The pain of not moving while they move on
Me and my ex fiance broke up almost 3 weeks ago. In that time we got back together for a little and tried again. This recently ended again with her saying she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't think she is in love with me or if she was ever in love with me but she says she still loves me as a friend. She wants us to be friends. Now honestly I've started to realize that she wasn't the woman I thought she was and I've seen an ugly side of her during this whole break up but I still want to be with her. The hardest part of everything is that I have not been able to stop crying or get anything done because I am so depressed but she is out having fun with her friends and moving on already even though our break up is still so fresh. It hurts to realize that this is truly making her happier. When we first broke up she did the same thing but then she told me that at night she cried and drank herself to sleep because she too was hurting but I think after our second attempt now she is over me. It hurts to think that she has moved past when I am stuck in such a dark place. She is coming over today to pick up the rest of her things and talk so that we can try to become friends but I am unsure of what to say. I've writen 3 letters to her, one trying to get her back, one when I was angry and sad, and another when I had accepted the fact that I do not belong in her life but I want to be. I don't think i'll be reading any of them but hopefully we can talk and the words can truly come from my heart.
Just thought I'd share. So my life is in shambles. My wifi went out and hopefully I can get that fixed tomorrow. Also my computer broke but I'm trying to fix it. So ya I can't update this journal much until then but just know that she went on her date and had a great time and I want to die. Also we spoke but really it was just me saying what I needed to say and her not caring... just like always. It did give me more closure though but I'm still stuck.
I wanted to share what I said to her yesterdayI wanted to apologize for the other night. I'm sorry that it ended how it ended. I really intended for us to just have a nice meal together as friends but I wasn't ready. I also wanted to thank you for the talk we had. Even though it ended badly, that talk gave me the closure I so desperately needed. I've done a lot of thinking and I have come to a conclusion on a few things. I now understand that it is over and I have no hope of us ever getting back together. Because of our talk I have begun to move forward and move on. I understand now that we weren't right for each other. While we did support each other and push each other to succeed we also held each other back. While I understand these things I still will always look back on our time together and be grateful that I got to experience those times with you. In that time I fell in love with you. I love you and I will always love you. That will never change. You still mean alot to me and I still care about you. No part of me hates you or is mad at you. I know you did what you needed to do for yourself. Another thing I realized is that currently I cannot have you in my life at all. I do still want to be friends but honestly I'm not sure if we could ever be friends but I hope that we could. But for now I need to move on and do what I need to do just like you. If I ever reach a point where I believe that we could be friends again then I will reach out but for now that time is far away if ever. I hope that in the future when I do reach out you will be open to the idea of being friends. Until then I wish you the best in life and I hope you find happiness.
@SirPounceALot she responded with. "Okay, I wish you the best too"
Ok so she signed me out of her Spotify on the computer but I am still on it on my phone. Last night she listened to her "sex" Playlist. She had sex with her date last night. I need to stop stalking her because these things are killing me inside. I am no longer the last man she kissed or was intimate with. It's completely over. I hate myself right now.
Right you have to stop right there okay you can not stalk someone especially your ex on social media its totally wrong and dose nothing for anyone she wasn't right for you and you wasn't right for her yes feelings hurt but over time you'll get better and be moving on with life but you seriously got to stop stalking her its not healthy and its really wrong would you like it if someone stalked you everywhere you went what you did what you brought who you saw what your wearing no you won't like it you have to stop yeah she's listening to songs on a playlist that could mean anything that she likes the music good tune or over you it really could be over anything she's dating that's fine good for her but you need to step back from her life and focus on yours and your life only not hers just yours you have to take control and move on yeah it will hurt but you take it head on your doing a great job so far keep it up but have to stop looking at her private social media stuff alright it will make it a hell lot harder for you to move on and focus on yourself so you'll shape yourself up get on with your day and do what you want to do in life do what makes you happy forget about her think about yourself okay
@BrightRedFlower2322 you're right. I'm trying to stop the stalking. I have some medical help on its way because I need help badly. Hopefully the next post I make will be more positive. I really hope these people can help.
@SirPounceALot
Keep up the good work your doing for your self getting help is a big step but you can do it you need the help all the best and good luck alright
Just spent a lot of time speaking face to face with counselors. I am in a terrible place but I know that now. I am seeking help. I plan on seeing a therapist. I am trying to start over and move forward step by step, hour by hour. I am extremely suicidal but I am making steps toward changing that. My present sucks but I want my future to be better and I am willing to fight for that better tomorrow. I have renewed hope in myself a little bit. I know it's an ongoing battle and a Rollercoaster of emotions so I may feel awful again sometime soon but that's part of the healing process. It is a process not a solution. I will take as much time as I need not as much time as she needs. This is on me and only me.
I am going through something very similar. I have done everything with him and been everywhere with him. And now hes gone. I cant do anything to distract myself from thinking about him because I keep getting flashbacks of when we did it together. I never go to the food places we went to, I never go to the same park we been to. I feel physical pain in my stomach and I often want to throw up. It pains me to close the door especially when you want him back and hes wanting you as a friend. I have no will left in me to do anything. You must be going through something similar. I admire your courage and strength to have the will to stand up again. I really do. I hope I reach that point sometime, hopefully very soon. Because rhis is killing me right now. @SirPounceALot
@GreenWhite that's exactly how I was until this afternoon. Something clicked and I wish I could tell you what it was so I could help you but trust me it feels so good once you get past that obsession.
I feel amazing. I haven't checked her social media in like 8 hours and I don't feel the urge to. I feel free and like I can breathe again. It's not like I stopped caring about her because I do still hope she finds happiness but I realized that I do need to find my own happiness without her. I feel like I am becoming my own personal again. It feels great. And right as my mentality shifter my life starting improving. I somehow managed to fix my computer and my wifi should be fixed by the time I get home from this work shift and if not it will be by tomorrow. My attitude seemed to affect the things around me. Now I feel like life is worth living. Life is beautiful but only if you let it be.
@SirPounceALot
Well done that's a huge step see you can do it keep up the amazing work and well done keep going and achieve your goals high five to you I knew you could do it
So I messed up. I thought I was trying to be all good and move forward so I decided that I can't have all these pictures of her on my phone but I really didn't want to just delete all the pics of us cause they are great memories. So I put them all on my computer but then of course I had to make sure all of them transferred..... it hurt so badly to look back through all of our memories. I ended bup crying and I am still crying. I thought i was moving forward but now i am still in so much pain. I miss her so much. Not even in the sense of her as my girlfriend but I miss her in my life. Also in the heat of the moment I checked her social media again. I feel awful. I was doing so good and I feel like I just relapsed. I want to talk to her but I know I can't. Honestly I have reached a point where I know that I can't be her boyfriend and I don't think I want to but I want her in my life. I want her as a friend but I don't know if that will ever be possible. I thought I was getting over her but a few pictures through me right back in. Atleast they are off my phone now but now I have a beautifully painful slideshow on my computer.
I can't stop crying.
Ok I finally stopped crying and I realize what just happened. I fell hard. I was doing so good but I guess no process is perfect. I am going to start again with attempting not to look at her social media at all. I lasted almost 12 hours before and that is definetly a new record. And now that the pictures of us along with all of our text messages are deleted off of my phone I hope that I can keep my mind off of her and on myself. It's hard to stay focused on myself still. My mind naturally wanders to her. I am trying to stop that. I hope the therapist office I talked to today calls me back soon with an opening. I need to work through a lot of things.
Mornings are still the worst. Waking up and realizing that she is isn't next to me kills me every single time. I can't go a single morning without crying.