The pain of not moving while they move on
Me and my ex fiance broke up almost 3 weeks ago. In that time we got back together for a little and tried again. This recently ended again with her saying she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't think she is in love with me or if she was ever in love with me but she says she still loves me as a friend. She wants us to be friends. Now honestly I've started to realize that she wasn't the woman I thought she was and I've seen an ugly side of her during this whole break up but I still want to be with her. The hardest part of everything is that I have not been able to stop crying or get anything done because I am so depressed but she is out having fun with her friends and moving on already even though our break up is still so fresh. It hurts to realize that this is truly making her happier. When we first broke up she did the same thing but then she told me that at night she cried and drank herself to sleep because she too was hurting but I think after our second attempt now she is over me. It hurts to think that she has moved past when I am stuck in such a dark place. She is coming over today to pick up the rest of her things and talk so that we can try to become friends but I am unsure of what to say. I've writen 3 letters to her, one trying to get her back, one when I was angry and sad, and another when I had accepted the fact that I do not belong in her life but I want to be. I don't think i'll be reading any of them but hopefully we can talk and the words can truly come from my heart.
I relapsed again. She starting using her tumblr again. She didn't delete the posts about me from that. Now she just posts sad quotes about breakups.... why do I do this to myself? Now that I see she is in pain too it just gives me false hope and makes me want to reach out to her. I hate myself still and I'm not ready for anything. Now I need to get out of bed and do the things that I need to do today but it's tough. I miss her so much
@SirPounceALot She did delete some posts about me. Only 2 I think. One about a weird night we had when I needed to go to the hospital and another that was intitled "Boyfriend appretiation post".... that one was my favorite. It had an amazing message to me in it and it meant alot ot me. She also deleted the love letter I wrote to her on tumblr way back in that day. Now I am just confused. She went through and deleting some but kept most of them. Really she just deleted the most recent ones but I hope she keeps the rest.
I did it. I finally changed my relationship status on facebook to single. She did that the night of our first breakup... almost one month later and I finally could do it myself. This is a really rough morning. I feel so much pain. It is taking every ounce of my willpower not to reach out to her. I know i'm not ready and she probably isn't ready to talk to me either. I don't even know why I want to talk to her but I do. I want her back in my life. I want her not to hate me. I want her to smile about me again. But I know that stuff is out of my control. I was told by a counselor that I need to start to focus on what I can control. Like today I can control what I get done. Today I plan on excercising, calling my mom (which is going to be a tough phone call), talking to my sister, applying for this job that I want, and then finish fixing my computer. I can control myself and what I do, not what she does. I will continue to move forward. It is just so hard to find motivation in the mornings when she used to be my only reason to wake up.
Beautiful things happen when you get out of bed. I just doubled my longest running distance.
Not having the best day. I can't get her off of my mind today. I'm trying to get some stuff done and I've barely done anything. today is tough. I should never have looked at her stuff again. Seeing the quotes she posted on tumblr has messed with me. I know she is hurting. I want to just reach out and ask her how she is doing but I know she won't tell me the truth, if she even would answer. I want us to be on speaking terms again but I know I am definetly not ready for that yet. I miss her so much. I just want to talk to her and be friends. I miss having her in my life. I say that I don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore because I truly have realized the bad things about our past relationship but I still think I would taker her back without hesistation if that is what she wanted. I just wish we could've worked on our problems instead of just throwing everything away. I know thinking about this stuff is unhealthy and out of my control but I can't stop myself today. I am trying to only think of stuff I control but today I can't control myself or anything around me. I'm losing my mind today.
Ok so I just got back from walking to the store and I had a near death experience. As I was walking a huge chunk of bricks broke off of a building and fell about 10 feet behind me. If I had been walking just a little bit slower I would have died or been seriously hurt. As suicidal as I have been the past few days now I see that I do not want to die. I'm like half in shock and half so panicked right now. Part of me sees this as a sign to reach out to her and tell her that I regret not having her in my life anymore and that I wish we could try again but I understand if that is not what she wants but I would settle just for being friends and being on speaking terms again. The other part of me sees it as a sign to get over her and move on. Like I am so young and I still so much life ahead of me yet I am letting our past hurt me so much. I don't know what to do right now. I may message her just to set my conscious straight and if it leads somewhere great, if not atleast i tried. That's all we can ever do in life since who knows when our own life mgith end.
God damn I can't calm down. I typed up a letter that I want to send to her but since I know it's a bad idea I wanted to type it here and see if anyone had any advice for me because I truly don't know what to do right now. Well here it goes "I just had a near death experience and it got me thinking. I regret so much in my life and I don't want you to be another one of those regrets. I understand that our relationship had alot of problems and that you say that you didn't feel in love with me. And honestly I don't want what we had. But I do want a future with you. I want the future we always spoke of and I want it with you. I want to build a future together and be the man that you deserve to be with. I know you don't want to be with me right now but I'm changing. I'm seeing a therapist, I'm working hard and exercising everyday, I'm embracing my problems head on and doing what I can to fix them. I want you in my life. I know I am not ready but once I get to a place where I can be with someone, you're the only one I want to be with. I understand now that life can end at any minute. I don't want to die without atleast giving it my all with the woman that I love.
This is one of the quotes she posted and god damn is it true about her " You have my permission not to love me;I am a cathedral of deadbolts and Id rather burn myself downthan change the locks. " She was willing to end our entire relationship instead of just work on things and I realize this now which is why I know there is no hope for us but I still freaking love that cathedral of deadbolts and if she doesn't want to change then I'd still love her and be happy with her.
