Not dealing well - help.

@Kasha2000

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

In a relationship for just two months but was very intense - (It can be a red flag if something this short started this intense...I believe it felt familar such as him being similar to one of your caregivers and perhaps you have certain traits as one of his caregivers. Theres a high chance you both probably projected unmet needs in each other, wanting to fill an empty void through a mindset of "i need") felt like we were both just as committed long-term and felt safe to be ourselves. (A relationship for just two months shouldn't have this long term commitment until you both have gotten to know each other really well and when both sides see how truly the other one is personality wise) For both of us it's rare to connect with anyone, let alone as much as we did, it felt like we were made for each other. We were happy. (Something that usually starts out like this tends to lose its steam because you both have separated issues that will clash after the the honey moon is over)

We started having arguments - (This goes on an unconcious level, but you both have past childhood hurt and trauma, so they are certain things that will cause a trigger, which will results in the inability to regulate feelings and stay compose. These past issues were never dealt with, it keeps coming, however the main issue of this arguments is anxiety) small misunderstndings escalated as he'd dismiss my perspectives/feelings - (This tells me his feelings, needs and wants were dismissed as a child, so this is a behavior he learned growing up. He learned to dissociate from his internal feelings and emotions, and emotions turns to make him feel comfortable, so he will often dismiss how you feel because its what he learned growing up) he wouldn't listen, he'd just go straight into telling me how my perceptive was wrong so I had no right to be upset or misunderstand. (This is a dismissive style, where they often dismiss how they feel and then dismiss how the other person feels. He is being negative here, which will cause you to feel disconnected and your anxiety level will go up) He'd go off on tangents where almost every word I used he claimed meant I was falsely accusing him of something horrible, (This is also part of a dismissive style, where you could tell them in a loving way but they will feel as if you attack them or they will get insecure) I couldn't say a word without him twisting it around. I'd get frustrated/upset, (You are feeling disconnected here, entering emotional meltdown because he isn't listening properly) which would convince him he (being logical and calm) was right and I was wrong. I believe he was [unintentionally] gaslighting as he's emotionally avoidant; (I don't think is gaslighting, its an avoidan attachment style he has where he will often not accept fault and will continue to project on how he feels) he becomes robotic/logical to try to avoid the emotion in arguments.(He learned to surpress his own emotions at all out of fear of being abandoned as a child, so now he avoid emotions during arguments)

In the last argument he accused me of causing drama and threatened to beakup, (He is actually doing projecting here, he is the one who caused drama, but he is blaming you because it's too hurtful for him to admit the truth. He is being manipulative by threatning to breakup...) I defended myself as I'd done all I could to avoid this drama. I explained his behavior was making me feel gaslighted...I didn't directly accuse him but this was enough for him breakup with me. (He breakup with you because he wanted to punish you and didn't like what you said, very manipulative of him to do)

He sent me an email a day later explaining things and it showed how bad our communication was (You both have your own set of past hurt and trauma, so these things tend to clash when you come together) - despite my explaining multiple times he still didn't know what I was referring to (re. gaslighting) (I don't think he was doing this, he just doesn't have the maturity and the ability to take responsability, so he will often blame you for things he is doing) and instead had concocted this theory using my ADHD against me to claim due to this I was experiencing memory loss and making things up to fill in the gaps, (Now this part here can be considered gaslightning (im not therapist, im guessing here), but he tried to make you look as if you are crazy) he also said I'd used the term gaslighting to intentionally hurt him/end the relationship. (He was the one who said hurtful things and threatnen to break the relationship, you see how he is projecting the things he does on you and how he blames you for what he does?, He is distorting reality a lot) I sent him a reply explaining I disagreed, still being civil and voiding the gaslighting issue, we agreed to disagree. (It's pointless going back and forth with him...)

We'd been messaging to sort out practical matters (he'd also been finding excuses to message me), we were on speaking terms and I'd have liked it to stay that way...just maybe distanced ourselves until we could try to just be friends again (which he'd said he wanted too), I thought that the connection and comfort we felt with each other is too rare and precious for us both to want to just lose it. (The friendship route is not a good idea because you do have feelings for him, what if he dates someone else and tells you all about it, are you going to handle it well?)

He said he had re-read my email and agreed so he seemed receptive, (I wonder for how long...)thus I brought up the gaslighting issue. Not the best idea but for the sake of my sanity it had to be said as he was blaming everything on me, (The blaming part has to do with a dismissive style, not gaslightning) also it felt important to point out his behavior to him. (This will not work because he will often think he doesn't have a problem and then will feel like its a personal attack) I should have left it but what I said was rasonable and consuctive - he however saw it as a personal attack, he responded in a very hostile way. (An act out to sabotage things and then to push you away)

He's asked me to collect my things (tomorrow) and has stopped all contact with me. (This is the best it could have happen, he is highly avoidant...)

