Sudden and confusing breakup

@bryk1252

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

Today was the last day of school, and so all the kids in my area are now free for the summer (from school). About two and a half weeks ago, we got into a bit of a nasty fight which was extremely rare for us as we did not fight often. During this fight, which lasted about two days, we both misunderstood the other and as result, both ended up with hurt feelings. I wasn't answering his texts because I needed some time to cool off and compose my thoughts (I don't like being rash and saying things I will regret). (I can understand why you would do this, emotions tend to get the better of us at times during arguments so they tend to get heated very quickly. I feel that in the next argument or heated discussion it would be good to openly say you need time to calm) So he called me, and asked if he could come over so we coud talk it out. I agreed and he came over, and we sat on the front porch to talk it out. At first, because neither of us knew about the other person's view of this fight, it was just more fighting but then we started to talk about it in a way that was productive to ending the argument. He was hurt when the idea of us breaking up came up, and was very set on not wanting us to break up (the idea made him tear up), and just wanted the argument to end. We made up, after he told me that he just wanted us to be together happily and that he knows he gets angry very easily (he has some anger issues) (This is a red flag, I could see why he would have this anger because its related to his family and how at times it can be hard for him to stay calm, but this will usually will bring a lot issues if he doesn't work through this anger issues he has) and that he wanted me to help him learn how to not grow so angry so easily. (I don't know how i should feel about this...this in a way adds pressure on you. He seems to have certain issues that can only be solved with a therapist) We ended up going out for icecream and a walk, and it ended up being a good night.

. I called him and he said that while he was a size L, I shouldn't buy him anything. In fact, he was EXTREMELY insistent that I DO NOT buy him anything. ( i can understand he wouldn't want the shirt, but his reaction was just too overboard. Usually these kind of actions has to do with him not wanting you to think the wrong thing about him, so he prefers you don't buy him things)

At the end of the call, he told me he was currently at work, but would be off in 30 minutes. He asked if he could come to my house after work if I would be home then, and the way he phrased it made it seem like he just wanted to hang out, as he occasionally wanted to after he got off work (he sometimes works SUPER late, and so when he gets off at a decent hour and isn't too tired to, he would ask to see me). I agreed, said I love you, and hung up. At the time, not knowing what was coming, I didn't take notice if he said it back or not, and to this day I have no idea if he did. I wish I had thought to take notice. (Its okay if you didn't take notice of this, it was hard to predict what would happened next. His behavior seemed off at this point, it went from a happy day to all of the sudden a change of moods)

I went home, and decided I was looking a little rough and wanted to look cute for when my boyfriend showed up to spend time with me. I brushed my hair, changed my outfit, and put some makeup on while I waited for him to come over. A little while later, he called and asked if I was home (I was), and said that he was, "on his way over so we could talk". (His tone and actions are coming across as eager and a bit demanding, its like he wanted to talk now without thinking if you were busy or doing something else at the time.) I said okay and we hung up. I thought that wording was a little strange, (It is, those are the words of someone who wants to talk at the time he wants since something was on his mind) but didn't take much notice in it because that day at school he had acted fine, we were as affectionate and loving as usual (Its very strange, I had a feeling he is not the type that tends to really get over arguments, challenges and difficulties in a relationship) (even though I was a little tired that day as I had gone to the ER until early AM hours the night previous, not for myself but with a friend). I just assumed he meant talk as in hang out and talk with each other and just spend time with one another.

As I waited, I checked my email on my phone and was excited to see that the items I had ordered for our anniversary had just been shipped, and would arrive the day before our anniversary (May 18). For anyone who's curious, I ordered him a leather money clip-wallet thing, which I had customized to be engraved with a cute saying of ours, and the date we started dating. (Thats really sweet of you to do, it shows how much love and appreciation you have for him) I had also ordered a framed painted portrait of us, from an artist that did realistic portraits based on photos you sent in (I sent her a picture of us at prom, from about a month before). I had saved for these for about two months, and put a lot of thought into it. I got excited, and began thinking about our upcoming anniversary and was happy.

