The pain of not moving while they move on
Me and my ex fiance broke up almost 3 weeks ago. In that time we got back together for a little and tried again. This recently ended again with her saying she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't think she is in love with me or if she was ever in love with me but she says she still loves me as a friend. She wants us to be friends. Now honestly I've started to realize that she wasn't the woman I thought she was and I've seen an ugly side of her during this whole break up but I still want to be with her. The hardest part of everything is that I have not been able to stop crying or get anything done because I am so depressed but she is out having fun with her friends and moving on already even though our break up is still so fresh. It hurts to realize that this is truly making her happier. When we first broke up she did the same thing but then she told me that at night she cried and drank herself to sleep because she too was hurting but I think after our second attempt now she is over me. It hurts to think that she has moved past when I am stuck in such a dark place. She is coming over today to pick up the rest of her things and talk so that we can try to become friends but I am unsure of what to say. I've writen 3 letters to her, one trying to get her back, one when I was angry and sad, and another when I had accepted the fact that I do not belong in her life but I want to be. I don't think i'll be reading any of them but hopefully we can talk and the words can truly come from my heart.
At this point I honestly don't want to get back together with her and I don't think I even want her in my life. I'm just confused. I don't understand how you can tell someone you love them and want to marry them one week and then the next week say you never loved them and you don't think you want them in your life.... like I'm just confused and I still have all these unanswered questions that I know I will never get the answer to. That's the tough part, I never got a real answer from her and even the answers she gave me just seem so untrue. I guess I will never know since even if she did tell me, I could never trust a word from her mouth ever again
@SirPounceALot I know what you mean about unanswered questions. I have found out so much stuff in the past few days about how the guy I loved has planned his next year with a girl he just started dating a month and a half ago. A girl who had a live I'm boyfriend who she kicked out three weeks ago. But I know he will never be completely honest with me right now. He won't even answer my questions anymore. I guess we have to just realize we can't get answers from someone who is confused about themselves and who lie to themselves.
@warmheartedHuman2014 ya if she wants to lie to herself that's fine. I'm done with her. It's tough to hear about them moving on... or atleast their version of moving on. We all need to just try to move forward. Let our exs do what they need to do to "move on". She can rebound all she wants, she can go back to her ex that she never loved and say she is happy all she wants. She can say I didn't make her happy and then cry on tumblr about how I left all she wants. I know the truth. And I'm done.
@SirPounceALot yeah. He begged me to tell him what I knew about his new girlfriend( that she cheated on her ex constantly) and he immediately went and told her what I said and she and I are working together right now. It was so awkward and I felt betrayed and he made it seem like I was trying to ruin his relationship and blocked me on Facebook. But I'm done trying to protect him from making the same mistakes he always does. And I'm done feeling guilty for anything I did when we were together or friends. It hurts like crazy because I was so loyal and supportive of him and his issues, but he doesn't care and neither should we.
@warmheartedHuman2014 you were a good person. You wanted to look out for him and you tried. That's all you can do. But remember to look out for yourself first. You told him and that's that. Now you can be done. You did what you had to do. Ya that does sound like a weird situation though
@SirPounceALot thank you. Logically, I know this guy isn't nearly ready to be a husband and that is what I am looking for. But I can't understand why he led me on and used me all this time when we were really good friends. He could have just been honest. But to betray me again by telling her I was the one who said it after he kept talking about wanting to gain trust back? I don't get him or this situation. And she isn't even cute nor does she sound like a nice person when she talks in the crew bar. And she only talks about him like she had nothing going on in her life before she met him. and she does it around me very loudly almost like its so I make sure to hear.
feeling really weird right now. Like something is wrong. Can't shake this feeling that something is wrong. I think i'm having a panic attack. I'm trying to breathe. My gut is screaming that someone is in danger, idk if its me or someone I care about or what but I feel wrong. I'm scared. Can't breathe well. Extremely jittery. I'm gonna go get fresh air and try to breathe. Hopefully nothing is wrong.