Sorry for spamming. I calmed down a little and I started breathing again. I realize now that I shouldn't send that letter to her. It's over and to her it's been over for a long time. Me saying I'm changing won't do anything. I still need to change alot. Honestly I do still have hope that way way into the future when I truly change myself for the better and reach a better place that maybe we could try again but I know that I won't be ready for that to even be a thought for a very long time and that even if I do change completely she has no obligation to try again with me. Sure today I almost died but honestly I almost died yesturday and the day before that with how suicidal I have been recently, the only difference was today it was out of my control. I need to continue to focus on me. No more slip ups with her social media and no more writing letters to her. IF I truly do want to be with her then I need to use actions, not words. I need to change myself first and then maybe then I can even think about talking to her if I truly want to. It isn't fair to her for me to keep saying these things to her. I don't know how she feels but if she feels even a bit of the pain I feel then it is not right to keep giving her hope or something to hold on to. We both need to move on.
@SirPounceALot On a whim, I clicked on your post when it popped up on the community page. I know what you are dealing with isn't easy, and it may not help to hear this, but looking over your profile, you can see a subtle change in your writing across the last few posts. It is small, but present. And all of these small changes will eventually add up to something larger. It might be taking better care of yourself, or moving on, or realizing what is important to you. But one day, one step at a time. You are going to have good days and bad, but keep on working for tomorrow. When things feel overwhelming, sometimes the only thing we can do is focus on breathing. One day these emotions will not be quite so raw, and you'll be able to step outside yourself, but for the time being be as patient as you can with yourself and with her.
@StrawberryMarigold Thank you. I too see an improvement already. I still have rough moments but I am moving forward one step at a time. I really like what you said about being patient with myself and her and continue working for tomorrow. I believe that is exactly what I need to do.
I'm so done. I'm drunk so of course i checked her social media. a friend of hers tweeted "I still can't believe i pity dated someone for 6 months like how do you do that" and she replied with "Lol girl i'm in the same boat" REALLY like she pity dated me. omfg I can't believe this shit. Like I KNOW thats about me. Jesus christ. I thought maybe she felt some pain but that's the last straw. I don't want to have her in my life anymore. I wish I could stop stalking her because I want to stop caring about her but I still can't. This is insane. She really never cared about me. I didn't realize people could be that awful. I guess I just had too much hope in humanity. NGL she kinda ruined my faith in love, women, and just relationships in general. I have realized that she is just an awful human being. Honestly I had hoped that she found happiness without me but now I hope she feels as much pain as she has caused me. She doesn't deserve me. I gave her all my love and all she gave me was PITY. She is a demon. I hate her.
@SirPounceALot
Your still feeling this towards her cause your break up is still fresh it will take time for your mind and body to get over her I don't know what happened between ya both but you both were not the right people for each other she was over you so long ago why why keep looking at her social media for when you know it only hurts you and she probably found out your stalking her as well and she's saying note hurtful things please stop you can get in a lot of trouble for stalking you will be reported and all of that on social media you have to stop its going way to far stalking is against the law you have to stop alright who cares what she is talking about who cares if she's dating or not who cares what her friends say or not the only one that should care about themselves is you and YOU only it hurts cause you were not away from her that long give it time and you'll be over her there is someone way so much better out there then her alright you will still have feelings cause your still getting over them give it time and patients ok
@BrightRedFlower2322 no this is awful. I'm done stalking her. I'm done with her but now I want the final nail in the coffin. I want to ask her if our time together really meant anything to her or does she just think of it as a pity relationship. Honestly I texted her asking her if she was at work or if she could talk and I'm waiting for a response. I'm expecting to be blocked on everything from her by the end of tonight. I kinda want to be blocked. I can't keep feeling pain over something that apparently didn't mean anything to her. I hate her and right now I don't think I could ever love or trust someone again. If our entire relationship was a lie to her than I can never trust again
@SirPounceALot
If it meant anything to her she would have stayed and fixed the issues with you and worked things out but it seems she doesn't want it to work and wants to move on from the past I know how much you want to fix things and make things right but some things are just not ment to be fixed and just left alone if it was meant to be fixed and dealt with she would have contacted you talking to you trying to work things out don't put this bad spice relationship against the rest of your life you will find someone better it takes time and patients I left my ex cause he rapped be and beaten me every day I tried to fix it but to be honest some things are not worth your breath and energy over I left after few months I found my fiancée him and I found each other 1yr and 8months later just because you had one bad experience with her don't do that to future relationships cause you'll never know the next girl might be the right girl don't let your ex ruins that for you for the rest of your life move on from her don't talk to her just ignore her alright you deserve better okay keep your chin up alright
@BrightRedFlower2322 it's just tough because I have only been in 2 relationships. Both of them ended because the girls didn't love me but pretended they did. The first one I was cheated on for our entire relationship and this one I'm pretty sure she was talking to other guys towards the end. I just feel like I can never trust someone again. I deserve so much better. I'm loyal, nice, and caring yet all I get is women who treat me like shit. I don't feel like I am meant for love. I was just lied to for our entire relationship. I trusted her and she lied. I hate to say it but I'm done being nice. She ruined me. I don't think I could ever let another girl in ever again
She's at work.... ya know what. Nvm all of this. I'm not going to talk to her anymore. I'm not going to stalk her anymore. I'm going to forget she existed because I don't mean anything to her. She shouldn't mean anything to me. I don't want to be friends with someone sooooo hurtful. I hate her and I will always hate her. It's time for me to move on. I am just so mad. She is an awful person. How did I waste so much time thinking she was a good person?!?!?! I hate that our time together was a waste