He then texted me, "Come outside so we can talk". (I don't like his tone here, its like he is giving you an order instead of politely saying "Hey I'm here, let me know when you are ready" or "Hey just letting you know im outside" or he could have knock the door himself. He lacks manner in this situation, and it feels theres some hostility behind it) This was now the second time he had used the phrase, "so we can talk", and at this point I knew SOMETHING was up, but never in a million years did I expect what was coming. I guess I just thought he was going to tell me that he had to work the whole week so we would have to have our anniversary date together even later than expected previously, or that he just wanted to plan out our anniversary date night. I'm not sure what I realy expected, but it wasn't for him to out-of-the-blue dump me. (Sorry to hear that, its just awful the way he is behaving at this time, specially after you put a lot of effort for the anniversary)

I went out to the front of my house, and he had already parked. He has an SUV type car, with those large trucks where the door comes up so you can sit in them, and we would often sit there to just talk and spend time together casually. He had this open and was already seated so I walked up and sat. His face looked a little sad, but I just assumed at first that he was tired from working, and asked how work was. He said it was, "fine...." (I noticed that when people say "im fine" or "fine" it means they are things that are on their mind, but they are not willing to share) and then I leaned in to kiss him. This is when I realized something was WRONG, because while he didn't pull away or push my off, he didn't kiss me back either. (That must had been shocking for you, it seemed off his behavior, and its understandable how you are feeling at this moment) I asked him what was wrong, and he sat for a moment, not saying anything but obviously struggling with what to say. Finally, not looking at me, he told me.

He said that he still loved me, so SO much, but that he hadn't been happy for a while and didn't want to have to fake it anymore. (He didn't feel happy with the way his life was going, theres a strong chance that what goes in his unconcious, programming being put on him as child and past hurt are the major reason. I can tell he is the type to hold stuff in for the longest, and then lets it out when he can't hold it in) He said that (because of work) he wasn't going to see me as much over the summer anyways (we had already knew this and planned time for each other for the summer to solve this issue), and how that ALSO wasn't fair to me. (Who is he to choose whats fair on you on this situation? You see, he is choosing for you and thats not okay to do because you would have been more than happy to support him and compromise here and there) He said he still wanted me in his life, and to still be his best friend (In here I can tell he didn't want to be in the relationship for whatever reason, but still wanted to keep you in his life because of the connection you two have.) (he and I had always agreed that we were each other's best friend AS WELL as partner, because we both believed that was important in a relationship) and that we could see what happened during this summer but as of right now he thought we should seperate. (Thats quite hurtful to hear, it never easy hearing those words) I was in shock, and inwardly my heart began to sink but outwardly I didn't do much of anything. (I could see why you would feel this way, its really hurtful hearing his decision because of the love and affection you feel for him) I asked if I had done something wrong, to cause this, and he said no, and I said, "okay". He asked if I wanted a hug (I had always loved his hugs more than anything else), and I said no. He said that he wanted one anyways, (He didn't take notice from when you first "no", and didn't respect the first time you told him that. I don't like his attitude, it feels like he wanted the hug either way) and I said no. He then said, "alright", and we said goodbye and I went inside without looking back at him. Two years of an extremely close relationship (we were dicussing moving in together the following year or two years, when he would be 18 and moving out), (I feel like this kind of talks could have definetly scare him and could have played a role. I have read what you said so far, he comes across as the type of person who would get scared when things like this are closed to getting finalized because of all the past hurt and fears that are involved. Two years of close relationship was the perfect time to talk about it, and let me assure you didn't do anything wrong up to this point. His trauma, past hurt and childhood wounds are the main reason he has ended things. I feel like you are an amazing, incredible, sweet and caring girlfriend, and you didn't deserve the way things ended) four days before our aniversary, and it was over in a matter of minutes. (Its awful...you two build a connection and a bond just to end is that manner...it must had been so hurtful to experience) He drove away, and the minute I was inside I began to sob. (It's okay to cry and feel sad, the conversation was just cold...You have every right to feel the way you do)

I spent that night crying so hard I couldn't see, and desperately trying to cancel and refund the ordered gifts for him for our anniversary. (I can understand why you would feel this way and tried to cancel things, the breakup came as a shock to you)

We didn't talk at all the next day until that afternoon when I realized he had some things of mine I needed him to return. I told him and he came back to my house again that afternoon when he got off from work. He was understanding about it, and told me AGAIN that he "still loved me" and told me how much he still wants me around, and to talk. (This is so unfair on you and its definetly very confusing because he is expressing his feelings, but ended things. This is a sign he felt scared about the future and commitment (it has nothing to do with you, this has to do how he doesn't know how to process emotions and feelings), but then wants to talk with you and hang out. The way he wants to talk and hang out is so the closeness isn't there) I ended up crying, and he hugged me (which made me cry harder) and told me he was sorry he hurt me. I told him that I couldn't be his friend right now, and that I needed time, because it did hurt and I stilled loved him too much to be able to act like his friend. (You did the right thing by telling him all of this because your healing is the priority, not the friendship part. You would have been unatural and manipulative if you had gone along with the friendship because you still love him. The only way you should be friends and in contact is if you have completly move forward with how you feel)

