My abusive boyfriend and I broke up Friday

I have been with my partner for almost 4 years- over three. He has been very manipulative and controlling of everything I have done. Making me block friends, constant accusing of cheating, projecting his own insecurities on me, making fun of my weight, not wanting me on bc after a traumatic miscarriage, trying to talk me out of applying for my masters, bringing me down, holding old fights and a hook up from over 2 years ago when we separated for a month over my head and constantly calling me a slut, telling me to go unalive myself, telling me it’s weird my mom texts me and to just ignore her, saying the fact my mom texts me for updates (I’m 22 and still live at home) is annoying and baby-ish and no one will have the patience to deal with me, calling me and my interests stupid, calling my anxiety annoying and saying to drop it constantly and no one wants to hear it, not letting me like my favorite shows or movies, not participating in things I enjoy, always saying “I don’t understand” or “I’m not smart enough to know” things that I don’t like, calling me fat and ugly constantly, saying I’m lucky he’s with me, spitting on me and more. this has been my past year. just absolute torture. he has these constant break downs of full on screaming and throwing things and threatening me. calling me every name in the book. My self esteem, love, respect… everything I have had for myself has gone out the window since our time together.

he breaks up with me on Friday because he is tired of me being anxious about lying to my mom about sleeping over/ even though I’m only nervous for 20 minutes until i text her I’m at fionas goodnight. He said that’s weird and he doesn’t give a fuck about my feelings and he’s tired of hearing about it- and no one will ever deal with that. It turned into how I’m not saving up to escape my mom and I’m not spending enough money on him- and I need a “real job.” I said I’m in school full time and I babysit 3 times a week. He said I get to play with a baby all day, that’s not work. He said normal people do school full time and work full time. he said he doesn’t want to spend gas money on me anymore and he’s tired of taking me on dates. After screaming at me for over an hour- I said what dates? We haven’t gone out in over a year? We eat McDonald’s in your basement? That was enough for him to throw my phone, my Apple Watch, my bag, and me into a wall. I cried and tried to pick up my stuff and he called me a ugly, fat, useless bitch and said that I’m being dramatic. I said why would you push me and he said you touched me because you wouldn’t get out of my way and leave. I cried and picked up my stuff and walked up the stairs to get out where he continues to scream names at me. I tried to talk as I was walking up the stairs and say sorry let’s just talk and calm down and breathe. He pushed me once more out the door and once I got up and turned around spit in my face. Then he locked the door. This was at 11:30 at night. My phone half cracked and dying. No where to go. I called him and called him until he answered. I begged to sleep on the couch and said that I have no where to go I don’t know where to go and I don’t know what to do. His reply was “you should probably go kill yourself now.” And those were his last words. He blocked me on everything. My friend Fiona was able to come pick me up and I stayed over her house.

the next day he sent me a email placing all the blame on me and our relationship. He said he only screams at me because he knows what I can do- and he WOULDNT force me to do anything I’m not capable of doing (aka a “real job” and full time school.) He said the stress of the relationship is what frustrated him- and he was validated but reacted the wrong way. I didn’t reply to the email. I kept him blocked on everything. I’m not going to reply.

I was abused. I have been abused for a year. He has spit on me, shoved me, cursed me out, manipulated me, played with my emotions and thoughts. Nothing feels real anymore. I don’t even know who I am. He broke down my confidence and broke down any hint of identity that I had. I have been taking this at minimum 4 times a month- most likely more- for over a year. Our relationship was always toxic but definitely abusive for the past year or two. I come to find out he is romantically talking to his co-worker and that’s why he was so easy to throw away our relationship this time- usually he cries and begs for me back. Him kicking me out was the final straw. I was scared and alone and he left me. He grabbed me by my face and then my throat when we were fighting before he pushed me. I thought he was going to kill me. In the email, he doesn’t admit to putting his hands on me or spitting on me, of course not; but he admits to telling me to go unalive myself. I did not reply. I will never reply.

I feel awful about myself. I feel like I don’t know a lot of myself. But I also feel so free. I feel so much better not having the anxiety of him every day- and scared of what mood he is going to be in. I would wake up and not know if I’m going to get screamed at or hated or loved. I don’t want to live like that anymore. Someone telling me how ugly and unlovable I am every day… I am glad I am out. I want to move on. I want to get past this. I want him out of my life for good.