My heart is pounding. Fresh air didn't help, too many cars making noise. I never used to have panic attacks before but while we were dating I started having them. The worst part is knowing it's a panic attack yet I still just jumped to my window with my knife because I heard a car door slam. I'm breathing better now. I'm proud of myself that I didn't check her social media because these panic attacks is usually when I do it. I thought I was doing so much better too..... I'm still screwed up in the head. WHat I want to do and what I feel capable of doing are so far apart from each other. I want to relax and have a nice night while I continue to flirt with random girls on dating apps (don't judge that I'm talking to a few. I'm not feeling very loyal or wholesome anymore) but I feel so bad tonight that I'm afraid if I talked to any of them I would push them away. I think I'll jjust take the night to relax and not talk to anyone even though there are a few people I want to talk to. It just sucks feeling incapable of human interaction
@SirPounceALot I'm sorry you are having a panic attack. Are you feeling better now? Yes, it is usually best not to talk to people who won't be able to handle panic attacks and definitely don't look at her profile. I am resisting the urge myself. It only makes us feel worse. I'm here for you. ::hugs::
@warmheartedHuman2014 I'm feeling better now. Just kinda ignoring those feelings rn
@warmheartedHuman2014 *hugs you back*
Well just thought I'd update all of you. I just found out my financial aid for school was mostly rejected. Now it looks like I won't be able to afford classes or keep my apartment. There's still some hope but not much. Not exactly the news I wanted to hear. I'm really hoping I can graduate. That's like my main priority now, I just want to finish what I started
@SirPounceALot I'm so sorry about your financial add...I hope something comes up and it works out for you.
@warmheartedHuman2014 so do I. If I have to drop out then I'm probably not coming back... atleast not for a few years
@SirPounceALot
Hope your okay sorry haven't been talking been busy got every important things to do so not really in talkative mood hope you can finish school and everything else hope you can keep your apartment
It's strange that while me and her dated I always said that my life was black and white before her and she gave my world color, but now I realize how wrong I was. While we dated my world was black and white, it was separated by the times I was with her and the times I wasn't but I rushed to get back to her. Now my world truly has color. I notice the weirdest things now, like the beautiful shades for green in the leaves or the smell of a fresh cut lawn. Now I walk around thinking "the world is a beautiful place" when before it was only beautiful because of her. Now I can see the world's beauty for what it truly is.
Sorry I haven't posted in a bit. Sooooo It looks like I can stay in college and keep my apartment... also I have a date next week. Life is getting better
@SirPounceALot
That's fantastic I'm glad you got things sorted out that's great and a date wow good luck and all the best with that and remember just be ya self :)
I can relate to a lot of the things on this page. My boyfriend left me out of the blue over a little fight we had threw me out of the house left me on the street in the middle of winter I was in so much pain and I was super upset he called me crazy and absurd and just treated me so badly and all I did was love him and took care of him.
I'm crying. I haven't cried in like a week but tonight for some reason I felt drawn to her tumblr. I couldnt get her off my head tonight. It's weird. i'm moving forward, life is going great without her and I realized that I don't want her anymorre but I still miss her. It feels good to let it out but bad at the same time. I want to be past this and have no feelings for her anymore but I can't, I still love her. And that just makes me feel like shit. Like I have a date next tuesday and I still love my ex... what am I doing?!?!?! I really like this new girl too but yet randomly I keep thinking about my ex. Stupid little things make me think of her. It hurts to think she still thinks of me. Her tumblr is still sad quotes that seem like they're about me. I know she misses me and that kills me inside. I miss her so much. I know we could never ne together after what happened but I just wish we could be on good terms, I wish we could have ended on good terms because I do still care about her
I thought I was so far past this. I thought I was better now and that I had moved on. WILL I EVER MOVE ON?!?! WILL I EVER BE PAST THIS?!?!?! I'm crying like it's the first night after the break up all over again. The tears won't stop. I miss her so much but I refuse to contact her just so she can act rude to me again and then joke about me to her friends again. I know I am a joke to her and her friends but at the same time I know she truly misses me. It's weird. She puts on such a tough girl act that I know she doesn't mean to be as rude and hurtful as she has been but she doesn't know any other way. He true thoughts come out in her tumblr, they always have. She misses me and she did love me and she probably has some regrets about us but she will never talk to me about them, I don't think she will ever talk to me again and I refuse to reach out again just to have my arm smacked
I still think of her as my soul mate and I don't even believe in soul mates. I still feel deeply connected to her, like I feel this way only when she feels this way. its weird. The nights I get like this are the nights she is actively posting sad stuff. It's like I can sense when she is sad and posting. I need to stay away from everything that is her including her tumblr because it is such a trigger for me but some nights I am drawn to it so strongly that I can't stop myself, like I know I shouldn't but I do it anyway.
