Recent Breakup (Break?) Advice/Support Please
Basically, my partner of a year and a half asked for a break and when i asked about boundaries and guidelines she basically said anything goes and there's no time cap because you can't put a timeline to self-growth. Their reasoning for why they felt the relationship wasn't right anymore was because they felt stuck. They said i wasn't respecting their boundaries about the privacy of our relationship and how they didn't like pda. Which i understand for pda but honestly there was no closeness anymore because they were basically asking me to pretend that we weren't together in public and group settings. At the beginning of the relationship there were was no discomfort surrounding any pda or the status of our relationship to other people. Everything they were asking for in regards to the privacy of our relationship was basically asking me to keep it a secret. As for communicating issues, they always expected me to initiate every single conversation. They expected me to read their mind and always say whats wrong or are you ok. Even then, they would always end up saying i dont want to talk about it. None of our issues were ever resolved. If I was sharing my feelings they would find a way to blame me for how I feel and not take any accountability. Also they always said that they were in it for the long haul and keep leading me to believe that this was true and never really wanted to let me know until after the fact that they had changed their mind. After asking for the break, we spoke and she basically told me that the lifestyle she wanted to live would not be fair to me. She wanted to be able to make decisions without worrying about how they would affect me. I want to move forward but I really did pour my heart and soul into this person hoping that they would appreciate it or at least care even a little bit. I'm here feeling the depths of pain that they have caused me and they are fine and dandy. "Living their best life" posting a lot on social media. I also have to note that it's extra hard because we live together and need to finish out the lease. I feel tortured. I want to just move forward with my life without thinking about this person 24/7. Seeing this is a constant reminder of how easily their threw the relationship away because they couldn't communicate and did not put any effort into resolving any issues. It feels like a breakup but everytime i asked if it was a breakup they would say break. It just doesn't make any sense. I hope I'm not crazy.
@oliveOrange4335 You seem very literate from what you've written. This bring back a lot of negative emotions on my end. I wish i could explain my thoughts like you have in an orderly manner. The reason i say this is I went through/(possibly still going through?) something eerily similar only she didn't ask for a break, she wanted to pretend nothing ever happened between us. It went from her saying we were soulmates to her saying things wouldn't have happened the way i imagined them in my head. (She liked making me sound crazy near the end aswell) Near the end i could tell something was off, she wasn't being as open and honest as she normally was. I felt like i was being left out of the loop or that she was distancing herself. When she started blaming me for the way things were i reminded her she wasn't as innocent as she thought she was. Her response was always that she didn't know what she wanted out of life yet, like that absolved her of all wrongdoing. Sofar its been about 6 months of no contact,(it’s what she wanted) not sure if she plans on coming back at all, might be for the best. I've been trying to move on and forget her. I wish i had the answer to this, but since my situation wasn't really resolved i don't really have a solution.
I don’t want to give you the wrong advice, just know you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. You're not crazy, idk what their intentions are. Sounds like they might want to explore their options and see if they can do better. It seems like it's the new world we're in these days. I don't want to blame all women and call everyone a manipulative narcissist like everyone seemed to do on the internet when i was trying to find answers 6 months ago. Humans are complex creatures, maybe a psychologist would know more. Your situation might still be salvageable while she's in your life though. You might be able to work things out. Try to have another conversation with her and really try to understand where shes coming from. Put your listening ears on and pick her brain, find out what her intentions are and how she views you/the situation you're in/the future/what she really wants/needs. Just don’t come off as pushy or needy, you don’t want to drive a bigger wedge inbetween you.
A recent podcast I listened to popped into my head. Jordan
Peterson #307 at around 1hr 8min mark he talks about listening.
(listening to the whole podcast wouldn’t hurt) There's always more to learn. (https://youtu.be/B_373YVlnDA?t=4035)
@oliveOrange4335 I am so sorry this is happening. I am going through something similar. I actually also dated someone who didn't want to tell people we were dating. I feel like it was a way of avoiding things getting "serious" but it was very hurtful to me. It sounds like your partner really maybe wants to be single right now. I feel similar to you about someone who was avoidant, like if they do have some feelings, why won't they give it a chance? It really sucks. I am a "go-getter" type of person and will put in effort for a connection that matters to me. I have to just have faith that I will match with someone with a more similar mindset in that way, and I hope you are able to too over time. And who know maybe after some time and work on herself she will be in a better place...The uncertainty is definitely rough we just have to take a step at a time.
@oliveOrange4335 How are you doing? Has your situation improved at all? Are you still on a break with your partner or have you moved on?
@oliveOrange4335
you’re not crazy, I just went through something similar, and those people just don’t deserve the love we gave them. Honestly it sounds to me like she was being manipulative with the expecting you to put in all the work in a relationship. You don’t deserve that. I hope you find some peace soon
I cant read the thread for some reason but I hope everything is going well and everything works out for you.