After he left, we ended up texting for a bit. In summary, I basically told him that I wanted him to be happy, whether that was with him dating me or not, and that I eventually did want to still be friends because I didn't want to lose him from my life, but it was still too painful and fresh right now. (You handled this very well, it shows how caring, mature and understanding you are) I told him it wouldn't be fair to either of us to hang out and talk right now when I would likely end up crying every time, and etc. (You did the right thing here, it would have been tough to interact with him after the way things ended, it takes time to heal) He told me he was sorry he hurt me, and that he had thought for a long time about how he wasn't that happy and needed to take time for him and thought we should be apart, (He definetly keep things inside, and then let them out when he can't handle it. The way he said "I wasn't happy for awhile and need to take for myself, and we should be a part" its a sign of fear of intimacy, which its activated when certain conversation appear or talk about the future or if you two had grown apart. There's also a chance he thinks this relationship is making him feel this way, when in reality it has to do internally) and had thought about how to handle that for a while because he didn't want to hurt me. He continuously told me he still loved me. He also said he didn't think how we were going on before was working out, and he needed time, etc. (This is definetly fear of intimacy which has to do with how much emotional closeness a person can handle, so often times if its too much then they would want time and space because they feel uncomfortable with the closeness) A few times he implied that we might eventually get back together. (He would have to adress his issues, and overcome his past before you take him back because if he doesn't then he will do this to you again) He told me to take all the time I needed, and was extremely understanding, and said he was, "only a phone call away". (Nope, he should be the one making the effort to get you back, not the other way around)

I told him that I didn't blame him for how he felt. I also told him that he needed to be straight up with me on his intentions, because while it would hurt to know he didn't ever want to even think about us getting back together, it would hurt more to have false hope and always be expecting it to happen. (True, it is not fair he is telling you all of this. He is being vague and his intentions are all over place. He says he loves you so much and wants you, but then ended things. He said you two could get back together one day, but then doesn't specify when. He is all over the place) He said that I shouldn't expect it, and that "as of right now I don't think we are getting back together but I'm not comepletely throwing the idea out of my head". So it both dissolved any hope I had, and also gave me hope. The way I took it, he said that he doesn't want to get back together right now but who knows what the future holds. It's very confusing for me. (Yeah it is quite confusing, its why it is so important to focus on healing and being in no contact. He has a lot of issues that he needs to solved first, and you don't deserve being stuck on when he will want to comeback)

I was also upset when he said he hadn't felt like we were working together like we had earlier in the relationship for a while, because he had always stressed to me that if I felt like something was wrong or we weren't working he wanted me to communicate that with him so we could talk about it and possibly work on it, something I always did, but he clearly didn't do the same for me since he had felt this way for a while but said nothing and so we instead broke up instead of at least ATTEMPTING to work on whatever the issue was. (Thats true everything you shared here, he wants to know if things might not work out, however he doesn't tell you any of this. He decided to end things without wanting to work things out, and see if things would get better. I don't like the way he handled this breakup, so throughout this time really reflect if this is someone you can trust in relationship because he didn't communicate for awhile and the ended things. I can understand he felt scared and a lot of emotions, but thats not the way to handle things)

It has now been roughly a little over two weeks, and we haven't spoken. I was devasted the first few days after, then mostly just felt...nothing. I was emotionally numb.(It's normal you are feleing this way, its part of separation anxiety and the hurt of the breakup) Our would be anniversary came and went. A mutual friend says that mulitple times now he has complained to them about how he still wants to be my friend and is upset I haven't talked to him. (He is behaving selfish here...so he ended things, but then is upset you didn't accept a friendship..You did the right thing in not going along with the friendship. He wants to be friends with you, but you want the relationship, so theres zero need to settle less for what you want.) A few days ago, he was at a gathering with another mutual friend that I was also at. We weren't uncivil, but didn't speak at all (with the exception of him telling me, "bye dude" as he left, which broke me all over again because he always- jokingly- got mad when I called him "dude" while we were dating since he thought it was unromantic, and he had emphaisized the word so I felt that he was demonstrating that we were JUST friends now). In fact, it seemed like he barely even took notice of me, and he definitely didn't attempt to talk to me at all. (I think he felt rejected when you didn't want the friendship, but he behaving like a spoiled child who didn't get his way.) When his friend tries to talk to him about it, he apparently won't say anything and just changes the subject, but seems otherwise fine. (He is using avoidance tactics because he is too afraid to face emotions and feelings so he changes subject, and pretends to be fine so people don't see him as weak)

