My (23f) LDR boyfriend (22m) of 5 years just broke up with me and now I feel so lost and alone. I am still hoping he’ll come back.
My (23f) LDR boyfriend (22m) of 5 years just broke up with me and now I feel so lost and alone. I am still hoping he’ll come back. Everything was going fine, we were planning to close the distance from Russia to Philippines already at the end of the year. The last time we met was summer of 2019. He’s currently serving in the army for a year and will come out October 2021. Earlier this week we were planning for our marriage. We were planning how to decorate our apartment. We were planning about visas for a year so we can start living together. Then suddenly he told me two nights ago that he wants to break up again because it’s been so tiring to plan for everything. He got overwhelmed. He tried to break up with me 3 times over the last year but I always pleaded him to reconsider and try to make things work. And he did. It’s just that two nights ago was the last straw. He cried a lot begging me to let him go because he’s not happy anymore. He’s currently going through life where he just graduated university, serving in military and still unemployed. He was being crushed under pressure of trying to fit me in all of his future plans. He told me that he can’t even see me in his future anymore no matter how much he tried. We broke up on a good note. We both made it clear that we still love each other but he’s not ready to take our relationship on another level or to even stay. He wants to discover himself first. He doesn’t want to be in any relationship right now, he told me not to wait for him anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore because in the last 5 years I was so sure that he’s gonna be the guy I’m marrying. I literally changed my goals and aspirations to be with him. I feel so mad and lost. I feel like I was left hanging.
@cheescaakes
LDR are really hard to maintain. Even apart from that, it sounds like you're both at different stages of life and want to work towards different goals. It is sad to see you changed your goals and aspirations to be with him. Maybe this is where you are most different, because he felt unable to change his goals.
5 years is a long time and I can understand the shock you're trying to deal with. Do you have any friends or family that are aware of this sudden change in your circumstances? We are here for you if you need to share anytime.
Yes I have friends who are helping me but I think I’m starting to annoy them because all I can talk about are my feelings and the break up and I know it can be quite draining. It’s just truly heartbreaking and I’m torn between keeping on answering his “friendly” calls which usually lasts for 30 mins-1hr or block his phone number and go no contact so he’ll miss me at least. I dont know what’s best
@cheescaakes
I hear you about those repeated calls. He has already made clear that he does not want to take this anywhere, and wants out. Why does he keep calling?
About sharing those thoughts and feelings, it can help to write yourself a journal or even email yourself. Over a week or after a few days, when you see them, it is like a reminder of your progress, or if there's anything you want to do differently. Of course, you are welcome to use this space to share as well, we'd be happy to listen.
He keeps calling because he doesn’t have anyone else to call. I actually decided to cancel the international phone plan that I pay for so I can return his calls. I spend quite a lot on it just so we can talk but now he’s not my boyfriend anymore so I think I’m not obligated to pay for it. The usual conversation when we call is he usually ask how am I doing, if I’m still sad, if I already have a new boyfriend because he encourages it if I do, if I have new hobbies etc. And then he would usually tell me his daily activities from the military, stories about the guys he serves with etc. It’s painful how our conversation can be so normal and go on for a whole hour. And it sucks because I still have feelings and it gives me hope that maybe he might still change his mind about us but again, he would repeatedly tell me he doesn’t want me back. I am so confused and lost but I am slowly coming into terms and understanding that I may not want him back anymore too. That I am actually relieved that I can now follow my dreams but I also feel guilty because I was never able to return what he did for me all these years. I was never even able had the chance to visit him and his family in Russia while he visited me 4x in my country.
@cheescaakes
You are absolutely right. You invested time and energy into this relationship because you believed it had a future. Whatever he did for you, including the visits, were part of his investment into that future. He unilaterally decided he has no space for you and that future in his life. You already put in what you could, for as long as you could.
Now you're finding acceptance of his decision and working towards a way forward, it is okay to think of your dreams. It's okay to feel that relief and walk towards your future without guilt.
Hi Cheesecake...we are here for you....talk to us