyone. I always sacrifice my happiness but I feel safe here. Please help :(
@TheRedDevil
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
My ex blocked me out of anger and for some reason it didnt make me cry but I was like wtf. (This is a punishment behavior he has, so he blocked you to express how hurt he was in an indirect manner. He seems to be very toxic, and this tells me more about who he is as a person) Later on found out they were friends, he called me some bad names (This is his way of making you feel hurt in the same way he felt hurt, since he thinks it will make him feel good to go off on you. You did nothing wrong, you were single and you owe him zero explanation.) but then on a drunken night out with my family, we went to his work (I was still blocked on social media so I didnt know he was working) and bumped into him and we finally go to talk it out and since then things have been great for him and I (the space apart did us well) (I look at his actions and all it tells me that things will be okay for a bit, and then it will go back to the toxic behavior) but my family ganged up on me, blamed me for being at his work place (This is awful...you didn't deserve to go through this...) cause I told them what he called me but Im such a loving and forgiving person but they are right down my throat about it. (We all have our choices, and if you felt like you needed to have that conversation with him then you did what you felt was right. Your family should have been supportive, but all they are doing is making you feel bad and guilty about your situation. Me personally.. I would have say "Hey i appreciate you guys are looking out for me, but i feel uncomfortable with the way you guys are repeating all of this to me. I would appreciate if this would stop") I cant think straight, I keep shaking. (Quite a normal response because in the past they always made you feel guilty about everything regarding your life and what you wanted. It's understandable how scared you feel, i would have felt the same way) I worry way too much about other peoples negative options and try to please everyone. (I could relate to this and its understandable how you feel. I feel like their love was never conditional, and they always criticize you for everything, so now it leads to anxiety when they behave like this. This takes you back to when you were child, so the past is taking over the present when you feel someone is criticizing you. You also grew up pleasing others because for you thats how love feels, but they put false beliefs in you with their behavior) I always sacrifice my happiness but I feel safe here. Please help :(
@freshLight64
you are amazing, I cant tell you how much that meant reading that cause it was so perfectly written and it is exactly spot on. I have been pleasing people since I was very young, always have - I consider myself a doormat to people ie: let myself be walked over but still be there for them. My brother and sister that ganged up on me are the closest siblings (they are in late 20s/early 30s) and Im closer to 20. Im the youngest in the family and out of 7 siblings, I dont trust any and I dont talk to half of them. My mum has never set an example of perfect relationship or decision maker. She separated my dad when I was 3 (abuse reasons) so I dont think I know what love is. My first proper relationship (ages 17) was horrible, I tried so hard to earn love while my partner smoked, got drunk, abused me, lied to me and broke my trust. I still dont understand love but I know I love my last ex. Like after a break we get on really well but then get a little comfortable but we get better and better each time. Ill never have the support I need and I hate it :((( but honestly thank you so much!! You are so amazing
@TheRedDevil
Hey I really appreciate your kind words, and you are welcome.
I consider myself a doormat to people ie: let myself be walked over but still be there for them. (This is how love feels for you because this is how they treated you. I feel like for you its a lot easier to be a "doormat" than to confront them because it comes with pain and hurt, and since you never felt loved and understood then in a way it makes you give up. I'm also sensing you are willing to allow mistreatment even if it means you will get a small amount of love or attention. I can relate to all of this, and its really rough being with people like them. You deserve to be treated better, and you are worthy of so many things) My brother and sister that ganged up on me are the closest siblings (they are in late 20s/early 30s) and Im closer to 20. Im the youngest in the family and out of 7 siblings, I dont trust any and I dont talk to half of them. (It's understandable why you wouldn't trust them or talk with them since it doesn;t feel safe. it's hard to trust and connect them after the way they have ganged up on you, it slowly starts to create feelings of shame inside you, which makes you beat yourself up) My mum has never set an example of perfect relationship or decision maker. (She is very unware of her issues, so this will make her be more anxious, impulsive and self-absorbed behavior around her family. This will also make you feel confused and unsure about yourself, because she didn't make you feel heard, seen, understood and acknowledged) She separated my dad when I was 3 (abuse reasons) so I dont think I know what love is. (I could see why you would feel this way, its hard to know what love is when the people you grew up with didn't give you the proper example of this) My first proper relationship (ages 17) was horrible, I tried so hard to earn love while my partner smoked, got drunk, abused me, lied to me and broke my trust. (Thats awful of him to do, and you didn't deserve to go through this at all. I do feel like you tried to fix him and tried hard to earn the love you didn't receive from your parents. It was probably a constant struggle of "I want to stay, but at the same time he is mistreating me" and moments of tons of painful disconnections) I still dont understand love but I know I love my last ex. (Im sure you did) Like after a break we get on really well but then get a little comfortable but we get better and better each time. Ill never have the support I need and I hate it (Let yourself feel all of those feelings, and know that its okay to feel the way you do. It's unfortunate you won't get the support you need from them, but remember this, they are very lost themeselves as well so they won't be able to give you what you need. It's okay if they can't because there will be other people who will support you and be there for you.)
@TheRedDevil I have been there with family ganging up on me about negative things I have told them about my past partners. I dated a guy for 3 years and EVERY SINGLE time he did something I wasnt pleased with I told my family and friends. It turned them against him very quickly. So even when he did good things, they didn't care. I learned A LOT about how to handle some situations by the expereince. We ultimately broke up (for the best honestly) and I am now in another long term relationship. Does he annoy me occationally....FOR SURE! Do we fight and say things we shouldnt...YES. But what I have learned is, in realtionships when you really care about someone, soemetimes those things are meant to be kept between you and them. No need to tell parents, family members, and friends (Unless you are in danger of course). The people that love you will always want whats best, so when they hear mean or bad things someone has done to you, its hard to think of that person differently afterwards. But i understand the needs to please people and worry about negative opinions. I 100% understand.
@Nomah
I feel like Im the complaining type but I spoke to the only family friend I feel I can trust and thats what she said, unless its massive and I feel like its way too much then Ill tell someone but name calling I couldnt handled and I know I dont trust my siblings but I guess it was like an attempt of bonding which never happened as a child and sure as hell wont happen now. My sibling s are
@TheRedDevil
*accidentally hit reply*
my siblings are evil. They dont support anything I do, they dont come to my dance concerts, never helped in my study. Im the one they pick on because Im different, Im not like them. I laugh at anything while theyre prunes, I used to be so happy but with no trust I sit in silence and self destruct my own brain. I have to go home this weekend for Mothers Day and Im so scared that Im going to get attacked with 20 questions and I have no doubt that my sister/brother spread the fact that my ex and I are back in contact. I dont want Mothers Day to be ruined, I dont want time with my elderly day ruined. I blame myself hardcore for talking to him but I blame myself because they blame me. When I think of me and my ex - Im happy despite all our hard times. When I think of my ex and opinions of my housemates/family/friends - I panic fiercely. Im trying to live my best life and do what I think is right but somehow Im still trying to please everyone and make sure theyre happy with my life like its some art display. Im definitely going to look into counseling in the new week. But like I said, Im new but I feel safe here - thank you so much