The pain of not moving while they move on
Me and my ex fiance broke up almost 3 weeks ago. In that time we got back together for a little and tried again. This recently ended again with her saying she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't think she is in love with me or if she was ever in love with me but she says she still loves me as a friend. She wants us to be friends. Now honestly I've started to realize that she wasn't the woman I thought she was and I've seen an ugly side of her during this whole break up but I still want to be with her. The hardest part of everything is that I have not been able to stop crying or get anything done because I am so depressed but she is out having fun with her friends and moving on already even though our break up is still so fresh. It hurts to realize that this is truly making her happier. When we first broke up she did the same thing but then she told me that at night she cried and drank herself to sleep because she too was hurting but I think after our second attempt now she is over me. It hurts to think that she has moved past when I am stuck in such a dark place. She is coming over today to pick up the rest of her things and talk so that we can try to become friends but I am unsure of what to say. I've writen 3 letters to her, one trying to get her back, one when I was angry and sad, and another when I had accepted the fact that I do not belong in her life but I want to be. I don't think i'll be reading any of them but hopefully we can talk and the words can truly come from my heart.
Not doing the best at the whole "no checking her social media" thing. Like I can't even see her twitter or instagram but it's gotten so bad that I know the number of posts she has on both so when she posts something I can tell... wow that's creepy. I can still see her Facebook and tumblr though. I'm really trying not to check them but I'm failing miserably. I just wish I could move on already.
@SirPounceALot might I make a suggestion that I did a few months ago? Unfollow her on Facebook. Don't unfriend her just unfollow this way you're still friends you just won't see anything she posts or is tagged in. You would literally have to search which after awhile would be a pain. It is hard though to not check. Trust me, I did the first 9-10 months of our separation. Which is creepy. But I can relate to it. It's just suggestion you don't have to listen to any of this.
@StormySlytherin It's not the fact that her stuff pops up on my feed that makes me check. I literally never used facebook until I met her. I only started using it to be in a relationship on facebook with her. So if i am going on facebook it's only to check her profile. It's a great suggestion but I actively seek out her profile, it's not like I just happen to see it
Dammit my brain and heart ache so much today. I miss her. I know it's over and nothing can change that. I don't even know if I want us to be back together. I wish it worked between us but I don't want to go back and try again because I know that it would never work. I crave her. I just want her back in my life but I think that is impossible. I know all these things and my heart just hurts. It hurts over the loss of the woman I wanted to marry, it hurts over the loss of my best friend, it hurts over the loss of my partner. Yet deep down I know that I can't have her in my life anymore. It would be too painful but part of me just says "screw it!!!!!!! The pain is worth it" but I know it's not. One of the quotes she posted on her tumblr explains how I feel the best. "I'd still want you in my life, even if your sole purpose is to break my heart"
@SirPounceALot oh my god I can't even begin to tell you how much this describe how I feel right now.
It's still so hard to accept that it is over. Like I still keep thinking "what if..." and "In the future maybe" but I know it's over and we can never be together again. I just wish I could stop thinking about her, stop caring about her, stop obsessing over her. But I can't. I genuenly loved her with all of my heart and I still do. I almost wish Ididn't love her but I am glad I do. I'm glad it happened, I'm glad I got to feel that love, I'm glad I got to spend that time together. I still can vividly remember the last times I held her in my arms as my girlfriend. After we got back together when we went to the beach together we went on a haunted mansion ride. She got scared and curled up into my arms. I can still feel her there. And then that night we went to the hotel room and slept together with her wrapped in my arms and I can still feel her there too. I would do anything to hold her in my arms again. And now i'm crying again. Dammit I had gone so many days without shedding a tear over her. I thought I was makign so much progress but I guess I'm not. I still can't stop crying over her. More than anything in this world I just want to hold her in my arms again
I guess i had been holding it in for the past few days because today I can't stop crying. It's a really rough day. I can't stop remembering all the good times we had. The tears won't stop. I have to go to work very soon and I don't know if I will be able to hold it together for the next 5 hours. I want to stop crying over her but I can't. My heart aches with every moment i'm not with her
@SirPounceALot
