Successful Co-Parenting
As a young mother in a co-parenting relationship with the father of her child I wanted to provide some voice to those in a similar situation. More importantly, I wanted to illustrate that it IS possible to have a civil separation, and children who thrive despite the pain that follows drastic changes in the family dynamic.
After three years together, Brian and I decided to relocate... separately. (There are extenuating circumstances here that certainly play a role in why our relationship didn't survive, but that is a story for a different thread.) Three is a delicate age for any child. At first our son had a difficult time adjusting to split homes and shared visitation. My son became very emotionally sensitive and suffered from stress induced nightmares. But, with love, communication, and consistency in both homes we were able to brave the storm and I am happy to report we are all doing better than ever.
Brian and I have made it a mutual matter to make our son the priority without dragging one another through emotional turmoil at the expense of our son's wellness. So many people are shocked to hear that we spend time, the three of us, together on family outings, enjoy cocktails once a month, and continue to hug and laugh in each other's presence. I understand this is rare and precious, but my friendship with Brian, as well as mutual conscious respect, is what has walked us through this hardship hand in hand without the often damaging effects a separation can have.
Please share your stories here. What are your struggles in a blended family? What are your triumphs?
Additional Reading: Co-Parenting After Separation
Oh I need lots of help with this. I just wrote out an entire explanation of my situation and lost the entire thing. Very frustrating. Does anyone still follow this thread? I'd like to start a discussion, could really use the help
Welcome @Reserved. This is a young thread but I hope you find a home here. I will do my best to promote it this weekend. Take care. 
Thank you, I am so desperate. I struggle daily with the emotions tied to this situation and I don't know exactly what to do. I read am absolutely amazing book called "the career girl's guide to being a stepmom". Even if you are a stepdad, the principals are the same. It was a fantastic way to put alot of these emotions we feel into words. The problem with my situation is that my fiance doesn't want to do anything but react to thus situation. We have talked and talked and I've begged to try to get a game plan for some common situations to help me acclimate, and he says he will but he never follows through.
@reservedOwl8682
It is very easy to feel isolated during this transitional family dynamics. Being a step-parent is one of the most difficult tasks in all the world, especially if there is a communication barrier and/or tension in the marriage. Have you considered bringing in a third party? I understand men do not like to feel helpless.
I applaud you for doing some additional research and finding a relevant book during your difficult situation. Reading has often been my favorite place to hide and reminds us we are never truly alone.
Take care.
He refuses to get help with this. I truly feel like I'm on my own. It's easier for us to not talk about it than for him to sit down and discuss it with me and it's literally making me feel like I'm just a babysitter. I can't stress enough how much of a difficult time I'm having with this. I don't feel like I can even talk to him about it anymore
I would really like to affirm you for what you and Brian have done and are doing for your son. And i think this is invaluable and encouraging for others. Thank you.From my experience children are mostly likely to come through their parent's separation well, if the two adults can communicate in the child's best interests. This isn't easy when there is all the emotion, the hurt and sadness andmaybe anger and confusion involved inthe breakdown of a relationship going on. But finding a way to put their own issues aside while they focus on the children's welfare can make such a difference and is so important to their children.
@rozie, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I couldn't agree more. I wanted to stress here that it IS possible, and oh so important for our children.
Co-parenting can be next to impossible, in my opinion, if either or both of the parents are unable, or unwilling, to put aside their negative feelings for each other or the divorce/ breakup, and work together for the best interests of their child(ren). This is, in my opinion, a sad and frustrating reality for many families.
There are options, at least where I live, to assist in these situations. Parenting specialists, some websites that act as a sort of transparent way of communication, etc.
@Roadie @Laura
Well said.
@LilyListens
What, in your opinion, can improve the success of co-parenting? Any tips?
@RoadieI think if both parents can be mindful to put the best interests of the children first, that is the best scenario for everyone. That said, unfortunately, sometimes one or both parents are either unable or unwilling to do this.
When that occurs, I think that their are many options available, many choices a parent can make. These include (where I live)but are not limited to, parenting consultants, and websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com
In my opinion, the safety of all persons should be a top priority, as well as emotional support.
I would really like to hear your thoughts on this, @Roadie and @BlitheSun94
@LilyListens
I love that you put an emphasis on selflessness and personal responsibility. This is so important. Often times people become so consumed in their own pain they are unwilling or unable to cope. However, there is a great deal of choice involved. As a mother who does struggle and has dark days, I can affirm that I am proactive in my wellness and am not above apologizing to my son when the time comes. I think pride and humility are also important in these scenarios. I applaud Brian and I for being brave enough to cry on the living room floor together through some intensely painful conversations as our relationship died at our feet. It was no one's fault. Individuals enduring a separation can quickly become egotistic, defensive, antagonistic, resentful, and concerned with material items or ownership only to lay their children on the therapy alter. Many times this can evolve into plain abuse. I feel most fortunate in that my father's son and I made a conscious decision to attempt solutions with our son's best interest at heart. He is a good man. I will never understand why former lovers drag each other though hellfire. It is important to remember however that this dynamic must be MUTUAL in order to work. If one or the other party is malicious or immature the foundation of good family will falter. It takes two.
