Support on trauma in marriage
Hi, I’m new here but I can’t afford therapy currently and I don’t know where else to turn.
I have been with my spouse for 7 years and we have been married for 3. Things were great in the beginning and it was like love at first sight. We communicated so well and never had true arguments, only normal disagreements and then everything changed.
My partner developed an alcohol addiction, and started verbally and mentally abusing for years. I think I may have become attached and dependent and I even married him while all of this was going on.
It got so bad that I just cried non stop, I lost my sense of self, and I stopped caring about my appearance or hobbies or anything. He would make me feel worthless. He even cheated on me on 3 different occasions that I know of. As far as I know, it wasn’t physical only online/text, which isn’t any better. I almost left then, but I didn’t.
He lost his job due to drinking and sorta spiraled after that. We finally got him into a psychiatrist and learned he was suffering with bipolar disorder on top of the drinking. It all came to a head when he tried to end his life and I had him committed to an in-patient facility. He quit drinking, he got his meds balanced and he was doing so much better.
But then things changed for me. After all the trauma and mental abuse he put me through, I find myself resenting him and being angry with him all the time. There’s constant tension between us and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I don’t want to be intimate with him nor do I find myself being attracted to him most days. Things I used to love about him, I don’t anymore. And I don’t even get excited to see him or feel anything when he says something sweet to me.
It’s especially hard because I still view him as my best friend and I love him and care about him, but I just don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I’m constantly torn between sticking it out and hoping for the best or leaving because I deserve love that doesn’t make me feel this way.
I told him how I felt in October of 2025 and I told him I would try to figure this out with him because neither of us were ready to give up. But I’m not sure what else to do, I don’t think there’s anything more he can do. I’m at a loss right now. It’s to the point where I have looked for validation outside of my marriage and that is something I have never done.
We made the decision last night to separate for a while (live separately, and still keep in contact) and see if that helps us work this out. And I’m still on the fence on whether or not to just end things now or to keep pushing and not just throw away our marriage. He said he’s willing to do anything to keep us together. But I’m just not sure anything he does will be enough.
I don’t know really know if any of this makes sense, or if anyone can help. I just need support and advice? I don’t know. I have no idea where to turn.
@imaginativeSquare3673
You are not alone... many people who have gone thru a difficult period with spouse have found themselves in same place. I have seen it discussed here and I agree with the idea we love them but are not in love with them. Some get it back others do not.
I am in the middle even after many years. I am not sure I will ever be back to what we once were. As we are older, I look around and think many older just settle for the love like family / best friend and the romantic part is gone... for many that is NOT enough. we want to be in love and all of that.
I found finding myself ... loving myself and not depending on my partner for validation. it is very hard to get over the past; alcoholism has many long-lasting issues. the beginning of quit drinking made him mad. I believe at himself as he knows why things went downhill, but they can lash out. We can feel why bother and let ourselves go or be as mad at everything like they are. Takes more than time to really admit it was their choice.
Part of me misses him drinking as he was more fun. But he made poor decisions, cost us a lot and now when older I feel some health issues are attributable to the drinking. lack of focus and forgetfulness and other health problems. We have bitter reminders of the worst part of our time, and it is hard to not let it make me resentful.
I still (although came a long way) think of what we missed out on. you cannot undo some things. Our attitude and attraction to them can be destroyed by some off hand comment .. or my favorite telling me some made up story about past that was a lie to cover up his addiction time. It is where I have said BS, I was there it was not like that.
Not sure if sharing my version helps but everything you wrote I understand. You need to take care of you first.
@toughTiger6481 thank you. It definitely helps. I really feel like you’re right. I’m too young to settle and I need to put myself first.
I would definitely have a conversation with him about this because you have to gain back trust for him due to the fact he cheated and started having a drinking problem and was mentally and emotionally abusing you to the point you got so drained you ended the one thing you thought was forever so if he really wants it to be forever he can’t cheat nm he can’t drink and he can’t keep treating you like this you need to have an emotional conversation with him and tell him what he’s doing wrong and why it’s hurting you have him fully hear you out then let him talk and reciprocate what you said
I would definitely have a conversation with him about this because you have to gain back trust for him due to the fact he cheated and started having a drinking problem and was mentally and emotionally abusing you to the point you got so drained you ended the one thing you thought was forever so if he really wants it to be forever he can’t cheat nm he can’t drink and he can’t keep treating you like this you need to have an emotional conversation with him and tell him what he’s doing wrong and why it’s hurting you have him fully hear you out then let him talk and reciprocate what you said