So...

I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out if I'm in the wrong, (A relationship not working has to do with both sides, not just one. You and him did mistakes on the relationship that lead to its end) I can be defensive and struggle to step away from arguments, plus we clearly both have different communication styles -(Yes, however you are more comfortable with emotions, and he is not comfortable with emotions which will make him do things to push you away) but the thing is, he shouldn't be dismissing me (This is true, he shouldn't have, but this means he can't give you the kind of relationship you want to have) or going to such extremes to convince me my perspective was wrong, I should be able to tell a partner their behavior is hurting me without them breaking up with me!! (I agree with you here, but we are dealing with someone who is very immature and childish, so these kind of behaviors are quite common)

I'm still trying to understand how we went from something so amazing to this mess. (The first month and half was amazing because he was putting his best foot forward, but soon as he got comfortable is where his true self came out. Be very careful of the honeymoon phase, it can be misleading...get to know the person on a deeper level before commiting into in a relationship)
I'm upset that he has cut contact now...even if maybe it's for the best. (He is childish and immature, so he is giving you the silent treatment as a way to punish you. This is in an unconcious level, but he blamed you as in distorting reality, but the real reason he did this is because he didn't want to be close to you)

Things I'm struggling with right now...

1. I'm struggling to see we weren't compatible and his behavior means it wasn't an amazing relationship, (He is highly avoidant, so this is not the type of person you should aim to be with. In 2 months he was like this...just imagine a year with him...) that I didn't do something wrong to lose an 'amazing relationship'. I have really tried to see how he could have viewed the arguments, to see if I'm out of line thinking this was gaslighting...I don't think I am, but I'm second-guessing myself.

2. I've no friends or family, currently I also don't work so that means a lot of time on my hands to over-think all this. My life is generally not great right now: no job, no friends, no money, no life, no future...(It sounds like you are going through a tough time right now) I'm very lonely and stuck unable to really change anything right now, (I know how this feels, it honestly sucks going through this, but you have more power and things to do that you can imagine. I highly suggest you start self improvement and learning new things even though at times you won't feel the energy to do things) which is not a good place to be after a breakup. We spent all our time together and had a lot of plans together for the future too, (Too soon to be thinking of plans together about the future, this communicates how much unmet needs you two projected on each other) so now I've no idea what to do with myself. Plus we met via a meetup group, he's fiends with most members so worried this option for meeting people is closed to me now.

3. I'm caught-up worrying about if he really cared about me as much as he seemed to while we were together (if he did he'd not have ended it, right?), (He probably did or does care, but we are dealing with a person who is highly avoidant, which means he has gotten severly hurt in the past, so he will not be able to handle the closeness a relationship brings without sabotaging it) how he thinks about me now, and if he'll remember me fondly in the future. It distresses me thinking that maybe he was going off me and used this as an excuse to end things (he seems upset so don't think so), (People who are immature and childish tend to end relationship on impulse, most times they are doing it to punish you and being manipulative...so this will usually cause you a lot of hurt) but also upset he may not look back fondly on me/us...it huts when I think so much of him/us.(I know it hurts, honestly the way things end it was just awful)

4. I'm very guarded, (This means you are afraid of getting hurt and abandonned, it comes from your early experiences of love and life) I think that if I don't let people get to know the real me then it would hurt less if they chose to reject me, (This tells me you didn't feel loved and cared by people, so you have chosen to put out less in case others made you feel the same way as others did in the past. This could be trust issues, and holding back in case things don't work out) thus that I let him in so much is a huge deal for me. (This is a red flag, because you were looking desperatly to feel loved and cared, that you opened in a big way during a 2 month relationship. Opening up should be a very slow process, not sharing so much at once) Now I'm scared if lucky enough to find something that feels this good again (This tells me you miss how it makes you feel loved, than the person itself) I'm going to be an insecure mess unable to fully trust a new relationship, also in general I keep thinking about the fact that this guy who knew me so well and claimed to love me could reject me so easily...(I don't think you were rejected as you mentioned, I feel he can't do relationship or any kind of closeness without him sabotaging it. He has like 20 walls to protect himself, so its very tough to connect and get closer to him because he will push you away if you try. He doesn't attach well to others, because attachment came with severe hurt and pain. I feel the way he breakup with you was a way to punish you, and to gain his own space because he cannot handle closeness. He did breakup with you, but its not because of your personality or what you said, but rather because he is immature and childish)