@blithesun94 Sounds like you and Brian have found a way to successfully co-parent together. I think that is wonderful, a priceless gift to everyone involved. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for your input and kind words.
It is an important topic, and one parents everywhere can benefit from- separated or not.
@blitheSun94 You are welcome, and I agree.
*bump*
@blitheSun94, thank you for writing this, I'm so grateful.
I grew up in an unstable home and when my parents separated it took a huge toll on me. I'm so proud of you and Brian for recognising what your son needs and giving it to him despite the odds.
I understand that this might not be easy to do for you, but you're doing it nevertheless. I hope going forward, you and Brian, continue to provide the best environment for you son to nourish in.
@DHawks Thank you for your kind enough encouragement. My parents were never together so I felt a lot of residual pain and guilt in the beginning. I do agree, however, that two healthy separated parents outweighs two dysfunctional live in parents every time.
I am currently struggling with the co parenting issue. My ex and I recently split and we just finally settled out of court, after battling terribly over the past 8 months. He tried to take her away from me and he was very abusive/controlling in the relationship. I am doing my best to let that all go and move forward in our daughter's best interests, but he won't let go of the hate or the bitterness. He feels that his way is the only way and has no respect for me. I don't know how to make this co parenting thing work but I want to, for my daughter. Your story inspires me but I just don't see it ever being possible for us. It takes two, and right now - even though I'm not perfect - I'm the only one trying. Any advice?
I should add that our daughter is only 16 months old. She's not adjusting very well. She's acting out and becoming very aggressive and emotional. I just want to do what's right for her and I believe we need to put a stop to the anger and hostility and just move forward, but I can't get him to see that.
My heart goes out to you @MommyOfOne37 as you struggle with working out the co-parenting of your daughter. Its not easy and especially to begin with.I'm glad you found inspiration here and want to encourage you to keep doing what you are in providing stability for her. Young and as she is, she is affected, and likely reacting to the stress. So its important you look after your self too and get support from others.
After separation is a difficult time and as you said you and your ex have been through a lot in the last 8 months.There is all the emotion, which can include the anger and bitterness, you are talking about. In order to work out the co-parenting the focus needs to be on the best interests of the child. And the emotion left out of this. Not always easy to do.I wonder if it would help your ex to have some where to deal with the emotional upheaval, say therapy or similar. Its going to take time..and support from others. We are here for you too.
@rozie, Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate the encouragement, and it's nice to know that - even though it's hard and seems impossible - I'm trying to do the right thing for my daughter. I have thought about suggesting some sort of counseling for the two of us together, as I was told that there are places that offer counseling specifically for separated individuals trying to coparent. I don't think he'd agree but I guess it couldn't hurt to ask. In the end, I'll know I did all I could to try to get him to see eye to eye with me. I just hate feeling so helpless when I know our daughter will be the one who's most affected if he doesn't put his anger aside. I'm not perfect, by any means... but I am trying to be respectful of him. And I've ALWAYS made sure not to step in the way of he and our daughter's relationship, even through the worst of times (like when he was trying to take her away from me and prove me unfit in court). It's so hard for me to look back and wonder how on earth we ever even got so bad, but I can't change the past... only the present. It really kills me that I can't get him to see how important it is that we move forward as a team. More often than not, I feel so defeated and like it's not even worth my stress and anxiety anymore... but then I look at my daughter and I realize that if I give up, she'll have no one trying to do the right thing for her - since her dad isn't ready to try yet. I have to keep trying to push him in the right direction, for her sake. Thanks again for the motivation and the encouragement. Hopefully, soon, I will be able to share good news of our coparenting journey, rather than bad news.
@MommyOfOne37
It always makes my heart sing to see you all sharing positive love and support with one another. For many of us, 7 Cups Is Our Only source. Thank you!
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. As you said, it does take two. The best piece of support I can offer has already been mentioned. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, and the rest will fall into place with time. Our children pick up on our stress and anxiety. Not only does it become their own, but children have a unique ability to blame themselves in these situations. Be sure to eat well, rest when needed, take warm baths, surround yourself with love, and find a creative or physical outlet. If you are falling apart, you will have nothing to give. Unfortunately I know this from experience. I have never carried stress well and I could see that it was affecting my son. I offered him a tearful apology and promised him change. We still have hard days, but we are making it through very well. I amean so proud of him. Also, I know your daughter is young, but it is so important to keep the dialogue open on this issue so she knows she can express herself in a healthy way. This will also allow you to clarify misconceptions. It took my son a while to learn that I still love and care for his father, but we will no longer be living together. Be careful not to blame yourself. I commend you for your efforts. Best wishes!
