My heart is torn between trying and leaving
Last week I broke up with my partner because I couldn't trust her. I've found out she had a thing with a guy two years ago. I knew she stayed over in the guest room while I was on holiday. Next day she tells me he made her feel uncomfortable and will never speak to him again. I only found out they actually had sex because two weeks ago she decided to message him about how he shouldn't make someone feel uncomfortable. When he didn't reply she sent angry messages about how forgettable the sex was, only remembering because of how uncomfortable and coercive she felt. I confronted her and she said it wasn't consensual and I'm blaming the victim. How dare I ask why would she sleep around his. I didn't even get a chance to ask her why she could have the courage to speak to him and her best friend before me. She wouldn't have told me. She refuses to discuss it. If it was non-consensual I understand. I contacted the guy and he sent me the whole messages. She's been flirting with him the whole time she was with me until that night. She even spoke to him a little afterwards. She's also been telling her best friend for months how she wants to leave me. When is she going to leave me and mean it. Describing her weekends with me as "surviving" them. She never told me I was doing anything wrong. Definitely didn't act like she had a terrible time. I couldn't believe how she was describing me. Acting like everything is fine, we're in love and having a fun time together. She never spoke to her friend about the good times. How I support her through her triggers, psychotic breakdowns or panic attacks. In conversations it looked like she completely hated being in the relationship and there was nothing good about it. Now we're trying to stay apart for a while to improve and work on ourselves before talking again. She left repeating how I'm gaslighting her, feels manipulated and abused by me. Not once apologising or mentioning how she was wrong in any way or what she should imorove on herself. My friends say she's lying and just did something she regrets. That I'm being manipulated and she's using her CPTSD as a weapon. I don't know what to do or feel. My friends think I'm an idiot. I went behind their backs and met her this weekend. Today we had our final call before the "not talking". Friends found out and they don't seem happy. I'm scared to confront anyone about this. I feel like an idiot. Am I victim blaming? Is she clearly lying? Am I gaslighting, manipulating and abusing her? Is she just a narcissist and doing these things to me? My life is a bad joke
Wow. Being completely honest reading all of the above shocked me. You need to seriously get out of this relationship. It sounds nothing but toxic on her behalf. Not only is she gas lighting YOU, but she’s playing the victim in it all and not taking any responsibility what so EVER for her actions and words. Reading stuff like this makes me so angry to be a woman sometimes when you have people going round acting like this and treating their partners with such disrespect. You deserve far better, and you sound like you have really tried your best to help her through her struggles as well. Do NOT blame yourself for any of this. You have tried every Avenue to make it right and get to the bottom of what is really going on. Unfortunately to me, she sounds like a compulsive liar. You have to think to yourself, does she bring you more misery than happiness in your life ? Because if you have to think about it, it’s not the right relationship for you. Your friends are just concerned for you. Don’t be frustrated with them, you would feel it too if you were them and could see what it was doing to you. I know it’s hard not to slip back into talking to her, especially when you are feeling lost and lonely yourself. But know your worth! Because at the moment she’s emotionally battering and manipulating you and sometimes when that happens to us, we can’t see it ourselves until maybe in a years time when you have moved on and become happy finally. I really hope you work on yourself, and taking time out to focus and reflect on what you really want. Personally I wouldn’t look back (which is what I’m doing now in a hard situation I’m going through). Get on the phone to your friends, and organise some days out and enjoy your freedom and focusing on making yourself happy. You are the #1 priority in your life. If you aren’t happy first, then nobody you decide to be with will solve that.
Thank you so so much for all your kind and reassuring words. It's so difficult to know when I'm doing something right or completely wrong. I've been made to believe I'm incapable of doing this alone so I've relied on her. She's been through so much suffering, has read a lot and understands things so much better. I feel like I need her to learn to be a better person. I've applied to see a therapist but done it in the past and she always said "those people are idiots, they don't have any academic experience" or "it's not bad but what you really need is...". And that pretty much applied to everything I've done. I never know when I'm doing something good
You have to remember, just because she’s ill, doesn’t automatically make her a victim. I’ve always noticed in life that when people have struggles, they either let it define them as a person in a positive or negative way. And unfortunately she has taken the negative route. Don’t ever doubt yourself! You are doing all that you can and more ! A therapist is what she needs, she can’t be using you as an emotional punching bag!
I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. I know it's a tough decision but from reading what you wrote, I think it's clear what you have to do. There is literal proof that she has been cheating on you by flirting with this guy and sleeping with him. I think she's shifting the blame onto you purposely because she doesn't want to be held accountable for her actions. I know you love her. But sometimes the things we love aren't good for us. Someone who genuinely loves you would always make you feel secure and safe and she has proven multiple times that that is not her priority. Believe me, I know how hard it is to not want to see our partners true colours and intentions. Because we can't believe someone we love so much was capable of hurting us this much. Do not let her make you feel like she's the victim in this situation. If you don't want to do anything rash, I suggest to spend a few months (maybe 2-3?) apart from here just so you have the space to think clearly and not with your emotions. I was in a toxic relationship where my needs weren't met and my partner was constantly blaming me for the failure of the relationship when he was the one not putting any effort in maintaining it. It took me a year away from him to realise the position I was in and I was finally glad it ended when it did.
Thank you so much for your very supportive words. I find it very difficult to see her as anything but a victim based on her history of being abuse, CPTSD, BPD, being in psychiatric wards. I always defended her to people because of how much she has been and going through. This "no one understands" mentality. Trying to accept that even people like this can be bad is impossible. How can someone who suffered so much be bad...