My ex broke up with me two months ago and has been trying to reach out to me
To be honest I miss her, but the breakup wasn’t my idea. I was left feeling betrayed confused, and lonely. I’ve been trying to cope healthily and distract myself and meditate and reach out to counselors but it hasn’t helped because I still feel that I have a lot bottled up inside. I really cared for her, and her breaking up with me was truly abrupt. She wants me as a friend but my personal feelings haven’t been resolved. I still love her but being broken up with truly stings. I’ve bottled up so much from her, but I don’t think it’s worth it to tell her. But I also feel like keeping this from her is like lying to myself about my feelings and vulnerability.
@patientTurtle3645
It's normal and ok to feel the way you do.
You were left without any closure, because of the way she ended things so abruptly. You're still attempting to recover, but she thinks it would be cool to be friends, yet that may do more damage than good. Have you considered her reaching out to be friends as a way for her to ease her guilt of what she did to you?
Here is what I'd suggest:
- Things are now on YOUR terms.
- You're not ready to be friends with her, and it may not even be a possibility anyway. Let her know that you're just not ready, and you'll get back to her if/when you are better adjusted to even entertain the idea. Leave it at that, don't argue, don't deal with her rebuttals, just close it off - as abruptly as possible, do not prolong the conversation in the least. It needs to be short, sweet, and to the point.
- Find a new therapist, and find ways to cope and deal with the loss of your connection with her.
- Start working out. You'd be surprised at how much exercise can help your mental bottling and condition. If you are working out, find more strenuous exercises that get your heart rate up.
- At this point, you'll be aiming for releasing everything that you've had bottled through exercise and talk therapy.
You've got this.
Sventek, first of all I really appreciate you and your perspective on what I’m experiencing. Thank you for taking everything I’ve said into consideration and being understanding. Possibly, I do feel like her attempt to reconnect stems more from missing what we had on an intellectual and social level, rather than a romantic level. But yes, I can also see it as a way for her to ease any guilt she might be feeling. I don’t truly know what level of guilt she currently has because I haven’t been in contact with her, she was the one who reached out to me. Things are definitely on my terms but I didn’t even want things to be this way because it wasn’t at all my idea to break up. Ideally, I’d like to reconnect with her as a friend but my heart still feels broken and associates her with emotional pain and the faith that I used to have in us. She’s also not someone I’ve ever wanted to make feel sad or uncomfortable. I’m going to look for a new therapist soon. My current therapist pretty much only listens to me and doesn’t help me to develop an actionable plan. I’ve been working out actually lately, but it was while I was running outside last night that I burst into tears and had to lay on some grass for a few minutes and cry it out before continuing. I’m going to the gym again tonight after work.
@patientTurtle3645
I'd recommend continuing to work out, and yes crying and letting it out is key to your recovery. Friendship with her is possible, but not now, not yet. It may take you time to heal before you can entertain the idea of a friendship with her. At the moment, if you attempt a friendship with her, it's not going to give you the freedom and ability to properly heal from the ordeal. That's why it's necessary to create appropriate boundaries and distance. Just explain to her that you're still raw from what happened, you need time to heal, and process everything - but, you'd love to be friends once things have improved. She should respect and understand that. You'll eventually find out if her plan to remain, friends, is genuine or out of guilt eventually on its own merit.
I've found that writing is a healthy way to get those thoughts out of your mind. You don't need to send it to anyone, but getting those thoughts out of your mind and on paper can help you heal. A therapist can also help you, but remember that the goal of the therapist is to help you prevent bottling up your feelings and emotions - not help you solve problems. In reality, a good therapist will teach you how to ask yourself better questions so that you can solve situations on your own without dependence.
Just a word of caution, you've placed this woman that you had a strong affection for on a pedestal, based on how you write about and describe her. You may want to seriously re-evaluate how you view women in your life, how you interact with them, and ultimately how you can sustain healthy connections and relationships with them long term. As I said, there are lessons to be learned in what happened - seek those out and learn what you need to so that you're less likely to be in a similar situation again.
