Rough breakup.
(Me)M[18], F[17]We’ve been together for one year and we only had a few weeks to go till our anniversary was approaching. Earlier before 2021 and the breakup started I told her that if I were to start a biological family of mine it would be with her, and she wasn’t too fond of that idea and told me that she doesn’t want to have kids, she felt like it was an unnatural thing for her and i understood and said that it’s okay, We can always adopt and do some other alternative that we can still raise our own and she agreed. Around February On the day of Vday, I was looking forward to spending all day with her, but on the day of; she told me she wanted a break. And I held back my disappointed voice and emotions and that’s fine.. just come to me whenever you need anything and she went on about her day. 3 weeks later i was going through a mental burn out crisis and I came to her for help, she agreed to help me and we had our moment, and I asked her if we could start talking a little bit again because i missed her and whenever I talked to her my anxiety always calmed down. She agreed and said it’ll be alright. Two days later, while I was texting her giving her a small paragraph of how amazing she was and how much I loved her, She didn’t seem like she wanted to reciprocate, then she said “Look as much as I love you, I can’t be with you. I can’t fulfill your wish of making a family and I would rather you be happy with someone else who can give that for you, I don’t wanna waste your time or hurt you in the future ” I was shocked, but I didn’t want to detest her because she seemed upset anyway, so I just agreed. She offered that we can be friends and me being stupidly hopeful and wanting to get her back, I agreed to be friend zoned. But I was hurting still, I still had hard feelings for her and I had no idea how she felt about this completely. It came out of nowhere and it seemed like something we could’ve talked over. So after a few days I came to her and I was at my most vulnerable state crying out to her thinking she’d understand and tell me everything like she usually do, but she said word for word “I don’t know if you’re crying to me to make me feel sorry for you but it’s not working. What the hell do you want from me!?” And I felt everything break, I felt a whole bunch of disgust, and negativity come from her when she was saying that.. she went on to say “I didn’t like like you like that, even if I did I still wanted to be just friends” “I don’t understand what’s wrong with being friends, is it not enough for you? Do you want me to say I love you so you can feel better and sleep at night??” “Friends can kiss and cuddle and do anything that couples can do, it’s just an Americanized thing, there is no difference” “unlike you I took time to myself and worry about what I want” “I don’t care how selfish this sounds but it feels good being the center of attention for once” “I can’t fix everything for you and I’m tired of mothering you, it’s not my job!” and I wanted to physically throw up from what I was hearing.. and I asked her why did she do all this, we were together for a whole year, if you didn’t feel the feelings I felt for you WHY did you not say anything when you had the chance earlier!? And all she could reply was “one year is nothing compared to a lifetime, you can experience longer with someone else” and I just cried like a mess and left the conversation there. A few days later I called her, she picked up being all friendly with me pretending she didn’t put my heart through a grinder the other day and I told her “I don’t want to be your friend, I’m sorry” and before I could go on to explain further, she hung up on me and blocked me on everything we had with eachother and took me off her subscriptions and what not. I am now realizing she hurt me, lead me on, and used me. She did everything she said she wouldn’t do. I’m extremely hurt.
I think if she told you from the start that she was going to do those things to you, she probably is not in a good place herself. I don't know what's going on in both of your lives on a deep level, but it sounds like she isn't and wasn't prepared for that very in depth, committed relationship. She may have attacked you like that because she herself felt attacked by the sudden desire of long-term commitment that comes with a family. It feels like there might be a lot unsaid on her part to you, as to why she doesn't feel comfortable with the things you want. I don't think she wants to talk about it either. I think she probably feels overwhelmed by the thought of taking care of someone else along with herself... something I'm assuming is almost to much for her as is, truly caring for herself. I'm so sorry this happened and that she couldn't support you in the way you needed her to. Sometimes people don't act the way we hoped or needed them to, but we have to understand that they are also people with a whole other world going on inside of them. I think working through this on your own (even if just for now) without her is a good step. She's not at a point right now where she can help so it's good that you're seeking out help in other places. I've had a similar situation happen before and what helped me was to invision the parts of them that are wholesome and good, and speaking to that part of them, say "I forgive you, I'm sorry, I forgive myself." (Take some deep breaths while you imagine that and kind of meditate on forgiving and letting go. Also gratitude for the little things you have by yourself.) Building self worth is so important and I feel like this really helped me. (I hope it does for u too.) Ideally, she would be willing to help and I think she wants to but the commitment scared her off. If she's 17, to her she's not even an adult yet. She probably has a hard time processing being an adult, let alone being a mother. You aren't wrong in any way, shape or form for saying how you feel, so please don't regret it too much. It just comes down to a difference in values for the present moment. I also want to add perhaps the reason she blocked you is because of something some people do (I am NOT saying at ALL this is what you were doing, just maybe what she thought) was emotional manipulation to stay in a relationship. (Unfortunately this happens a lot) I think an important thing to ponder upon is is she a good friend? Is she someone you would want as a friend if you weren't attracted to her? I think that's probably what she's pondering.
Thank you. I’m really hurt and I feel like our entire year of our relationship was just us being friends with a lot of benefits to her. Before we dated she was a really good friend, but now I want time to myself because the breakup wound is fresh and she quickly moved on from that and just like wants friendship and I wasn’t ready for that, so I’m glad she cut me out of her life, I wish I explained more to her before she cut me off but i guess she did that to not wanna feel any more pain and looking out for herself from now on
I'm glad I could (hopefully) help in some way, know it probably feels really heavy right now but I agree with you that she's just going on a different path at the moment. It sounds like you both had very different ideas of what your relationship was and that's really rough to have it all crumble down so quickly. I'm glad that you can see the positive sides of her not being in your life right now because that's a big thing to accomplish. Just know that you did a good job in 1. Speaking up for yourself and saying what you feel and 2. That you're growing to be okay with it when it doesn't turn out as u hoped for. Like I kinda said earlier but just want to reiterate, I don't think you caused her pain or hurt her, I think she just has her own pain and is hurt in her own way and maybe having someone want something more from her was too much to handle, but that doesn't mean that you are, or that your feelings are.
Update: Well it turns out that she’s not attracted to men anymore and came out to everyone yesterday. Im glad she found herself and discovered newer things about herself and what she wants in life. I kinda saw it coming because when we used to date she HATED other girls and used to bring down so many other girls for the most smallest reasons and it got weird and I have told her to relax with doing that before and she did but she just didn’t do it around me. But still glad she came to terms with something she was struggling with. But I’m still bitter about how she went on about it last time, but I won’t hold a grudge. I forgive her but won’t forget what she said. We’re still not friends and I don’t intend to be her friend anytime soon because she’s bad news. As much good memories and so many common interests we had together she’s changed and we see things extremely different and has said some hurtful words. not to mention the history we had, I still need time to heal. But other than that I’ve been better, I’ve been talking to newer people and “dating” others in most ways, I might have found a new love interest but we’re taking it slow, i feel a lot more happier and much more comfortable in this new chapter I’m beginning.
