Stuck in rollercoaster cycle
My husband and I have been stuck in a cycle for the past year and a half where someone (usually him) says that he doesn’t think this will ever work, then i get mad and shut down for a few days then we gradually start getting a long again and things seem okay for a couple months and the cycle repeats.
we have barely hugged or kissed for the past year and a half and I don’t know what to do to move forward.
I think j we would have actually split if we didn’t have a two year old and a house together. Don’t know what to do to break the cycle either positively or negatively.
I have been on the roller coaster a hellva long time and it does not fix itself
i am at a point to cut loose because the NICE chats that get us to be ok for awhile are no longer working.......
make it clear (not suggestions ) of what you want and what you will not tolerate anymore ....
people walk on eggshells hoping someone sees the light........ that does not work.
@blueSea1097- I am going to suggest the obvious. Have you both considered couples counseling. Learning about communicating together with a professional might be beneficial in breaking the roller coaster cycle. Best of luck to you.
Thank you @barncat. I have definitely considered it and frequently suggested it but my husband is adamantly against it. He thinks it’ll just tell us stuff we already know and that there’s no point.
@blueSea1097,
the goal of couples therapy is to learn to communicate again. To understand you both have feelings and needs. To express them and to not run into discussions and arguments. To act out of love and kindness. To not point at the other but to ask yourself what you can do to improve the relationship.
It is not about saving relationships, it's about foundation and common grounds. Is your partner aware of that? It wouldn't harm if you guys find a therapist you both might feel comfortable with, let him spill his guts and worries in a one on one session with an appropriate therapist first (he should have to raise beyond his doubts and feel comfortable with the therapist, if not, find another one, do your homework first).
Tell him you love him, believe in him, and want to commit to make things work. Ask him how he feels when you tell this to him. Do not argue. Tell how you feel. Ask how he feels.
In my opinion, people give up too soon. They withdraw, give up, look at all that is negative and forget to listen to their heart. And they stop listening. To themselves.
Take care.
I’m sorry to hear this I can relate. I’m also stuck in a cycle with my significant other. Do you feel like you two would be ok with co parenting? Maybe you could try a mutual separation and co parent? It might bring you together or at least stop the cycle. Maybe couples therapy if you are not quite ready to call it off yet 🤷♀️ I hope you are able to break the cycle and feel better soon 🙏
Sometimes the hard thing is the right thing. Staying together for a child isn't always the best thing for the child. I'm a child of divorce and my parents coparented extremely well, and I'm really thankful they decided to get divorced because they're both happier and healthier now.
I've also been through a divorce and recognize it's overwhelming to even consider unraveling something so fundamentally intertwining. Finances, emotions, mental health. It's all really, really hard. But sometimes it's the right decision.
It sounds like your husband doesn't want to seek help, maybe it's time to find an individual therapist to help you navigate this difficultly?
@blueSea1097- hoping you are able to find direction in your relationship. In my case individual counseling has been beneficial - getting support for feelings and goals. We cannot force or change a spouse's mind. Only our response to the situation.
Once I came to terms and acceptance to leave the relationship I found I was actually able to move forward together. It ended up being my choice. And it has been through appropriate support from a skilled counselor.
But stay tuned, it hasnt been easy. I totally understand how it feels to be in a rollercoaster.
