Normal? Ex using guilt to get me back
I broke things off with my long term boyfriend yesterday. We had been on and off for the last 3 months. The main source of own problems was 1) his ambivalence 2) our different attached styles (me= anxious, him= avoidant).
The initial breakup was from me finding out he was on a dating site and looking for a new apartment (we lived together). I discovered his deep ambivalence which had hidden from me this whole time.
Each time we got back together since, he has promised things will be different, promising to put 100% in to revolving our issues. But each time, after 2-4 weeks, and after only 1 therapy session, he called it quits again. And each time my heart was crushed, my trust betrayed, and my anxiety then skyrocketed. I was putting 100% into this relationship each time, and all he does is turn around and change his mind.
Last week we decided to end things and not talk anymore so we can both move on. A few days later he is acting like nothing happened, inviting me to dinner with his parents.
I ended things completely yesterday and told him not to contact me again. And now he is emailing me long letters claiming that he doesn't understand where we went wrong, how I can just change my mind and leave, how I can just give up on us and run away.. He even told me he was planning on proposing.
I feel incredibly guilty for breaking up with i love, but I know this isn't healthy. He's now guilt tripping me even further.
I don't know what to do....
@dynamicWater6640
Don't let his BS get to you ignore his messages try blocking him on everything you have with him social media phone number emails block him change your number he's doing this to get you back to hurt you all over again your the only that's suffering and hurting cause of him some men will do this my ex did the same I kept ignoring it didn't contact him till few days later saying its over you know its over so stop this and move on your ex knows its over he's just playing stupid cause you took him back each time every other time well guess what DON'T take him back your better then that you deserve better you deserve to be happy it will hurt for awhile but over time it will heal you will find someone way way better then your ex you deserve to be treated right and with respect as well don't feel guilty that's what your ex wants don't let him have that stand your ground have strength and tell your self NO I WILL NOT GET HURT AGAIN I WILL NOT LET HIM DO THIS TO ME NO MEANS NO you can do this ignore his messages block him on everything he knows why you both broke up for he's just getting to you again don't let that happen best of luck hang in there okay
@BrightRedFlower2322
Thank you for your reply, it really clarified things. I can see now that he really is just saying things that he knows will get me back, as you say!
He's really tapping into my insecurities. He knows that I have trouble trusting my gut, questioning every decision I make... But I can definitely see his selfishness coming through now... I ended it because I wasn't happy, yet he wants me to come back so he can be happy. He's trying to convince me that I'm not unhappy.
Sigh.
I'll put my everything into not replying. It's been really hard, but I really need to.
Thank you for your reply and advice x
@dynamicWater6640
You are most welcome glad to be of help you have the will power to ignore him he wants to be happy cause hurting you makes him happy don't give in do not give him that again your unhappy you need to think about yourself first forget him it's going to be hard to ignore him and move on bit you have that will power and strength inside of you you just have to let it out and feel it and know that your better then him you need to think about yourself from now on do what you want to do in life do what makes you happy your free from someone like that he trapped you now your free use up your freedom to do what makes you happy you don't need him bringing you down any more you want to move on and be happy without him let him be unhappy cause you don't care anymore don't give into his BS you will over come this in time and patients ignore him after awhile his messages should ease off a bit you need to be your self again you don't want to be trapped by him anymore surround yourself with people who really love you family friends people on here who are very supportive bright up your down with things that make you happy and smile 
@dynamicWater6640
I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through this. It can be really hard when someone important to us acts this way. Unfortunately, using guilt is a common strategy to make someone stay in a relationship. But of course, you're under no obligation to stay in one. I imagine it's very hard leaving someone you love, but I think it's very strong of you to have made that decision for your emotional health. I truly hope he stops this kind of behavior and I wish you the best of luck with everything in the future! Our community is here to support you through this time!
@NobleCat
Thank you for your message and encouraging words. I am trying my best to stay strong. He is acting on my insecurities, targeting them to create doubt. He keeps emailing asking if I'm sure I want this. Asking how I can do such a thing to someone I love. Every second paragraph has a threatening tone as he speaks about how I'm never going to see him again if I do this, and it'll be too late when I realize my mistake.
It's creating doubt in my mind... But my logical mind can also see it for what it is... He is just guilt tripping me, manipulating me. In his emails he says that he doesn't expect me to change my mind, and is not begging for me back. So that means the intent of these emails is to deflect his emotions onto me, to make me feel guilty about my decision.
