Narcissistic Abuse & How to Leave
I have been in a 13 year relationship wtih a man who is narcissistic - has cheated on me multiple times, it's always my fault, makes me feel like he is king and that no one else would ever want me. He is a great dad to our 2 kids, and I'm always thinking about that and living in this dream relationship world that I want and hoping he is going to change. But it never does.
We are fighting right now (he has accused ME of cheating since I have some conversations with a man on IG nothing even too bad or sexual) and he is saying he won't stand for that, I am not a good wife now, I should block any man who tries to talk to me, and that he's done and he wants nothing more to do with me.
I have been begging him to forgive me and please stay. That I won't do that behavior again and that I'm sorry. I know in my heart and head how STUPID this sounds considering all that's been done to me so I don't want to hear it that I'm an idiot, I know. I want to hear if anyone has any advice or stories on how you finally LET GO and make the move to change your life. I feel like I need to do it and I feel like I have to stop this cycle and fix my life but I don't know how!!!!
I am SO stuck and in such a place where I focus all my energy and emotions on him and he controls it all. I obsess and can't think of anything else but fixing the problem.
I am pretty, smart, funny, good job, lots of great qualities so it's such a screwed up mindset and life that I'm living and I just feel crazy and don't know what to do.
Any advice would be helpful I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this!!! :)
@RepusYtak Sorry we cannot give advice.
It is against 7Cups Guidelines to give advice.
I did read it.
But I am sorry,I cannot help you,since you want advice.
No one here at 7Cups can and should give advice,as it goes against the guidelines.
Sorry if I was not helpful.
But guidelines are here for your saftey,and not to police your behavior.
I stayed in exactly the same situation for 25 years .... it got better from time to time enough for me to have hope but the bad times when they came got worse and worse. My kids in the end were the ones that wanted me to leave and take them with them. It was the hardest thing in the world to do in so many ways but oh wow we have such a different vibe in our home now without him. We got help from counsellors trained in control and narcissistic personality disorder and me and the kids learned so so so much....life is different. And finally the kids are doing really well and life is about THEM and their dreams not about their Dad all the time. I know I still have a way to go with changing the patterns he created in my brain and my self belief but I’m getting there, still with help from counsellor and psychologist. I loved that man so much and wanted to make the family work out. I was faithful and devoted and sexy and a good mum, a good job .... he cheated, over-did steroids, lost all our money and our home and was often angry and just out to blame me or anyone for everything. He is also the best guy when he’s good. My kids said ‘if you want the good you have to have the bad too, and we don’t want that ANY more’ so that was that.
Thank you so much for your reply. I truly appreciate it. My kids really don't see any of that from him up until recently and they aren't abused by him like I am. He actually treats them really well which is one of his saving graces with me every time. He always tells me I won't find a better father than him and that I will always regret it if I leave him. My kids love him (they are 10 and 2) although I did talk with my daughter about it after our last fight and she doesn't seem to upset about the thought of him moving out and told me she would want to "live with me but visit him" I always picture in my head him being with someone else and happy and it makes me feel so sad thinking of all the what ifs. Even if in my head I know it's not like he will magically change the way he is for someone else. How long have you been split up from your ex? What was the final straw that made you wake up and leave? How much time did it take you to start feeling better? I really appreciate your support. As you well know these times are desperate and I feel so helpless and alone.
You sound like an amazing person and it sounds like you’ve raised some really smart kids! Glad you’re out of the toxic situation! I like the quote your kids give and will try to remember it for myself 🙂
I know what you mean about the kids being treated well by him, even our pets were spoiled rotten by him....until I felt there was just something wrong with me why I couldn’t keep him happy with me when everyone else was able to. So much I could tell you about that! But to this day the kids tell me that one of the worst things for them was having to so often ‘feel sorry’ for ME....that watching and hearing him treat me like he did over such a long time was terrible. And believe me after we left and it was safe enough to do so they told other things they had seen and heard that I never even knew, about how he had sneakily treated others badly and how THEY as kids had learned to placate him so that he didn’t do that to them. And now we know more about narcissistic abuse it was a classic strategy to treat me badly and then sit and be lovely to the kids etc while I was still all upset inside and hardly coping. As for picturing him happy with someone else .... my man HAD someone else and she thought he was amazing but once she got to know him better she started to contact me wanting to know whether he had any issues and saying she had noticed some things that just seemed off etc etc etc hahaha. She told everyone about him....things I couldn’t say without seeming like a bad or crazy person....she was asking for MY help too as she was apparently so shocked and heartbroken 😂 but I just blocked contact from her and moved on feeling satisfied. There were a few main reasons i up and left but here are two: 1) my eldest kid watched him being so nice at the dinner table but then tell me that I had dished up the potato wrong and giving me ‘evil’ stares all the way through eating (meanwhile smiling at the kids). That sort of thing would just happen for no real reason. But this day my son quietly came up to me later and said ‘mum I’m going to one day have kids and I would like you to be around them because you’re a lovely person BUT if you are living with Dad then I won’t be able to bring them around in case he’s like that and ruins how special you can be with MY children and they have to feel sorry for you’. 2) my daughter had a boyfriend and he was staying from time to time, he didn’t have a dad and was looking for that dad figure I think.... all of my own kids went out one afternoon and the boyfriend stayed behind in the bedroom....my man didn’t know the boyfriend was there....of course as soon as they left he switched and was just awful to me and I was trying to ask him what was wrong but he just got agitated and all the usual blaming me for things no matter what I did .... the boyfriend was shocked and had moved to the doorway thinking he had to step in and stand up for me but he pulled out his phone and recorded what was being said. Later he threw his arms around me and just hugged and hugged and said if I didn’t get myself and the kids out in the next couple of weeks he would take the kids to go live with his mum. He felt sorry for me but more so for the kids if they had to feel sorry for me like that often. He told his mum what he’d seen and she completely switched off and refused to tolerate my man, wouldn’t look at him or speak to him after that and I realised that if people knew then they wouldn’t like him even if he was being his charming self to THEM. The boyfriend also said he could show the recording to the police or anyone and they would know what he was really like. I think we had all become so used to things that it was a shock to see what had become normal to me through someone else’s eyes. We walked out the door two weeks later. Four years ago.