I am still sad, and confused. It came out of no where, with no real explanation. (Those are the ones that hurt the most because it was totally unexpected. It's normal the way feel, i would have felt the same way as you) I know he said he wasn't happy, but I don't know WHY he wasn't or what the final straw to make him dump me was. (I do know he has a lot of unresolved issues from his past, he tends to avoid emotions, he tends to use avoidance to deal with thing and doesn't communicate things well so this plays a major role in his decision. I can understand how confused you feel, and it can be quite easy to feel it has to do with you, but i gurantee you it has nothing to do with you) I don't know why he was so insistent on us staying together and excitedly talking about the plans for our anniversary, just for him to break up with me less than a week later and act like he had wanted to do so for a while. He had been FINE the entire day leading up to us breaking up, nothing makes sense. I would almost even say that someone said something to him that made him decide to dump me, though I'd have no idea who or what and I think that just might me me trying to justify it all. I do know for a FACT it wasn't another girl he's interested in that was the reason, as a few people have assumed. I don't know why he kept saying he loves me still, because then if he loves me like he still claims he does why couldn't we at least TRY to work on the problem together before calling it quits. (Compeltly understandable what you said here, and i agree with everything you are saying. They are people who handle things this way out of fear, lack of maturity, lack of openess and this need to get away without facing the issues head. I feel that this is a red flag, and if you two do get back together then he will do again unless he becomes aware of whats going on internally) It's all so sudden, and I have many questions I wish I could ask him. (It's understandable you feel this way because he didn't give you much explanations) I feel like I should be allowed to ask, after he ended our two-year relationship just DAYS before our anniversary that we were both so invested in, but I also think that my asking would just be interpreted as "dragging it out" and clingy and desperate and make me seem weird, emotiona, or crazy. I guess I'll never get the answers I'm looking for. (I honestly feel he won't be able to tell you because he has zero awareness of what goes inside of him)

I don't know what to do, because I'm lost. I want him in my life, but after two years of dating, I don't even know how to act like JUST his friend anymore. I can't just sit there and pretend to be happy and content when I am so, so in love with him. And what if eventually he gets with another girl, and I have to sit by and watch and act happy for them? (This is all true, unfortunetly not being friends is the only way to go. The way you feel its understandable, and it definetly hurts what happened, but the only way to heal is by not being friends) I wish I knew what was on his mind, what's he thinking, and does he think about me? (I'm pretty sure he does Is he even upset? I don't know.

We used to talk all the time, on the phone and in text, and I would tell him EVERYTHING. )If I saw a meme or post on instagram that I thought he would find funny, or reminded me of him, I'd send it to him and now I've lost that too. He was a vital part of my life for over two years (we were friends before we dated), and now that's just....gone. (It's really tough, you two had this routine and now it feels awful not being able to do this

I'm thinking sometime in the next week, after my graduation, I'll text him to see how he's doing and I guess kickstart our new Just Friendship. (This is your choice of course, but I want you to really take a close look at the way he handled everything; 1) He didn't communicate to you all of this sooner, 2) He was rather cold, demanding and lacked manner during that day, 3) He is throwing tantrums because you didn't accept the friendship, 4) He ended things without giving it a chance. Going along with the friendship is being manipulative and trying to force your way in into something romantic because you want more than friendship) I want us to get back together, and I'll encourage that, but if he truly doesn't want to I'm not going to beg, manipulate, or try and force it onto him. Advice and guidance would be appreciated, because I'm lost and heartbroken (however, please only give advice with the thought that I do want us to still be in each others lives, and while I know many people say you shouldn't/can't be friends with your ex, I cannot bear the idea of us never seeing each other/speaking again more than the idea of us never getting back together). (It's quite scary thinking those thoughts, and i could see how it would raise your level of anxiety. You have everything the feel the way you do, and its awful how things ended. He needs to work on his issues (mainly his past childhood trauma and anger issues) and your healing needs to take place before you two can even talk about friendship or relationships. I can completly relate with fears of "i may never see this person again", it feels like unbearable and it definelty hurtful, but at this time he won't be a good partner or friend) Everything is so overwhelming and I miss him so much it almost physically hurts, it's all so confusing and makes no sense. (This is completly normal, its like this physical and emotional pain tend to trigger often while missing him a lot. This is part of separation anxiety, and this is actually more painful than someone dying) Help me figure out where I should go from here, please. Varying opinions and ideas are appreciated.