I have already told him that it is over but he keeps asking if I am sure. Honestly it is pushing me away even further as I am beginning to resent him.
At the end of the day I know I wasn't happy, so I need to sick by my decision.
@dynamicWater6640
I know it's gonna feel really hard to not message him, but as it's been said, he's just saying things that will get you back with him. Proposal? No one uses that as an actual guilt thing, because that's really rude.
If he's looking for apartments and joining dating sites, he called the quits on the relationship long before you did. It's just that you were someone stable in his life, and he is likely craving that comfort and familiarity. It's super duper unhealthy, and you deserve much better than that <3
It'll be hard for a while, undoubtably, but it may be for the best. What are your thoughts? At the very least, some space may be needed.
My love and thoughts are sent your way!
@Cadence
Thank you for your reply.
Yes, we both definitely need time to look at the situation from a perspective that isn't clouded by emotion and pain. I have done that after each breakup, but the ex does not. In fact, he had sent me 6 emails over the last couple of days... These emails are up and down, angry and calm, pretty much just a sound board for him to deflect his emotions onto me, as he used to do in the relationship. Thee initial anger and blaming mixed together with a proposal was unreal. And yep, he went there. Said he was designing my ring and preparing himself to ask my Dad for my hand... Now the emails are trying to convince me that I have made the wrong decision and that I will regret it soon, and asking if I am sure that i want this. This is mixed in with threats that if I don't hurry up he'll be gone forever.
He seems to be pinpointing the things I have said about still caring for him, and knowing that this relationship might not work now but possibly could in the future. He is using this as fuel to make me don't my decision. Yes I still care about him, but I don't want this relationship anymore. But I am being made to feel so guilty for thinking that.
@dynamicWater6640
His behavior is incredibly manipulative. It's insensitive to you and your feelings and needs.
@Khalenyu
I could not agree more!
But it is so hard to accept that the man I love and care about could actively decide to say certain things to trigger guilt and pain in me.
He cannot just walk away from this. He is dragging it out so much, popping his head back into my life when I am starting to feel ok again.
He is so hot and cold. He says he accepts the decision and says he'll move on, says goodbye, etc. But then he turns around a few hours later asking me to come back, asking why I did this to him, why I am walking away. And the cycle and pain begins again, like reopening the wounds over and over again.
@dynamicWater6640
I am going through a similar situation, my ex first tried to guilt me into comming back, then she tried to make me feel i'm not worth it and that i should be thankful that she even agreed to be part of my life and that no one would. She even went to the extent of threatening to file a false poilce complaint if i didnt go back to her.
Point is many people resort to threats, blackmail etc to keep you in their life. Its because they are insecure. Best to stay out of such a relationship.
There have been lots of instances when i felt i may have done something wrong or how i could have made it better. Its easy to convice the brain but not the heart.
It can be painful at first, but its a choice between temporary pain or death by a thousand cuts.
Things are still pretty bad with this. I've now for the police involved and looking into getting a restraining order.
I am nervous everything my phone beeps, everything an email comes through, every time I come home, every time my door bell rings, thinking it could be him. My anxiety is through the roof.
It is now in the hands of the police, do I hope they take some action soon. I can't stand this much longer.
@dynamicWater6640
Sorry to hear that, I've finally managed to get away from my ex's clutches. I had to move house and also got myself transferred to a new location. It was hard, but things have started to improve. As per my lawyer, legal system here is pro women so its makes it a bit hard when a man is harrased by a woman, so best never to be in the same space as her, atleast till everything settles down. I know it's sort of running away but its also because i know if i'm pushed hard enough i may react in kind and that wont be a pretty scene. It's given me peace of mind and thats whats important.
Not sure if that'll work for you, hope you survive this , my prayers are with you. God bless
@johnmathew
I'm glad you managed to separate yourself from the toxic situation. That is why fantastic news.
Things on my end have stopped completely. However, the authorities needed to get involved in order for that to happen...
The police took out a restraining order again him on my behalf. This was due to evidence of escalation (eg 7 emails over a single weekend), evidence of violence (he threatened to commit suicide), and the extent of the harassment.
I didn't want it to end that way. But it did. And now if he contacts me again he will be arrested.
The police did make it very clear to him that it was the police who took out the restraining order, not me. So that gave me some peace of mind.
It's been about a week with no contact now. I feel free. I feel like I can get back to my normal life now.