So conflicted...

@Minisnoflakez

to be honest I think it's make or break time. I think he has to understand that he has to actively demonstrate that he can be trusted, by for instance showing you the phone email texts, the lot, and insisting that you read them.

You need to decide whether, if you met him tomorrow for the first time, you would want to be with him.

Obviously it's up to you what you decide. But I don't know how you can compromise on those, and still respect yourselves and each other.

@minisnoflakez

I feel like I'm going through your exact situation! I snooped as well. Agreed, not my proudest moment. My husband and I have been together since 2009, married the 1st time in June 2011 but never filed the paper work (no money), however, we officially got married at the clerks office in February of this year. In 2010 he cheated on me. I packed me and my bio daughter up and went to a hotel. He begged me to come back, swore it was the biggest mistake and he would prove his love. Fast forward... He did change, hence the 2018 marriage. But I think he did it again. No real proof though. It's been 8 years since he cheated, and I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again. We're just starting marriage counseling to see if we can fix it. I'm so angry inside though. We have a few issues (more than I will bore you with here). I just wanted to reach out to you to say you're not alone. And while I don't know you and you don't know me, my ♥ goes out to you. I wish you the best of luck!

@Minisnoflakez

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

We fight sometimes as pretty much everyone does and his turn to statement is "do you want to get a divorce" or "how do you want to split everything up"...(He is not handling things like a mature adult when he is saying those things. He is willing to end things at the signs of arguments without working on a resolution, in my opinion it will be very difficult and causes anxiety dealing with someone like this. He is also doing this as a manipulation, on order to stop the argument and the conversation.) I think he knows this is what would get to me as I have been divorced in the past (He is using it on purpose to get you to do what he wants because he knows this works. He is being childish and manipulative) - my ex cheated on me with someone he worked with. We always get over it (I don't think you "get over it" because it builds more anxiety in you and then it becomes difficult for you to communicate after he uses his manipulative statements) and talk about changing things (At this point he is telling you what you want to hear, he means it, but after a 1-3 weeks he will begin to behave inconsistent where his words don't match his actions) and what we each need to work on but we just fall back into the same old habits. (You both have certain amount of trauma and issues, so you are both triggering each other.)

He is really unhappy at work so I get that he is very stressed and try to let things go a lot of the time because of it. (In other words "Ill let things go no matter how i feel because i don't want to cause trouble". This mindset will built up resentment in you, he will take things out on you and then he will take you for granted) But lately (the last few weeks especially) he has been very cagey. (He is feeling smothered and shuts down when things gets tough) I'll ask him what he is doing and he'll tell me he is playing a game on his phone - (I think he is being short because the phone is becoming a priority and it keeps distance between you two) but I can literally see that he is texting someone. He falls asleep with his phone under his pillow or in his hand but we were driving somewhere a week or so ago and a name I don't know pops up on his truck's display - Amy. I ask who it is and he says its someone from work and that they text him on his personal phone because he ignores his work phone when he's at home. (This is an excuse he is using to defend himself) I let it go. (In other words "I let it go because i don't want to cause an argument, he might use his manipulative lines, and im afraid to speak up", however this built up resentment inside of you and then it makes you feel even more unhappy) He continues hiding his phone (This is suspicious, if he had nothing to hide then he wouldn't be hiding his phone) but tripped up and left it out while he took a shower two days ago.

I'm not going to say that snooping in his phone is my proudest moment but...Amy - he is chatting with her about how we aren't working out and aren't probably going to stay together (He is communicating things to her, but unwilling to discuss things with you...This tells me he is getting closer to her behind your back. His actions are not a good sign at all...) and about how he's bad and blah, blah, blah. A bunch of awkward feeling each other out stuff and him talking about what type of person he could be with. To me, this is straight up cheating. (Its not cheating, but it could lead to it eventually.)

I confront him - ask who Amy is - I'm mad - (In here you are feeling anxious, scared and disconnected) I didn't even read everything in the messages because I was so mad (I wish I had because he deleted them so I have no idea how bad it got). Amy is a girl he works with. I tell him its over (I get the feeling you were not serious about this statement. I could be wrong, but you should stick to your decision when you say things like that) and he says that he will do whatever it takes. I told him years ago that the one way to get me to leave for sure is to cheat on me...he doesn't think he cheated - he says he hasn't touched anyone since we've been together. (He lacks the ability to empathize and to soothe you, so often he will behave dismissive with your feelings)

I feel weak - I want to try to figure it out but I also don't. I told him that we need to see a therapist and he can't talk to girls that I don't know. (First you told him it's over (which you should have stick to your guns) and now you say "we need to see a therapist", this is contradictory behavior. Is either the relationship is over (it should) or you want to work things out?. The part "You can't talk to girls i don't know" tells me you are trying to control who he talks with and to reduce your level of anxiety because of your past. This behavior will push him away) But he WORKS with this girl - how can I trust him?! (I wouldn't after his actions) Yesterday - the day after - I ask if he prefers a male or female therapist so that I can work on finding one right now (This tells me you are 100% into this, while he is below that. You should find one for yourself) and he says "do you want to try without one first"...(This means he doesn't see he has a problem or issues, and possibly blames you for everything when it takes two to make a relationship) which makes me wonder if he even is all in. (He isn't in this at all)

I plan on going to a therapist one way or another - for myself. (You should because you can only control what you do, it's obvious he is not willing to work on things or see a therapist) But, is it even possible to trust him again....is it worth it to try...(It isn't after what you shared. You deserve far better than this) will he keep doing and just cover his tracks better....so many questions and so few answers.