Sorry I've been busy oh my this has been happening since I've been off oh dear I'm here alright sometimes you have to let it all put and not bottle it up inside my very good friend told me that it hurts you more if you bottle things up for so long you have to let all these emotions and feelings out cause if you leave it closed away in a box eventually it will be more hurtful painful and will cause way more emotions coming out to the surface you are still in the process of healing and getting over her it will take time hell a lot of time yes but in the mean time you have to be strong for yourself you have to be the stronger one and say right now isn't the time to feel upset over her yeah I get that you don't want to loose her but you have to accept the facts and the terms that you and her won't be together anymore you won't get her back she ain't coming back you can't fix what she broke and damaged the only ones that can fix and mend are the ones who broke it in the first place she has to fix and mend it not you but she doesn't want you anymore its clear as daisies you have to accept the fact that she isn't coming back you lost her long ago when she decided on seeing other men while with you she only broke up the first time with you cause she probably wanted to find other guys when that fell through and she couldn't the only guy that she knew would take her back means a win for her and a lose for you cause you got sucked right into her story she thought she couldn't find a different guy so she go back to you and you took her back she's laughing to herself you were happy cause you got your best friend back but at what COST more pain heartache tears the works she lead you on and you fell for it twice she wanted to hurt you and get to you and she succeed it now your paying the price cause of her and her BS she's happy merely on her way doing what she wants in life sleeping around and free cause she knows she hurt you and you are suffering bad from it she doesn't care about you she never DID you have to be that strong man and say F it I will not let her get to me she's been getting to me the whole time together now she will not get to me when I'm free away from that BS you have to be strong I know its hard but you have to try you have important things in life then to worry about her you have rent your apartment your schooling to worry about and work also to worry about then her some low life who never cared about you at all
@BrightRedFlower2322 I know that she is an awful person. I know that she lead me on and was manipulative and cruel. I also know that I don't miss her exactly, I miss human companionship. I miss having someone to talk to. Like I have no friends and now no girlfriend. I miss people. The most human contact I get is at work. Honestly I hate her after what she has done to me but I miss the old her. I just don't want to be alone anymore
@SirPounceALot I know this because when I am at work hanging with my coworkers I feel good and I don't miss her. It's when I am home alone in my empty apartment that I am sad. Especially because I had so many memories with her there. My apartment is depressing now. I wish I could get a dog but pets aren't allowed. I just hate being completely alone
The absolute worst part of everything is that she is still affecting me so much. And I can't say for sure if she cares or not. She told me that she was over me but her tumblr posts say otherwise. No matter what she has moved on and I'm still stuck. That's the worst. To know that I mean nothing to the person that means everything to me.
Just got home from work and I'm in a great mood. Feeling amazing and like I'm better off without her. I hope this mood lasts atleast for a little bit
So I just woke up and I had a dream. In my dream me and her got back together. And like it was very realistic like we talked about what went wrong and everything. It was weird. BUT what is even weirder is that I woke up and i'm not crying. I woke up and I immediately went "Well that was a weird dream but it is over" Like of course I still feel weird because of the dream but I still know that it is over............. SPOKE TOO SOON APPARENTLY CAUSE AS I AM TYPING THIS I CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING SAD. Dammit so close. I'm just sad because in the dream I got to hold her in my arms again, I got to kiss her again. I miss that so much. I know eventually I'll find that with someone else but with her it always felt so right. We both described it to each other as "Home is wherever I am with you" which is a quote from our song. Turns out that quote is really only a song lyric to her but I truly meant it. I am still not crying or anything and honestly this is one of the best mornings I have had so far. I know it's over and everything. This morning instead of feeling sad I just kind of feel lost. I feel like I don't know where to go from here. I just feel so uncertain about my future and so confused as to how I can ever move forward when I still can't get her off my mind. I feel so weird. I don't know what to do
It's time to try this again. Every morning I wake up feeling like I am in a rut and every morning I find a way to get motivated and then every day that motivation falls off after about 2 hours and I get nothing done. Today I want to get some stuff done. Today I want to focus on what I control. Today I don't want to sit around and be sad and do nothing. I hate the fact that I have even lost my own trust in myself. I can't even trust what I am typing right now because I feel like I will fail. I want to prove myself wrong. I don't want to fail. I don't want to crawil froward in life, I want to run. I want to improve drastically and become the man that I want to be but lately I have barely been putting in the work neccessary for that to happen. I want that to change. Now I jsut gotta do it
So i have started to realize that I have grown back into my alcohol problem and it is even worse now. I was also slightly alcoholic but I am in college so it was never too bad. It was also just drinking with friends or having a few drinks at the end of a hard day to unwind. Currently I have drank every night for like the past 2 weeks. I drink just so I can feel some happiness and actually fall asleep. This morning I think I feel the collective hangover. I feel awful. I need to stop drinking like this but I have no reason to stop. I guess since I decided to not commit suicide I started to slowly kill myself with alcohol instead.
I don't know if it is the alcohol or the dream I had last night but my stomache is in knots. My brain is constantly buzzing and feels like its going to explode. I don't feel right. I know I am just looking for another excuse to lay in bed and do nothing today but I feel like I can't do anything today. My body and my heart aches. I want to go back to sleep but I can't sleep ever. Dammit I am going to try to force myself to atleast work out, go to the bank, and go to the store today. If i can do these thigns before I have to go to work it'll be a good day
