The pain of not moving while they move on
Me and my ex fiance broke up almost 3 weeks ago. In that time we got back together for a little and tried again. This recently ended again with her saying she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't think she is in love with me or if she was ever in love with me but she says she still loves me as a friend. She wants us to be friends. Now honestly I've started to realize that she wasn't the woman I thought she was and I've seen an ugly side of her during this whole break up but I still want to be with her. The hardest part of everything is that I have not been able to stop crying or get anything done because I am so depressed but she is out having fun with her friends and moving on already even though our break up is still so fresh. It hurts to realize that this is truly making her happier. When we first broke up she did the same thing but then she told me that at night she cried and drank herself to sleep because she too was hurting but I think after our second attempt now she is over me. It hurts to think that she has moved past when I am stuck in such a dark place. She is coming over today to pick up the rest of her things and talk so that we can try to become friends but I am unsure of what to say. I've writen 3 letters to her, one trying to get her back, one when I was angry and sad, and another when I had accepted the fact that I do not belong in her life but I want to be. I don't think i'll be reading any of them but hopefully we can talk and the words can truly come from my heart.
I miss my friend more than I miss my girlfriend
@SirPounceALot
I've now read all your posts. Your situation is not unlike mine. While I was not engaged, I wanted to marry this man and was convinced we were soul mates. I think the best course of action for both you and I is to wait and give it time. It is clear you love her. If it is meant to be, it will wirk out. If not, then someone will love you and you will be alright. I have to focus on myself to get into a better emotional state and improve. Later if he wants to try, I know I would want to, but if not- I am sanguine. Someone will. I believe in the concept of soul mates. If this girl is not the one, there will br the one out there waiting for you. I know it is hard, but try to be calm and relaxed.
Today I realized something. It has been over 3 weeks since our second break up in which she told me she doesn't think she ever loved me, 3 fucking weeks. 3 weeks and I have done nothing. 3 weeks of hardcore alcoholism, YES I REALIZE I HAVE A PROBLEM. 3 weeks and all i have done is wake up, work out, go to work, come home, and get drunk... then i roll out of bed and do it all over again. 3 weeks of nothing. 3 weeks have gone by like a snap of a finger. I say I realize I have a problem but here I am sitting with my second drink which contains the 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th shots of the night. Sure i'm not actively suicidal anymore and sure I'm talking to a girl I met online that I plan on asking out.... but nothing excites me. I could care less about anything. She is the only thing that has been on my mind for 3 weeks. I am so desensitized to life right now. I just don't care anymore. What the hell am i going to do in another 3 weeks when classes start up again. How am I going to do my school work or even go to classes??? 3 weeks and I am not enjoying life. I thought I would enjoy being single and having freedom again. I'm not enjoying freedom, I'm drowning in it. I can't stop drinking every night, I cry randomly at the weirdest of times, I hate this. I feel like I am watching my life spiral down the toilet yet I can do nothing to stop it. I'm like a car crash, it's awful and horrific yet I can't do anything to stop it and I can't look away. I am forced to watch myself destroy myself.
My gf belived I was cheating because my daughter wanted revenge with me and told her i been with someone else for three yrs..she belived her treated me like i never existed the worst of the worst..its been two month's now and we have a 2yr old daughter she hasn't let me see either..well the girl my daughter mentioned actually is a old friend..i ended up getting a hold of her and just gave her my gfs number and just said to call and say her name and ask what her problem was..i figure it would not sound like a set up to my gf..well now she knows the truth and still believes i had someone..and just doesn't want to accept it..pride is an issue but now she just wants to be friends with benifits..and i don't understand how she ever loved me to treat me this way.ive been loyal to her and its just driving me crazy not having a peace of mind.
Why is it that I don't ever understand how royally fucked I am until after the 12th shot of the night?!?! by the time I wake up and sober up I won't rrealzize it anymore So i am writing itn down. I need help., IM fucked. I nnedd to stop drinking. I need to workf on myself. I need to be me/ I need to move forward, step buy step. I need a life.
I can't just forget about her and move on like nothing happened. I still want her in my life... it's the only thing I want. I have a feeling I am not going to be able to make it through today without contacting her
I think what scares me the most is how I never get an answer. She told me she needed to think about if she ever loved me and if she hates me now. When I contacted her the other night she said she still doesn't know the answers. She felt like I was interrogating her because I was asking her these questions that she didn't have answers for. I wish she would just talk to me about these things. Instead i'm left sitting in the dark trying to interpret her feelings through her tumblr posts (which I know is wrong). I just wish she'd figure it out so she could give me an answer. If she told me that she hated me now then I could atleast start to lose the hope of us being friends, if she told me she didn't hate me then maybe we could be friends eventually, if she told me she did love me then it would suck because I know I would get hope of us being together again... That's what she is trying to avoid. She doesn't want to give me any hope. SHe thinks that just by talking to me I will have hope, she's right. But it still doesn't mean that I want to just be shut out. We were so important to each other, I don't understand how she can just one day decide "I'm just never going to talk to him again".... sure she still hasn't blocked my number or unfriended me on facebook and that's because I think she does still want me in her life, not like before but she wants to know I am still there. I just wish she'd let me know that she is still there for me too
The worst part of it all is knowing in the back of my mind that she is right. That the best thing for us both is to just move on and not talk to each other. We probably can't be friends, the most we can be is strangers who share common memories and occasionally exchange a smile.
I just wish that she would admit that the time we spent together meant alot to her too
It's time for me to get over this mornings episode. Sure I miss her... alot. and sure I think I want her back in my life. But realistically I have to understand that we probably can't be in each others lives anymore. And I do realize that I deserve better and eventually I will love someone else and it will be as beautiful and wonderful and painful as this time. Currently I am depressed, I am on a 3 week alcohol binge, and I currently have nothing that excites me or anything to look forward too. BUT THIS IS NOT MY LIFE. I will not be depressed forever, eventually this alcohol bender will end, and eventually I will be excited about things again. This is a process. AND IT DOESN"T MATTER WHERE SHE IS IN THE PROCESS BECAUSE ALL THAT MATTERS IS ME. Whether I want it to or not, life goes on. There is only one thing I am sure of, I am stronger than this and I will overcome this!
@SirPounceALot i feel exactly the same thing as you
My heart is screaming at me right now. It's screaming because I feel like I gave up too soon. Way back in the day I promised her that I wouldn't let her mess us up, I feel like I failed that promise. I want to talk to her face to face and just scream "I know you love me and I'm not leaving you" I want to hold her tight until she finally breaks down all the walls she had been putting up. I want to show her that I am not going to let her walk out of my life that easily.... I just can't even get her to come talk to me. She barely answers my texts and texts won't do it. I need to see her. I know she still loves me, she is hurting and I can't do anything to help her right now. I want to love her endlessly and unconditionally