Thank you so, so much @blitheSun94. Your words have touched my heart! This is one of my only sources of support and encouragement right now, so it really helps. I love my daughter and I do still love her father - for reasons I'm not entirely sure of - and I just want the best for her. I keep trying to tell myself that God has a plan (I'm a woman of faith, or at least I'm trying to be) and that "what's meant to be, will be" but it's exceptionally difficult. Like you, I've never carried stress well. I'm a very emotional human being, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's hard for me to remain level-headed sometimes. But my daughter has really brought that out in me, more so than ever before... because I don't want my stress and my occassional emotional instability to affect her in any way. I'm struggling to get past my relationship being over but it wasn't a healthy relationship. I'm confused at my feelings of love and longing for her father, I didn't expect to feel that way at all after what he put me through, and it's making coparenting even harder than it already is. I can only hope to get to a point where I can do it confidently, without feelings of insecurity or fear. Thanks again for your support and encouragement. Every little bit helps when you live in a world where you don't hear it very often. <3
@MommyOfOne37
Yes ma'am! So very glad to be of some help! :)
@MommyOfOne37
I am facing a similar situation as you are. My husband filed for divorce and I have no way of stopping him. I am afraid that he will take both children (2year and 11months) and I agreed to 50-50 child custody. I am trying my best to keep up with him so that he won't take my kids away from me. We are still working out on our co-parenting life.
I know how hard it is, @etc15. I think I agreed to what I did out of the same kinds of fear you have, and it hurts to know that I wasn't entirely comfortable with it. But all I can do now is pray that it was the right move for my daughter's well-being. Hang in there, keep in touch if you need to. I wouldn't mind sharing pieces of my coparenting journey with you if you need advice, support, encouragement, etc. <3
Also, here are some parenting books that have really helped me. ♡
Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear From You
Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings
What about when there is abuse? Such as with mommyofone37. I have gone through a terrible divorce with my abusive ex husband and the abuse continues. Because we have joint custody it provides him with the abitlity to continue to make my life miserable any way he can. And he always threatens to take me to court if I don't "follow the parenting plan". Trying to co parent with an abusive ex is really like punishing the victim who is trying to get out. It is really sad but it breaks my heart to see someone continue to be abused all in the name of "parental rights". Why should anyone be given the right to abuse others.
I hope it does not sound like I am on a rant, maybe I am? I really understand the benefits of good co parenting but in abusive situations it is just a disaster. And for some it can end up being deadly.
@Lemomma4
I would have to say this is the opposite of co-parenting. As a child of abuse, I understand you can't have both a loving, supportive environment for all parties, as well as, a manipulative, threatening, and sometimes violent relationship with the other member(s) of your family. My heart breaks for you. I would say abuse is always the exception to the rule. If you feel your child is in danger, it is your right and responsibility to protect yourself and him/her, through the courts if necessary.
I do realize what I have with my ex is an incredible and rare gift in terms of fractured families that find a new normal. I understand it is uncommon. I understand there are variables out of my control, and there are still night's I cry into my pillow with feelings of guilt and inadequacy for my son's loss. I have made it clear communication is so important, talking about our feelings is a viable coping skill, and none of this is his fault.
My point here was only that it is possible and worth every effort to have a unified front while raising your children, even while separated. However, abuse certainly prioritizes itself above any attempt to maintain a working relationship, in my opinion. Only if and when this issue is addressed can you move toward a more common goal, or none at all.
Do you have support? 
Thank you for sharing.
@blitheSun94
Thank you for your response.
I am struggling to find support and make a better life for myself and the children. But the courts have not done much to help. It has been a struggle and I am in a small, rural community that does not have much to offer an abused, single mother. When you are up against an abusive, lying ex spouse who has much more money and power than you it makes it difficult. But I am trying!
@Lemomma4
You're welcome. I remember this being very difficult on my mother also. I hope for a positive outcome for you very soon. Remember, you can always find support here. ♡
My husband and I separated before I found out I was pregnant. I'm currently 5 months pregnant. When I first found out I was pregnant, he was really sh*tty towards me. He ended up jumping into another relationship and I was really hurt and heartbroken. We didn't talk for a month then finally on the first ultrasound I had him there. It was nice and all I thought I got over everything but I guess I didn't. I really tried to have him around throughout my pregnancy. But the more I saw and spoke to him just brought back so much of the bad memories. Now, I can't even stand seeing him or speaking to him because I'm back to being angry and sad once again. I'm glad he come to his senses to be a father to his child but I don't know how to practice co-parenting while the baby is still in my womb. I want to be able to co-parent with my "husband" once my child is born. On top of the emotional hormones, it doesn't make moving on and letting go easy. I feel like giving up sometimes but I know I can't. I have to keep going for my son.