The elephant in the room- past breakup has me terrified of my current relationship
About a year ago my ex boyfriend broke up with me , I went through a really tough time and attending counselling for a few months after. It took a long time to come back to myself and out of a depression like state. I started dating again quickly after finding myself in a string of flings , I started seeing someone in the summer someone I liked for a while , and I've found myself in a relationship ...and I'm absolutely terrified because it is only in the last few months I feel like I'm back to myself . Sometimes I think I come across as aloof to him , I find it really difficult to put into words what I'm feeling , I really like him , but I feel like my mental health needs to be the love of my life , I am so terrified that he will break up with me and I will go back into that state of depression. To the point that sometimes when we hang out and its lovely I recognise moments /patterns from the last relationship and my mind alerts me as if to say watch out ..just in case. I think partially because when my ex broke up with me I thought everything was going really well ..I didn't see it coming and now I'm on high alert... It upsets me ..because I feel like I am not fully in the moment with my new lover. I wonder a lot should I tell my new boyfriend about my counselling ..I don't want to freak him out and I think I'll only get upset when I talk about it. It's like an elephant in the room he isn't aware of. I find aswell any time someone mentions that past relationship I get upset ..uncontrollably , and I know I don't want to be with that past lover for various reasons but it still hurts. I'm just confused I suppose....
@cyanBirch2840 breakups are hard, and often times our past relationships shape us in ways we carry into our future relationships. It sounds like you really value this new relationship and want it to work out. If this new partner is loving and supportive then perhaps you can build your connection by sharing your fears and your past with him. Often times to get past our past we have to learn to reassure our fears -not push them away, or give in to them- but recognize them and where they come from. Then with gentleness we can remind ourselves we will be okay. This new partner is not your old one, and if you feel the elephant in the room, he might as well.
@cyanBirch2840 It also sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You still have wounds from the past that are healing, but they hold you back sort of in your current relationship. However, in your current relationship, you feel conflicted in that you don't want to lose yourself in another relationship to where you neglect your own mental health "path" you've taken to care for yourself. You don't sound like you are ready to give up on this new guy but you also fear if you did, you might slip back into your old depression from the last break up. I've been there too so I know what that feels like! Uhhggg! Its not pleasant :( Honesty is the best policy. Give your new guy a chance to get closer to you by sharing with him how its important for you to maintain a certain autonomy but at the same time, you are excited about developing a close connection with him. Then, share your fears. It will either help strengthen the relationship or if it scares him then you know that he will not be able to support you in those areas. I think its important you think about your boundaries for the relationship. I would suggest working with your therapist on how to establish and defend your boundaries. Hope this helps :)